TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: Husband Cheated 28 yrs ago

FNW · Guru

I wonder if she harbored resentment towards him all these years. Why else would it even come up?

Let it go.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Why would he even tell her such a thing after all this time? What a freaking douchebag.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

She probably pestered him to death.

FNW · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
She probably pestered him to death.

That would be my guess. Whether he even did, he probably told her that to shut her up once. and. for. all.

apple · Guru

I don't get why he confessed. He should live with the guilt, now he has freed himself.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Because it's 28 yrs ago. Who cares? She probably bugged him to death until he admitted it. Why is she even bringing this up at all?

huskerbb · Guru

I can understand her being upset. If she just found out, to her it happened yesterday, not 28 years ago.

That said, we are 28 years later on and if the marriage has been more good than bad in that time, and it hasn't happened, again, I do think she needs to forgive him.

Yes, from her perspective, it would have been nice to know beforehand so she could have made a decision then--but that cow is out of the barn and over the hill. She needs to deal with what IS, and not with what she might wish had been different.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

She caught him 28 yrs ago. And, she brought it up. I have am sure this isn't the first time in 28 yrs she brought it up. Yes, it would be upsetting. But, in reality, does she want to throw away the last 28 yrs of her marriage and family ?

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

I wonder how many times over the years she has brought it up.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
I can understand her being upset. If she just found out, to her it happened yesterday, not 28 years ago.

That said, we are 28 years later on and if the marriage has been more good than bad in that time, and it hasn't happened, again, I do think she needs to forgive him.

Yes, from her perspective, it would have been nice to know beforehand so she could have made a decision then--but that cow is out of the barn and over the hill. She needs to deal with what IS, and not with what she might wish had been different.

She was allowing herself to be in denial 28 years ago if she caught him making out with some woman and didn't press about sex. She needed to deal with this clearly THEN. At this point, I agree that it is water under the bridge, and she needs to let this go.

Unless now she wants out of the marriage now and is looking for an excuse to blame him for it.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Being cheated on does something to you like nothing else. It breaks something that just can never be put back together.

It makes you question everything that has been said or done.

It does have life long implications.

I think she brought it up because he may be exhibiting certain behaviors as before.

Or maybe she is having difficulties in some other area and this is what she chose to pick at.

Perhaps it has been eating away at her the whole time.

Either way, it's something they need an objective outsider to help them through.

It may have happened 28 years ago, but the reality of it has hit her in the face.

This marriage will never be the same.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I agree that is painful. But, people make mistakes. Sounds like he was a good enough husband to have 5 kids with. Look, people make mistakes. If that truly was his only transgression, then she needs to forgive AND forget. There is nothing to be gained by this information. However, if there have been signs throughout the marriage of ongoing cheating, and this was the screaming red siren that she needed to face it then she needs to face the reality of what is.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

You can forgive.

But it is impossible to forget.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
You can forgive.

But it is impossible to forget.

Doesn't God forget Lilly?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

God can do things that humans can't

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Of course.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
You can forgive.

But it is impossible to forget.
Doesn't God forget Lilly?

I know I am not God.

Some things you just don't forget.

This is one of them.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I can remember the clothes I was wearing and the scent of the room I was in when I found out about the cheating.

It isn't keeping a record.

It's having the foundation of all you thought you knew, crumble.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

She has a choice Lilly. Forgive and FORGET and let it go and go about enjoying her life and family. Or, focus on it, ruminate, gnaw on it, nosh on it , roll it around over and over and ruin the rest of her life and her family's life. It isn't just about her. If she lets this eat her away, she takes away her children's mother. She has to let it go for their sake.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I can remember the clothes I was wearing and the scent of the room I was in when I found out about the cheating.
It isn't keeping a record.
It's having the foundation of all you thought you knew, crumble.

So, should you be reminded daily of your past indiscretions? Should you be forgiven? Should your kids and parents focus on that aspect of your life? That seems to be what you are saying.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I'm telling you.

You don't forget.

It's not holding on to or gnawing on it.

It's just there.

Like a repaired pothole.

It's fixed, you move passed it, you don't dwell on it. But it's still there. And now and then, you run over it and you feel it.

You don't know what I am saying because, again, you haven't lived through it.

Which is a good thing. A wonderful thing.

But take my word for it, you never forget it.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I can remember the clothes I was wearing and the scent of the room I was in when I found out about the cheating.
It isn't keeping a record.
It's having the foundation of all you thought you knew, crumble.

So, should you be reminded daily of your past indiscretions? Should you be forgiven? Should your kids and parents focus on that aspect of your life? That seems to be what you are saying.

I live with the consequences of my past every day.

Did I say it should be put in his face every day? No.

But are there ongoing and daily consequences of the past? You better believe it.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I can remember the clothes I was wearing and the scent of the room I was in when I found out about the cheating.
It isn't keeping a record.
It's having the foundation of all you thought you knew, crumble.

And you are divorced. She chose to stay in her marriage knowing her husband had cheated - to whatever extent she allowed herself to believe. Whether or not a woman chooses to forgive and stay in her marriage is a personal decision, but once you've made the choice to forgive - that is what you do. You don't forgive a little bit and keep bringing it up as a weapon in your marriage.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I can remember the clothes I was wearing and the scent of the room I was in when I found out about the cheating.
It isn't keeping a record.
It's having the foundation of all you thought you knew, crumble.

So, should you be reminded daily of your past indiscretions? Should you be forgiven? Should your kids and parents focus on that aspect of your life? That seems to be what you are saying.
I live with the consequences of my past every day.
Did I say it should be put in his face every day? No.
But are there ongoing and daily consequences of the past? You better believe it.

Maybe read the Bible Lilly. We are told to be come more Christlike. And, God said that if you confess your sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. When you are washed in the Blood, your robe is pure and white. It isn't stained with remembrance of sin. After you have confessed to God, God Himself remembers your sin No More. As far as the East is from the west.

As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us - Psalm 103:12

So, frankly, i am quite suprised by your comments. We are called to practice God's forgiveness. And, if you want to heal your marriage and both are willing, then that has to be laid down and left at the altar.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I can remember the clothes I was wearing and the scent of the room I was in when I found out about the cheating.
It isn't keeping a record.
It's having the foundation of all you thought you knew, crumble.

And you are divorced. She chose to stay in her marriage knowing her husband had cheated - to whatever extent she allowed herself to believe. Whether or not a woman chooses to forgive and stay in her marriage is a personal decision, but once you've made the choice to forgive - that is what you do. You don't forgive a little bit and keep bringing it up as a weapon in your marriage.

I agree.

And I am saying that it never really goes away.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I can remember the clothes I was wearing and the scent of the room I was in when I found out about the cheating.
It isn't keeping a record.
It's having the foundation of all you thought you knew, crumble.

So, should you be reminded daily of your past indiscretions? Should you be forgiven? Should your kids and parents focus on that aspect of your life? That seems to be what you are saying.
I live with the consequences of my past every day.
Did I say it should be put in his face every day? No.
But are there ongoing and daily consequences of the past? You better believe it.

Maybe read the Bible Lilly. We are told to be come more Christlike. And, God said that if you confess your sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. When you are washed in the Blood, your robe is pure and white. It isn't stained with remembrance of sin. After you have confessed to God, God Himself remembers your sin No More. As far as the East is from the west.
As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us - Psalm 103:12

So, frankly, i am quite suprised by your comments. We are called to practice God's forgiveness. And, if you want to heal your marriage and both are willing, then that has to be laid down and left at the altar.

And again, I am not God.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, then maybe you aren't fully allowing in God's Grace Lilly. No, on your own effort you can't forgive and forget. With prayer, fasting and allowing God to work through you, then why not?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I can remember the clothes I was wearing and the scent of the room I was in when I found out about the cheating.
It isn't keeping a record.
It's having the foundation of all you thought you knew, crumble.

And you are divorced. She chose to stay in her marriage knowing her husband had cheated - to whatever extent she allowed herself to believe. Whether or not a woman chooses to forgive and stay in her marriage is a personal decision, but once you've made the choice to forgive - that is what you do. You don't forgive a little bit and keep bringing it up as a weapon in your marriage.
I agree.
And I am saying that it never really goes away.

Then, quite frankly, that is your issue. Forgiving means doing just that. No, you don't forget so you are blind if it happens again.

But this woman chose to stay in her marriage, and it is still an issue 28 years later. She did not forgive him, and she has been letting it fester.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Saying 'I am not God" is not an excuse to not constantly strive to do better.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

And what kind of life has she had, letting this eat at her all this time?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Think of it like this.

You remember giving birth.

You don't talk about it daily.

You don't think about it daily.

And while you have moved on from the pain and pleasure of giving birth, you will never forget it.

While being cheated on is devastating and you forgive and move on, you still remember.

Maybe not every day.

But it isn't something you forget.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Not sure what your arguing. God not only forgives but He also FORGETS. He in fact calls us to Forgive as He has forgiven. So, you don't get to just forgive a little bit or only on your terms.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse wrote:
Think of it like this.

You remember giving birth.

You don't talk about it daily.

You don't think about it daily.

And while you have moved on from the pain and pleasure of giving birth, you will never forget it.

While being cheated on is devastating and you forgive and move on, you still remember.

Maybe not every day.

But it isn't something you forget.

And it isn't something you should dwell on constantly, either. You have to get past it.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I'm really glad neither of you have ever had to deal with this.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lily - I get that it was a painful thing. And you got out, even though you still love the bastard - which is why the pain remains. You love him and know you can't take him back. That's why it still hurts.

But I think the problem here is that the OP situation is not the same as your situation. Her husband cheated only once that we know of and she chose to stay in her marriage, and she has had a good marriage for 28 years. So, the fact that she is still dwelling on this is just not right.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
I'm really glad neither of you have ever had to deal with this.

Wow! Do you really think that LL or I or the rest of us have never had things in our lives that we have had to deal with? Unbelievable. Do you think you are seriously the only one who has gone through difficult times?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse wrote:
I'm really glad neither of you have ever had to deal with this.

On the contrary. Just because I'm not divorced does not mean I have not been cheated on and know how much it hurts. My husband was not the first man in my life. But one of the main reasons I chose him is because he was TRUSTWORTHY. That ranked right up there with love, and I'm not sure which one I consider more important.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I'm not saying she shouldn't move on.

I even said they need outside objective help in working through it.

WYSIWYG · Guru

She needs to let it go after all this time.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

It's so easy to preach "forgive and forget" but I wonder if any of you would be able to do the same if your husband had sex with another woman.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

VetteGirl wrote:
It's so easy to preach "forgive and forget" but I wonder if any of you would be able to do the same if your husband had sex with another woman.

If I couldn't - I wouldn't stay married. Don't pretend to forgive and forget, and then use it as a weapon.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

OK, so don't forget. Think about it every day. Roll it around in your brain. Make that one indiscretion the most important thing about your life and marriage. Ignore the last 28 years and the man you know him to be. Focus nonstop on how he wronged you and how unfair life is and how you didn't deserve that. If that is how you want to live , then i guess you may.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Forgiveness, true forgiveness, is a choice. And choosing to hold onto the hurt does her more harm that it could ever do him. She has a choice to make.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

VetteGirl wrote:
It's so easy to preach "forgive and forget" but I wonder if any of you would be able to do the same if your husband had sex with another woman.

Her husband could have lied to her, but he told her the truth.

And 28 years is a long time. He chose to stay with her & raise their children.

flan