TOTALLY GEEKED!

You can try. You can go talk to the head coach and/or call the mom and have a conversation. But in reality, most people don't want to deal with things. Just because you might think this is a problem doesn't mean the Head Coach will see it that way. He might see 'kids being kids' or whatever. Look, i am not justifying it in anyway. And, if i could have DD go up and slap some of those girls, they would deserve it ! But, the reality is that there are some she is going to be on the same team with through all of her high school years. These are the school athletes. She has extended the olive branch many times only to get shot down. And, i have tried inviting them over and so forth and they revert back to the same baloney. DD now realizes that these particular girls are just girls who she happens to play basketball with, or softball or whatever sport they are in. That is all they are. Girls with whom she plays on the team with. And, she can fudge the rah, rah team thing during the season. But, when the season is over, she can be done with them. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish they were all great friends. And, she has some very good friends on the team. It is unfortunate and her team is unlikely to be all that they COULD be if you had girls who were team players. DD is a team player. She will pass the ball to the open man. These two girls will not pass DD the ball, even if she is wide open. It is stupid, it sucks and it is annoying. But, we can go around feeling pissed off all the time or we just deal with what is. We have to deal with what is. Zebras don't change their stripes.

LGS and MM, I appreciate your input. I have not yet sent the letter or decided what to do, and I will definitely consider your points of view. I want to think it over, and let the emotional response die down before I act.

I agree, and we have told her that many times- that not everyone is nice, or will like her, or want to be her friend. We have told her and tried to help her develop thicker skin, because she is a sensitive child. We are trying to give her tools on how to handle this on her own. Where I'm stuck is that their mother is a coach who sees this and does not step in. I feel like if they at least had a different coach in the dugout they would be reprimanded or met with some opposition when they were acting like this, as it is now their behavior has no boundaries and it looks like it's condoned, to them and the rest of team who witness it.

Also, she is 8. She likes playing softball, but a lot of the enjoyment right now is being a part of a team and the friends she has there. I don't want this to discourage her from playing. But so far, we are not 'there' yet.

I mentioned I was going to talk to DH earlier, here is an update on that- He worked as an umpire for this league for many years and he said this type of behavior is not tolerated, and in his opinion, if I send the letter, only send it to the head coach for now, before going up to anyone higher. He knows plenty of league officials, so if it wasn't handled he could get in touch with any of them for further involvement if needed.

I think these kids are young enough that the sportsmanship is more important, and hopefully the coach and league see this, too. They aren't in high school vying for scholarships - they are young children, and the whole POINT of sports teams at that age is to teach them sportsmanship and how to be a team.

NAOW wrote:

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LGS and MM, I appreciate your input. I have not yet sent the letter or decided what to do, and I will definitely consider your points of view. I want to think it over, and let the emotional response die down before I act.

I agree, and we have told her that many times- that not everyone is nice, or will like her, or want to be her friend. We have told her and tried to help her develop thicker skin, because she is a sensitive child. We are trying to give her tools on how to handle this on her own. Where I'm stuck is that their mother is a coach who sees this and does not step in. I feel like if they at least had a different coach in the dugout they would be reprimanded or met with some opposition when they were acting like this, as it is now their behavior has no boundaries and it looks like it's condoned, to them and the rest of team who witness it.

Also, she is 8. She likes playing softball, but a lot of the enjoyment right now is being a part of a team and the friends she has there. I don't want this to discourage her from playing. But so far, we are not 'there' yet.

I mentioned I was going to talk to DH earlier, here is an update on that- He worked as an umpire for this league for many years and he said this type of behavior is not tolerated, and in his opinion, if I send the letter, only send it to the head coach for now, before going up to anyone higher. He knows plenty of league officials, so if it wasn't handled he could get in touch with any of them for further involvement if needed.

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   That is very level headed.  And, i think talking to the head coach is what you should do first and go from there.    You also have to separate stupid girl drama from actual bullying, etc.  I understand how you feel.  I have been so angry many times over the way my DD has been treated by some on her team.  It is very painful.  But, MM is right.  When my boys played, this never seemed to be an issue.  Or, if it was, maybe it just didnt' bother me as much as it did with my daughter.  

  You are never wrong to stand up for your child.  And, you should.  But, you may not get the resolution that you wish for.  Girls are very adapt at learning to dismiss other girls in passive aggressive ways.  A glance, a look, a backhanded compliment, etc and those types of girls learn very quickly that they can continue their behavior in subtle ways that prevents anyone from being able to point to a specific comment, etc.  And, when you see their mom, remember the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Kids that are jerks usually have parents who are jerks.

Thanks for all the advice. It is really nice to have this place as a sounding board to hear others opinions and experiences.

FNW wrote:

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This is another reason why I hate organized sports.

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 In my experience, the same thing happens in theater, in dance etc. It isn't sport specific. There are mean girls everywhere. 

I suspect that a lot of her strength comes from her good genes, LGS. I mean that as a compliment, so please take it that way.

Sounds like runs in the family!

Any time u are with people there's gonna be drama.

Ok, update. There was a game tonight. I'm just going to share everything that happened in order, so it might get confusing.

First, two sisters were harassing DD and their stepsister again. Telling them they couldn't be friends, etc. Step sister goes to her grandma and tells her. Grandma goes to the girls' mom/coach, mom/coach's response? "They're just kids" chuckle, shrug. Makes it much more obvious where her VSSs' get their attitude from.

Next, one of the sisters tried to trip DD. DD tells on her, the other sister steps in and says her sister didn't do it. Mom/coach believes her girls. Tells DD 'She did not, go sit back down' (or something similar, this was the story from an 8 year old).

After the game, this mom/coach gathers all the girls together to have a talk. I was chasing DD1 around and was not able to hear it, but was planning on asking DD8. Before I could talk to her about it though, my phone rings. It is another parent calling me because her daughter was telling her about the game and the talk (her daughter is completely innocent in all of this, has no idea that we've been having problems, basically was just sharing with her mom) and the mom was 'concerned' and 'really angry' about what she heard. And since it involved my DD, wanted to talk to me to verify. I told her everything that has been going on and about the tripping incident today. For one, she says her DD saw this other girl try to trip my DD and the mom/coach's reaction when DD told her. She says the sisters lied. Then, she tells me that the mom/coach was lecturing them on tattling, spreading rumors, etc. and called out DD specifically and in front of everyone and said 'Amanda(her daughter) didn't trip you, she didn't say anything about you, so let's stop with this! (again, this is her 8 year olds interpretation, but in her words she said it really mean).

She also confided that her daughter is not wanting to play on this team anymore because of how snotty these girls are.

So I called the head coach. He was very receptive, and assured me that he is going to think on it to figure out how to handle it, but that he wants every girl to want to come to practice, have fun, and feel safe. He will not allow anyone to be bullied- his words. We have another game Thursday and he said he would touch base with me again before then. I feel good about the conversation and I feel like he is taking it seriously. I am disappointed because the more I think about it, the more upset I am with the mom than I talked to him about, I feel like I put more emphasis on the girls' behavior. She had no right to tell my daughter what she did or did not experience, and she definitely should not have called her out in front of the whole team and basically call her a liar. So I might have to bring that up again we he gets in touch with me. I do not feel comfortable with her in any authoritative position over my kid.

That is not a good situation for those girls. I do hope the coach does something today about it.

NAOW wrote:

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Ok, update. There was a game tonight. I'm just going to share everything that happened in order, so it might get confusing.

First, two sisters were harassing DD and their stepsister again. Telling them they couldn't be friends, etc. Step sister goes to her grandma and tells her. Grandma goes to the girls' mom/coach, mom/coach's response? "They're just kids" chuckle, shrug. Makes it much more obvious where her VSSs' get their attitude from.

Next, one of the sisters tried to trip DD. DD tells on her, the other sister steps in and says her sister didn't do it. Mom/coach believes her girls. Tells DD 'She did not, go sit back down' (or something similar, this was the story from an 8 year old).

After the game, this mom/coach gathers all the girls together to have a talk. I was chasing DD1 around and was not able to hear it, but was planning on asking DD8. Before I could talk to her about it though, my phone rings. It is another parent calling me because her daughter was telling her about the game and the talk (her daughter is completely innocent in all of this, has no idea that we've been having problems, basically was just sharing with her mom) and the mom was 'concerned' and 'really angry' about what she heard. And since it involved my DD, wanted to talk to me to verify. I told her everything that has been going on and about the tripping incident today. For one, she says her DD saw this other girl try to trip my DD and the mom/coach's reaction when DD told her. She says the sisters lied. Then, she tells me that the mom/coach was lecturing them on tattling, spreading rumors, etc. and called out DD specifically and in front of everyone and said 'Amanda(her daughter) didn't trip you, she didn't say anything about you, so let's stop with this! (again, this is her 8 year olds interpretation, but in her words she said it really mean).

She also confided that her daughter is not wanting to play on this team anymore because of how snotty these girls are.

So I called the head coach. He was very receptive, and assured me that he is going to think on it to figure out how to handle it, but that he wants every girl to want to come to practice, have fun, and feel safe. He will not allow anyone to be bullied- his words. We have another game Thursday and he said he would touch base with me again before then. I feel good about the conversation and I feel like he is taking it seriously. I am disappointed because the more I think about it, the more upset I am with the mom than I talked to him about, I feel like I put more emphasis on the girls' behavior. She had no right to tell my daughter what she did or did not experience, and she definitely should not have called her out in front of the whole team and basically call her a liar. So I might have to bring that up again we he gets in touch with me. I do not feel comfortable with her in any authoritative position over my kid.

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 Wow, my momma bear would come out strong, and my next comments to the coach would likely be right in front of this woman as she got an earful about her treatment of my kid.

But - that's just me, and probably not the most diplomatic solution.

TrudyML wrote:

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Can I show up at a game and tell this hag off?

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What a good idea!

I'll help! 

FNW wrote:

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Personally, if DD was in agreement, I would just pull her from the team.

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 She would definitely not be in agreement. She would be very upset if she had to stop playing.

I'm going to give the coach a chance to handle it. He seemed concerned.

NAOW wrote:

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FNW wrote:

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Personally, if DD was in agreement, I would just pull her from the team.

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 She would definitely not be in agreement. She would be very upset if she had to stop playing.

I'm going to give the coach a chance to handle it. He seemed concerned.

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 Then she needs to know that if she continues, she will be picked on.  

My boys (they will be 8 in a couple weeks) come home telling me of so and so cheating, or being mean or whatever and I ask why they continue to play with them if it's so bad.  

NAOW - you do need to address coach/mom behavior otherwise this will not stop. She is the root of the problem. She called your daughter out in front of the team & called her a liar. It was bad enough that another team mom felt she needed to address it with you. Get that biotch kicked to the curb.

FNW wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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FNW wrote:

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Personally, if DD was in agreement, I would just pull her from the team.

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 She would definitely not be in agreement. She would be very upset if she had to stop playing.

I'm going to give the coach a chance to handle it. He seemed concerned.

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 Then she needs to know that if she continues, she will be picked on.  

My boys (they will be 8 in a couple weeks) come home telling me of so and so cheating, or being mean or whatever and I ask why they continue to play with them if it's so bad.  

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C'mon FNW!  You need to teach the boys to rise above the losers, cheaters.   

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I have just taught my daughter that some people are just Aholes. Why should she quit doing,something she enjoye because of them?

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Exactly.

 

And she is probably better than these two  at the sport.

FNW wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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FNW wrote:

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Personally, if DD was in agreement, I would just pull her from the team.

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 She would definitely not be in agreement. She would be very upset if she had to stop playing.

I'm going to give the coach a chance to handle it. He seemed concerned.

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 Then she needs to know that if she continues, she will be picked on.  

My boys (they will be 8 in a couple weeks) come home telling me of so and so cheating, or being mean or whatever and I ask why they continue to play with them if it's so bad.  

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 OK. But she likes the rest of her team, she loves her coach, and she likes playing. 

Yea, she's going to have to deal with them for now (which she's willing to do) while we get it figured out. And I think DH and I are leaning towards putting her on a different team next year if mom/coach is still going to be helping.

That sounds like a good plan, NAOW.

FNW wrote:

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TrudyML wrote:

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FNW wrote:

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NAOW wrote:

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FNW wrote:

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Personally, if DD was in agreement, I would just pull her from the team.

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 She would definitely not be in agreement. She would be very upset if she had to stop playing.

I'm going to give the coach a chance to handle it. He seemed concerned.

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 Then she needs to know that if she continues, she will be picked on.  

My boys (they will be 8 in a couple weeks) come home telling me of so and so cheating, or being mean or whatever and I ask why they continue to play with them if it's so bad.  

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C'mon FNW!  You need to teach the boys to rise above the losers, cheaters.   

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 They also need to know that some people are jerks and either accept it and do your own thing, or walk away.  I let them fight their own battles.    No one is forcing them to play with these kids, and if they want to continue, then deal with it.  

In this case, it is the coach/parent who is the problem which is different, IMO.   A parent needs to address it-adult to adult.

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 Are you suggesting that I talk to mom/coach? I can, but Im having a hard time believing she'd be receptive to that. 

FNW wrote:

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Didn't you talk to the other coach? I think I'd see what kind of impact that has before scratching the beotch's eyes out....

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 Yea, sorry, I wasn't sure if you were saying I should talk to her directly.

FNW wrote:

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Well, you could, but I'm not sure it would do any good.

Are you present during any of these occasions? Could you be? Or be watching stealthily?

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 I've been trying, but DH is out of town and it's hard to stay within earshot of the dugout with DD1. Once he is back the plan is for one of us to stay right there while the other one occupies DD1. 

FNW wrote:

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I think I would be sneaky, and try to catch the mother/coach in the act.

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 I would love too. I really want to give her this look too