TOTALLY GEEKED!

Hi Dr. G.,

I’m not sure how to deal with my mother. A few years ago, I became an atheist, and my mother has never really accepted it. She also hates that I am vegan, and liberal, and basically the opposite of her. My parents and I used to argue every day, and they’d say horrible things (like I’m the worst person in the world, that they’re embarrassed that I’m an atheist, that I should just go to Russia if I’m an atheist, and they were also really concerned that I might be a lesbian and said horrible things about that, etc.). I used to justlaugh off her and my father’s craziness, but it’s gotten to the point where now it really stresses me out. Any kind of confrontation, or sometimes just conversation with my mom stresses me out. Just writing this stresses me out, even though I was pretty fine before I started writing it.

We went to family therapy once over a year ago, where my parents essentially just blamed everything on me, even though they explicitly said it wouldn’t be like that. I talked with the therapist one time after that alone, but nothing really came of it, and that was before I was so stressed.

Just to give you a sense of what it’s like:

We were on vacation, and we went to one of the restaurants there that was supposed to have a vegan option. I read the allergen menu to be sure, though, and I didn’t recognize like half the ingredients, so I decided not to get it. Since they complained, though, I decided that it was probably vegan and that I’d get it. I just checked the ingredient list again to see if I missed anything that was obviously non-vegan, and I noticed that it had an ingredient that I’m allergic to. I asked if that could be left out (mustard seeds), but the man told me it was prepackaged, so they couldn’t do that. I went back to my parents and told them what happened- but they were still furious! My mom actually accused me oflying about really wanting to get that dish, and said I was just looking for an excuse to not get it. They were really nasty, and I started crying (not bawling or anything, just tearing up a little, and not intentionally), and my mom got even more vicious. She was like, “Why are you crying? Do you see anybody else crying?”

And she clearly has underlying issues about my beliefs. There have been multiple instances where we’ve been talking about things, and my mom randomly finds a way to complain that I’m a vegan/atheist/liberal, even when it doesn’t have anything to do with what we’re talking about. When I’ve tried to talk to her about these underlying issues, she’s gotten really defensive and started yelling, and/or avoided the conversation. One time, she was just dismissive- “Yeah yeah, I’ll get over your beliefs.”

She screams every day at my brother about college, and has threatened to kick him out and not pay for his college. She screams at my four year old sister, and is pretty much always hostile. I’m really concerned about both of them, too. My brother has dropped subtle hints that he is not happy, and it can’t be good for a four year old to be screamed at all of the time. But whenever I confront them about this stuff, they just blow me off and dismiss what I’m saying, and say, “What else are we supposed to do?”

I really just despise my mom, honestly. If I was an adult, and could, I would’ve cut her off by now. She causes me so much stress. There have been three instances recently where I’ve been trying to study, and she just doesn’t care, and keeps screaming about whatever. One time, she randomly accused me of losing the top of a container, and I told her that I was studying and to be quiet. When she realized that my dad misplaced it, she apologized, but I basically didn’t forgive her, and told her that it bothers me that she disrupts my study sessions and then complains when I don’t get amazing grades. And then she’s like, “Oh, I see, so you don’t accept apologies.” Even after we stopped arguing, I was so upset that I couldn’t focus on my studying, and I went upstairs and cried.

I just don’t like anything about her. She’s a huge gossip too, and it just disgusts me. She supports Donald Trump, and calls me brainwashed… >.<

Anyway, after that argument with her about the container, she came upstairs later and apologized again. She said she was just cranky from work, and that she’d try to improve. She told me that she loved me a couple times, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the same to her…

I mean, she never apologized for all the attacks to me about her perception of mysexuality (they even made me meet with the principal about being in an anti-bullying club that focused mainly on LGBT+ bullying in middle school), and saying horrible things to me for being an atheist and vegan etc.. I can’t warm up to her, even though it seems like she’s been trying to be nicer recently (after the studying incident). I don’t want anything to do with her, but I’m stuck with her for a few more years until I turn eighteen.

Anyway, this was originally supposed to be mainly about the possibility of my mother having some mental health issues. Like I said, she’s nearly ALWAYS stressed out, and screams at my brother and sister every single day. She said that she was so nervous about my brother and college at work that she couldn’t even eat her lunch. And she also has crazy delusions, like that Obama made up a Thomas Jefferson quote that she doesn’t like. She's also EXTREMELY over-protective. When we used to go on walks up and down the road a few months ago, she'd make sure she could always see me. At one point, I turned back to the house to go inside because I was upset with her for her over-protectiveness, and even though the house was very very close (you could see it from where we were standing), she felt the need to watch me go inside to make sure I didn't get kidnapped.
What do you think I should do?
Thanks for reading. =)

A Distressed Teenager

Dear Teen,

I am delighted that you wrote to me. I understand why you are feeling so stressed. Your descriptions of your parents' behavior particularly your mother's behavior leads me to believe that yes your mother is dealing with some serious issues of her own. At the very least your mother is critical, demeaning and acts like a bully toward you. It does not sound like your father is able to help the family. That is a shame. Clearly, your mother has angercontrol issues and emotional regulation issues. What I mean here is that she is very emotional intense and volatile and seems to have difficulty tempering her level of emotional expression. I'm wondering if your mother has a problem with substance abuse. Does she drink and does that affect her mood and behavior? You also describe behavior that may be consistent with paranoid personality disorder including her suspicious behavior, odd accusations and the delusion that you describe. I do not,however, have enough information to determine if your mother has a mood disorder, a personality disorder or/and a substance abuse problem. She clearly has anxiety issues.

I am clear, however, that your environment is very stressful for you. We all hope for a mother who is supportive and the leader of our fan club. Unfortunately, many of us fail to receive that kind of mothering. It is a shame that family therapy was not gratifying or helpful. I recommend a few things for you. First, I understand why it is difficult for you to be forgiving and nice with your mother. I do think though that you should try your best to remain calm around your mother. I know that this may be very tough but any intensely expressed emotion on your part may make your mother angrier and provide her with more behavior to use against you. Second, is it possible for you to spend less time at home and get involved in positive activities outside of the home? Perhaps less time at home may reduce your stress level. Third, is it possible that helping your mother around the house a bit may reduce her stress and anxiety level and then result in a calmer household? Maybe you have already tried this and it may not even work but it sure is worth a try. Fourth, you should probably do your best to stay away from controversial topics around your parents. It is unlikely that they will change their views. And finally I would love to see you get some support outside of the home. You are shouldering a lot on your own. Perhaps you can speak to a guidance counselor at school or even to your family doctor and get a referral to a therapist who specializes in working with teens. The support and guidance of a good therapist who understands you and the situation that you are currently living in would be extremely helpful. None of us are an island and we all benefit from emotional support. Good luck and please get back to me.

Dr. G.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-teen-doctor/201606/i-think-my-mother-is-paranoid