Dear Prudence, I have been married for 20 years to a great guy. I have a big problem, though: I have never liked sex with him. He is a great father and husband, but the sex has never been good. He is the best I have ever had, but if his penis fell off today, I would probably be doing a happy dance in my head. I have to be drunk to have sex with him now and he knows it—and it hurts him. I don’t think I want a divorce. I wonder if letting him sleep around would be the answer. I just worry that if he actually did that I would regret that decision.
—Unhappy Wife
I have to confess: A question like this reminds me of my human limitations. I’m a mortal woman, not a wizard. You love your husband, but you’ve never once enjoyed sleeping with him. The best sex of your entire life leaves you so underwhelmed that if your partner lost his genitals you would dance for joy, yet you’re reluctant to let him sleep with other people because you might regret it. Why would you feel regret if the sex is so unbearable now? This sounds like a nightmare! Based on your letter, I’m not sure if you’re gay or asexual or suffer from a medical condition that prevents you from enjoying sex; I’m not sure if you and your husband should open up your marriage or simply part ways. But I can tell you that almost any alternative would be preferable to the current state of affairs. Try something else. Try anything else. Try couples counseling. Try a sex therapist. Try a doctor. Try saying “I’m gay” or “I’m not interested in sex with anyone” out loud and see how either of those statements feel. Try asking your husband what he would like to do. Ask yourselves if the idea of another 20 years of miserable, reluctant, alcohol-soaked sex is really the best you two can offer one another.
I wonder how much of this has to do with her own hormones?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
