DEAR ABBY: I have had cancer for 12 years. This will be my last year. The chemo treatment was getting stronger and making me sick longer. I told most of my siblings that I decided on no more chemo.
The doctor warned my daughter eight months ago that there will be no stopping the progression of my disease. My daughter has a lot on her plate right now: finding and buying a house, getting a new job and planning her wedding for next year. I have tried to help her plan for my death, but it only upsets her.
I feel great and better each day since I have been off the chemo. I have a positive attitude about the short future that’s ahead of me. So how do I tell my daughter this is my last year? — LIVING AND LOVING LIFE IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR LIVING AND LOVING: I’m sorry about your prognosis. Few people welcome the idea of their parents’ passing, but it is a subject that needs to be discussed.
A way to get the message across to your daughter would be to call a family meeting so that she will have emotional support when she hears about your decision. Announce that you are feeling better than you have in a long time because you are no longer having chemo, and make clear what your wishes are in the event of your death.
Right now your daughter is understandably focused on herself. Do not expect that she will take the news well, and be sure to have your plans in writing so there will be no confusion among family members later.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
OK- I totally get and agree she should be able to stop treatment, BUT her daughter is getting married next year. I'd want to be able to attend that, so I'd keep doing the treatment until I was sure I'd get through that wedding.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
OK- I totally get and agree she should be able to stop treatment, BUT her daughter is getting married next year. I'd want to be able to attend that, so I'd keep doing the treatment until I was sure I'd get through that wedding.
I'm sure, that the Mom, wishes that she never got cancer, either.
Chemo, kills.
Fast.
Wayne's Mom, might have danced at Conor's wedding...if she had turned down the chemo.
Her oncologist, killed her, by insisting that she needed chemo.
One treatment....and done.
Wayne's Mom died....a couple of weeks after her first round of chemo.
She had survived, colon cancer, at age 50.
Surgery, and radiation.
When she got colon cancer again, at age 69, she had surgery.
Her doctor told her, he got it all.
If you want to do, a few more radiation treatments, go for it.
You don't need chemo.
Well, Wayne's Mom, made a huge mistake.
She listened to the ******* oncologist, and took a round of chemo.
OK- I totally get and agree she should be able to stop treatment, BUT her daughter is getting married next year. I'd want to be able to attend that, so I'd keep doing the treatment until I was sure I'd get through that wedding.
I'm sure, that the Mom, wishes that she never got cancer, either.
Chemo, kills.
Fast.
Wayne's Mom, might have danced at Conor's wedding...if she had turned down the chemo.
Her oncologist, killed her, by insisting that she needed chemo.
One treatment....and done.
Wayne's Mom died....a couple of weeks after her first round of chemo.
She had survived, colon cancer, at age 50.
Surgery, and radiation.
When she got colon cancer again, at age 69, she had surgery.
Her doctor told her, he got it all.
If you want to do, a few more radiation treatments, go for it.
You don't need chemo.
Well, Wayne's Mom, made a huge mistake.
She listened to the ******* oncologist, and took a round of chemo.
And, she lost her life. At the tender age of 69.
Her oncologist, killed her.
To make a profit.
He should have left her, alone.
Malpractice? Lawsuit?
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
OK- I totally get and agree she should be able to stop treatment, BUT her daughter is getting married next year. I'd want to be able to attend that, so I'd keep doing the treatment until I was sure I'd get through that wedding.
OK- I totally get and agree she should be able to stop treatment, BUT her daughter is getting married next year. I'd want to be able to attend that, so I'd keep doing the treatment until I was sure I'd get through that wedding.
OK- I totally get and agree she should be able to stop treatment, BUT her daughter is getting married next year. I'd want to be able to attend that, so I'd keep doing the treatment until I was sure I'd get through that wedding.
That is my thought too.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
OK- I totally get and agree she should be able to stop treatment, BUT her daughter is getting married next year. I'd want to be able to attend that, so I'd keep doing the treatment until I was sure I'd get through that wedding.
Its not that simple LL.
I have to agree.
Twelve years of Hell? Twelve years of poison?
flan
I've never been through it so I don't know just how terrible it can be.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
OK- I totally get and agree she should be able to stop treatment, BUT her daughter is getting married next year. I'd want to be able to attend that, so I'd keep doing the treatment until I was sure I'd get through that wedding.
Its not that simple LL.
I have to agree.
Twelve years of Hell? Twelve years of poison?
flan
I've never been through it so I don't know just how terrible it can be.
OK- I totally get and agree she should be able to stop treatment, BUT her daughter is getting married next year. I'd want to be able to attend that, so I'd keep doing the treatment until I was sure I'd get through that wedding.
Its not that simple LL.
Of course it's not simple - who said it was? But I'd be having some serious conversations with my doctor about how long additional chemo treatments would keep me alive, and how long before the wedding I should stop so I feel good enough to attend, yet am not quite at death's door. She's fought this for 12 years and is still here - I'm quite certain she is not a weak woman, nor are her doctors idiots.
edited to change daughter to doctor.
-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Tuesday 21st of June 2016 09:20:57 AM
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I'm with FWM. I've known more than one person who was killed by chemo. Their prognosis without treatment was 3 years. They took treatment and died within months.
I think years ago chemo was not as strong and had a better success rate. Now it's stronger to kill the cancer and it instead, kills the patient.
I have been told several times by my doc that I have a less than 15% chance to live beyond 5 years. That I will be doing chemo every other week "for the rest of my life" I had another doc comment about my liver failing and saying "that is what is going to kill you". Each time comments like these are said, I think my husband's heart stops for a while and he gets sad for days. I don't get sad or upset cuz I know what waits for me on the other side and I am ready to embrace it. But what I am FIGHTING FOR though is to NOT leave my family. It breaks my heart to think that while I would be celebrating in paradise, they would be mourning for years to come. So I am working hard and praying hard that God will let me stay just a little while longer. But it is one thing to power through all the negativity that being diagnosed with Cancer does to your thinking, and another to hear it verbalized when you are not bracing for it. And here I am only 8 months into it. This woman has been powering through it for 12 years? eesh! I applaud her gumption! I also say she deserves the permission to let go.
Cheerios, I hope you get much longer than 5 years. My SIL was diagnosed with breast cancer 14 years ago. About 10 years ago they told her to get her affairs in order & to enjoy her summer because she wouldn't live to see another. She is still fighting. She has done all different sorts of chemo concoctions & now takes a pill every day. You can share that with your hubs when he gets down about your prognosis.
As for the OP. I'm sure it is miserable to constantly be poisoned. If she is tired of fighting then she has earned the right to quit the chemo.
I have been told several times by my doc that I have a less than 15% chance to live beyond 5 years. That I will be doing chemo every other week "for the rest of my life" I had another doc comment about my liver failing and saying "that is what is going to kill you". Each time comments like these are said, I think my husband's heart stops for a while and he gets sad for days. I don't get sad or upset cuz I know what waits for me on the other side and I am ready to embrace it. But what I am FIGHTING FOR though is to NOT leave my family. It breaks my heart to think that while I would be celebrating in paradise, they would be mourning for years to come. So I am working hard and praying hard that God will let me stay just a little while longer. But it is one thing to power through all the negativity that being diagnosed with Cancer does to your thinking, and another to hear it verbalized when you are not bracing for it. And here I am only 8 months into it. This woman has been powering through it for 12 years? eesh! I applaud her gumption! I also say she deserves the permission to let go.
Have I told you today that you are my hero?
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
I see so many patients that get a cure or many more years from chemo so chemo is not bad in general. But that said I think I would let nature take its course after 12 years. I would leave it to God.
Cheerios you are truly amazing 💕🐶
-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Wednesday 22nd of June 2016 09:45:01 AM
12 years is an awfully long time to fight. I think all people should have the right to decide their own treatments for whatever ailments or infirmities they may have, even up to and including the choice to not be treated.
I can understand her happiness at finally feeling good again. It is a weird thing to live day in and day out feeling like a pixilated picture. It is too hard to describe, but you can tell things are 'off', skewed, c0ckeyed... disjointed.
If she wants to stop, she should stop. Have a conversation with her daughter and tell her the real prognosis. It might upset her but that's like and part of being an adult. Maybe she wants to move up the wedding date. If not, then that is fine either way.
And, her daughter doesnt' want to help make funeral arrangements. SO, she should go prepay her funeral and have the instructions in place. That will make it an easier time for her daughter when the time comes and she can consider it a gift to her daughter in that way.
kicks a stone: Thank you dear!
