DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old son, "Evan," recently moved out to be with his girlfriend. They live in a small apartment and cannot afford a lot beyond the basics, including internet. They spend every moment at my house when they are not working. They use our internet, eat our food and drink our beverages. I know this may sound terrible, but I want my freedom!
I don't feel I should be obligated to give them free food and internet every day, considering that they show up with new phones and new speakers in their cars. When I try to discuss it with them, they accuse me of being "mean." They don't comprehend why I feel taken advantage of.
If they would come to visit with me instead of just hanging around, I'd welcome it. But neither of them hardly speaks to me while they're here. How do I approach this without making Evan and his girlfriend feel completely unwelcome? -- MOM NEEDING SPACE IN TEXAS
DEAR MOM: Set some boundaries by telling Evan and his girlfriend a version of what you have written to me. Explain that they're welcome to come over once a week or twice a month -- provided they act like good guests while they're there. Then describe for them what that means, including staying off the internet and leaving their new cellphones in the car.
And while you're at it, don't forget to mention that gracious guests occasionally invite their hostess OUT for a bite. That's not being "mean"; it's explaining the facts of life they seem to have missed while becoming the adults they are.
Kick their butts out. Tell them when they have something to bring to the relationship they are welcome back. In the mean time, shut down your internet when they are around.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
The LW doesn't say if they are working. If they are both working full time, then i would be more inclined to let them come over and feed them and let them use my wifi. Though that needs to be limited as they can't expect mom to provide all their meals. If they are unemployed or underemployed, then you are simply enabling them by preventing them from the privilege of feeling miserable and hungry for better which is a great life motivator to propel one to work harder.
The LW doesn't say if they are working. If they are both working full time, then i would be more inclined to let them come over and feed them and let them use my wifi. Though that needs to be limited as they can't expect mom to provide all their meals. If they are unemployed or underemployed, then you are simply enabling them by preventing them from the privilege of feeling miserable and hungry for better which is a great life motivator to propel one to work harder.
From the letter: They spend every moment at my house when they are not working.
When DH and I were starting out we frequently went to my parents to watch cable and eat dinner (invited). My mom always said that she didn't mind as it gave her a chance to see us and help out in even a small way. We never went expecting to be fed though. As long as they are working, full time, I don't see anything wrong with it. They need to work their way up and that takes time. Being miserable doesn't exactly make one feel like the struggle is worth it. But if the parents are not happy they need to put limits on it. Come on certain days, or never come on a Saturday or whatever. You need to do what's comfortable for you.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Using the wifi and mooching food isn't really the issue for me. Kids do that crap.
But this -
When I try to discuss it with them, they accuse me of being "mean." They don't comprehend why I feel taken advantage of.
If they would come to visit with me instead of just hanging around, I'd welcome it. But neither of them hardly speaks to me while they're here. How do I approach this without making Evan and his girlfriend feel completely unwelcome?
I find that unacceptable. I would tell them they are welcome to visit on occasion, but my house is not an internet cafe, and I want my privacy.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I agree with you LL. Perhaps it would help if everytime they drive up her driveway, she quickly grabs her keys, grabs her purse, then meets them on the sidewalk with a "sorry I can't have company today. I am on my way to (appointment, shopping, lunch with friend, etc.) and can't visit today."
I agree with you LL. Perhaps it would help if everytime they drive up her driveway, she quickly grabs her keys, grabs her purse, then meets them on the sidewalk with a "sorry I can't have company today. I am on my way to (appointment, shopping, lunch with friend, etc.) and can't visit today."
Or maybe she should start walking around naked, or having sex with her husband in all the rooms at any given time.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I agree with you LL. Perhaps it would help if everytime they drive up her driveway, she quickly grabs her keys, grabs her purse, then meets them on the sidewalk with a "sorry I can't have company today. I am on my way to (appointment, shopping, lunch with friend, etc.) and can't visit today."
I don't think that will work. I think they are more chummy than that. I think they have no problem being there eating and playing on the computer whether she is home or not. Just be honest. This is TOO much for me. I need my space. You may come over on X days to use the internet. Otherwise, go to the public library.
Just for the fact this parent felt the need to write and advice column about this topic speaks volumes. She raised her son to be an entitled brat and this is her payback. Grow a pair and set boundaries, who cares what they think of you and, oh BTW, if they think you are mean that would be enough for me to let them over, not! Clearly they have enough time to get parttime jobs to augment their salaries and then they can pay for internet and buy their own food.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Yes their attitudes are the problem. I can see how mom feels put upon. She needs to set limits. At that age my mom would have let me come to dinner every night if I wanted. I usually only went on Sunday nights & came home with a bunch of leftovers. And on Fridays on her way home from the grocery store she'd stop by & bring me a bag of all the BOGOs she could not possibly eat & would just have to throw away since they would spoil. It was funny that my favorite foods were always on sale
I think if mom sets boundaries she will probably be happy when her son & GF stop by for dinner.
-- Edited by Lexxy on Tuesday 28th of June 2016 03:29:53 PM
