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Post Info TOPIC: Should we adopt a nonwhite baby
bargaining chip baby? [11 vote(s)]

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ed11563


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Should we adopt a nonwhite baby
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True Colors

 

 

to tea

Should we adopt a nonwhite baby to teach my racist family a lesson?

 

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are looking into adopting a child. We’ve been discussing some of the details—gender, age, foster care, and race came up during this conversation. I know that the two of us, my parents, and his family would welcome any child with open arms, but over the years I’ve had to correct my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins when they use racist terms or make racist statements. They live close by, and we see them frequently, so they would be involved in our child’s life to some extent. I can see how growing to love a nonwhite child could act as an agent of change for them, but I don’t think that’s a fair situation to knowingly put a child into. My husband thinks we shouldn’t worry about it and assumes they’ll stop the comments if we bring a child over. What do you think?

 

—Racist Family vs. Transracial Adoption

 

I think you’re right: Using a child as some sort of carrot to trick your racist relatives into becoming more open-minded is unfair. I’d go a little further and call it abhorrent. I can’t imagine why your husband thinks that your relatives would suddenly abandon their racist comments if you brought a child over to their house; presumably they have seen children of other races before, and it hasn’t stopped them yet. A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you adopt a child of a different race, should be on nurturing and protecting your child from bigotry, not deploying him or her as an anti-racist Mr. Fix-It. I encourage you to seek out the opinions and experiences of transracial adoptees (rather than other white adoptive parents), and ask yourself honestly whether you’d be capable of respecting and supporting a nonwhite child’s identity before proceeding.



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apple


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OH yes, that sounds like a GREAT idea. do it!!!

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lilyofcourse


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What?

You don't use a child like that.



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I don't see them using anyone. They are merely concerned that if they brought a non white baby into their house, how would their alleged relatives act. They shouldn't be concerned with that. Let the relatives choose if they want to act appropriately to be included in their lives.

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I guess they just need to decide if they are willing to stop seeing those people if their behavior doesn't change. I wouldn't let other people's behavior influence my choice though.

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chef


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A child is not a bargaining tool. Ever.

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FNW


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

I don't see them using anyone. They are merely concerned that if they brought a non white baby into their house, how would their alleged relatives act. They shouldn't be concerned with that. Let the relatives choose if they want to act appropriately to be included in their lives.

 I don't see them using anyone either.  I see them concerned as to how their children will be treated by relatives.



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ed11563


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I voted "no" because I agree with the LW,

it's not a fair situation to bring a child into.

 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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You don't adopt a child to give them a "job". That's ridiculous.

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FNW


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Meh, I knew my in-laws hated children...all children. That wasn't going to stop me from having a family of my own. Sure, I had hoped they would love their own grandchildren, but staying away is an easy enough fix.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Your inlaws hate children? Jeepers. Do they like adults or do they just hate people in general?

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karl271


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Talk about bringing more misery into the world - for the child, the relatives, etc. etc... I doubt the individual asking the question is thinking much at all about anything but some kind of payback or believing they can force relatives to stop being racist... Unbelievable....

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Lawyerlady


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FNW wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

I don't see them using anyone. They are merely concerned that if they brought a non white baby into their house, how would their alleged relatives act. They shouldn't be concerned with that. Let the relatives choose if they want to act appropriately to be included in their lives.

 I don't see them using anyone either.  I see them concerned as to how their children will be treated by relatives.

 That's what I see, too.  And they are HOPING it would change some attitudes.  That is not the same thing as using a child.



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karl271


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And if it does not change the attitudes?? Where is the child on birthdays, etc. etc. Hopefully not ignored, but....

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Lawyerlady


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karl271 wrote:

And if it does not change the attitudes?? Where is the child on birthdays, etc. etc. Hopefully not ignored, but....

 That happens in lots of families all the time.  But the answer is - you stop spending time with those people.  Being "family" doesn't give you the right to treat other people like crap and get away with it.

 

I will never understand the mindset that you have to put up with horrible people because they are family.  



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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Your inlaws hate children? Jeepers. Do they like adults or do they just hate people in general?

 They hate children.  I always knew it.  They were nice to us until we had children.  The very first time I met FIL and his wife, she told me she had a grandson.  He was 7 so they were just starting to spend time with him.  She said they stayed away when he was younger, because he wasn't any fun.  Now he was at the age that they could start to talk to him, so they were starting to be around him.  

FIL & wife would talk about children in restaurants, how they had no business being out and about like that, how they would leave if they couldn't get a table in a different room from children, etc.

It came as no surprise that they didn't like children, heck, she didn't even like her own grandchild, but what did come as a surprise was that they asked to come down so often when the boys were babies.  Until we realized it was because MIL was coming down and it was a competition as to who could spend more time down here.   And when they did come down, they usually stayed in the fleebag motel rather than with us, even though they were welcome to our guest room.  The time they spent with the boys consisted of them sitting on the couch staring at them, or them (the in-laws) playing Sudoku or crossword puzzles that they brought with them, and totally ignoring the boys altogether.   That's when we cut off their visits and the hostility worsened.



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TrudyML


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Your inlaws hate children? Jeepers. Do they like adults or do they just hate people in general?

Everyone!  Miserable sods. 



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flan327


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We have 100% agreement on this matter!

flan

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FNW


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My point being is that I would not let my families' opinions or behavior keep me from my dream of having a family of my own. And if they can't curb their behavior, then they will not be a part of my children's lives. Those old goats will be dead and gone some day, but my children will still be with me, God willing.

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TrudyML


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Kick a goat!

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FNW wrote:

My point being is that I would not let my families' opinions or behavior keep me from my dream of having a family of my own. And if they can't curb their behavior, then they will not be a part of my children's lives. Those old goats will be dead and gone some day, but my children will still be with me, God willing.

 I agree completely.



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just Czech


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FNW wrote:

My point being is that I would not let my families' opinions or behavior keep me from my dream of having a family of my own. And if they can't curb their behavior, then they will not be a part of my children's lives. Those old goats will be dead and gone some day, but my children will still be with me, God willing.

 This!

I refuse to vote because I am appalled by the way the poll question is worded.



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just Czech wrote:
FNW wrote:

My point being is that I would not let my families' opinions or behavior keep me from my dream of having a family of my own. And if they can't curb their behavior, then they will not be a part of my children's lives. Those old goats will be dead and gone some day, but my children will still be with me, God willing.

 This!

I refuse to vote because I am appalled by the way the poll question is worded.

 I was hoping you wouldn't see this...

 



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ed11563


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just Czech wrote:
FNW wrote:

My point being is that I would not let my families' opinions or behavior keep me from my dream of having a family of my own. And if they can't curb their behavior, then they will not be a part of my children's lives. Those old goats will be dead and gone some day, but my children will still be with me, God willing.

 This!

I refuse to vote because I am appalled by the way the poll question is worded.

 How would you word the question?



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just Czech


Give Me Grand's!

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Ed, a child is NOT a bargaining chip ever.

It would not be appropriate to state that any child has a price. Bargaining denotes "of less worth", "cheaper", "a deal" and so on.

I will let you think about how to rephrase the question.

I am containing my wrath because this is you, ed.

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