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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Carolyn: Can You Do Me a Favor?
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Carolyn: Can You Do Me a Favor?
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Dear Carolyn: Not long ago I asked my sister, “Could you do me a favor?” She replied, “Tell me what it is first.” I was taken aback by her response. It turned out she could not. I then asked a friend, who said, “I sure hope so, what is it?” What a difference her tone and response made.

Let me state that I hate to rely on others, especially my sister, but have no other family nearby. — Sensitive

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DETROIT FREE PRESS

Set some boundaries for parents

Dear Sensitive: I can’t do anything about your sister, and nor can you, really; you can ask her not to be so blunt, of course, but it’s still up to her whether she softens her edges for you.

There are two ways you can help yourself here, though, that don’t rely on anyone else.

The first is in your signature: “sensitive.” You can decide not to let it get to you when someone is a few social cues short of graceful. Whether you stop asking your sister for favors altogether, or go into these conversations knowing she’s terse and prickly, or remind yourself afterward that your discomfort with asking means you’ll always emerge feeling icky, or something else, or all of the above — you can work your own dials to limit your sensitivity. Rule of thumb for a lower-stress existence: Respond to trends, not incidents, and know the limits of what you control.

The second thing you can do is banish the “Could you do me a favor?” phrasing from your lexicon completely. It’s both mealy — since you’re just padding what you really want with an introductory ask — and an ambush, since you’re forcing an answer before you disclose all the facts. The two encounters you describe here are both telling you this in their different ways; your sister and friend both essentially said,Please just state what you want.

So, please just state what you want: “I can’t drive myself to the doctor next Tuesday because I’m getting anesthesia. Would you be able to take me?” That leaves them nothing to navigate except a simple yes or no.



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I know what to do_sometimes


Frozen Sucks!

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Oh boy, I know someone who always would would ask for a favor preceded by "What are you doing today?" or something like. He would then tell you how your time/money/etc would help him out. Perhaps "sensitive" does this frequently and so sis wants to know the real question up front.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I personally can't agree to do someone a favor until i actually know what favor they are asking. So, to start with that and expect a Yes before you tell someone what you are asking is ridiculous and childish.



-- Edited by Lady Gaga Snerd on Monday 4th of July 2016 10:29:11 AM

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Mellow Momma


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I personally can't agree to do someone a favor until i actually know what favor they are asking. So, to start with that and expect a Yes before you tell someone what you are asking is ridiculous and childish.



-- Edited by Lady Gaga Snerd on Monday 4th of July 2016 10:29:11 AM

 Agreed. The sister was being honest and smart. What if the favor was driving her sister across the country to pick up an antique dresser? Well no, I can't help you do that. Need a ride to work tomorrow, yes, I can probably help you with that. She is just being honest. Sheesh. 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I can do you a favor IF i can do you a favor and i want too. However, it isnt' possible to agree to what everyone wants.

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Southern_Belle


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Can I ask you for a favor? Sure, ask away, doesn't mean I can or will do it. I've learned the more you do for certain people, the more they ask. My favorite was when a neighbor would send a kid over to say, my mom needs to go to the store or something like that. Um, bring your grown ass over here and stop sending your kid to do your dirty work.

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FNW


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Oh hell, some people are so sensitive.

Don't ask a question if you won't want to hear the answer.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I have learned to say No. I have had too many people try to take advantage of me.

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FNW


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I remember an older lady I worked with once replied, to a woman who had a habit of getting others to do her work, "Favors are not on my agenda today!"

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lilyofcourse


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"Can you do me a favor?"

"No."

End of it.

But seriously, of course you need to know what the favor is before you agree to do it.



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Southern_Belle


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DD texts me all the time "can I ask you a question?" Ya just did baby cakes!

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flan327


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FNW wrote:

Oh hell, some people are so sensitive.

Don't ask a question if you won't want to hear the answer.

 Why not?

biggrin

flan



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Mellow Momma


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Who writes a blank check?! I would never agree to doing a favor before I knew what it was. Common sense.

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flan327


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Mellow Momma wrote:

Who writes a blank check?! I would never agree to doing a favor before I knew what it was. Common sense.

 Hey, could you drive me to the dentist next Tuesday? My appointment is at 9:30.

TIA,

flan



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Nobody Just Nobody


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This is kind of a no brainer. Who would agree to something before they knew what it was. Wait, the words are coming back to me now. "We have to pass the bill to know what's in the bill."

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Mellow Momma


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flan327 wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:

Who writes a blank check?! I would never agree to doing a favor before I knew what it was. Common sense.

 Hey, could you drive me to the dentist next Tuesday? My appointment is at 9:30.

TIA,

flan

 Sure. I need a ride to the airport next week can you take me? I might have a GoFundMe for the plane ticket that I will expect you to contribute to as well. I hope that isn't an issue for you. If it is, I will email all of our mutual friends and complain about you. 



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flan327


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Mellow Momma wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:

Who writes a blank check?! I would never agree to doing a favor before I knew what it was. Common sense.

 Hey, could you drive me to the dentist next Tuesday? My appointment is at 9:30.

TIA,

flan

 Sure. I need a ride to the airport next week can you take me? I might have a GoFundMe for the plane ticket that I will expect you to contribute to as well. I hope that isn't an issue for you. If it is, I will email all of our mutual friends and complain about you. 

 Which airport...mine or yours?

As far as your empty threat, I don't have any friends, remember?

hmm

flan



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Mellow Momma


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Lol sure you do!!

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Mary Zombie


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I have a friend that would do that all of the time. Or she would ask me what inward doing this weekend. Got roped into helping with heavy schlepping or babysitting way too many times
Now...What am so doing this weekend? Why do you ask...
Will you do me a favor ? .....Depends on what it is....

I have a feeling the LW has cashed in too many favor credits with her peeps!



-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Tuesday 5th of July 2016 09:55:00 AM

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