Q. My mother abused my dying father: My mother abused my dying father, withholding medicine and food, as well as verbally, such that he didn’t say when he soiled himself in order to avoid her abuse as others changed him. The list goes on. I moved in with them for the last six weeks to try and protect him. Authorities and other family members were aware of the situation. I don’t seem to be able to forgive and forget when it comes to my mother, unlike the rest of the family. Now, most of the family wants little to nothing to do with me because I’ve cut ties with mother. It’s coming to a head, as I’ve been told my presence at a longstanding family vacation would make others uncomfortable wondering what could happen with Mom and I both in attendance. I’m suffering. I’ve lost my father and a lot of my family at the same time. Do I once again make peace with my manipulative, lying, abusive, and narcissistic mother at my own personal cost so I can have my family back? Or do I keep my ties with her broken? And, yes, I’m in counseling and have asked some family to join me with no takers.
A: As a general rule, I think a person should consider cutting off ties with someone else, particularly a family member, as a last resort and with good cause. “My mother withheld food from my dying father and left him lying in his own filth, and I had to move in with them in order to make sure his final days were not spent in neglect and agony” is a very good cause. There is no misunderstanding here, no way to see it from her side that would mitigate her behavior; your mother did something nigh-unforgivable and has apparently demonstrated no remorse. How on Earth could you “forgive and forget” that your mother tried to kill your helpless father when she hasn’t offered up even a half-hearted apology? How on earth could you restore ties with other family members who prioritize feeling comfortable at a lake house over holding someone accountable for abusing a dying man? There are people it is not worth having ties with, and anyone who wants to sweep abuse under the rug is not someone you need in your life. How fortunate that your father had you in his life to protect him in his final moments. Don’t let yourself be pressured into smiling and making nice with the woman who tried to kill him.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I have to wonder though if the remainder of the family doesn't see her acts as unforgivable was it really as bad as the LW makes it out to be? Maybe the entire extended family is bat shyt crazy or maybe the LW is overdramatizing the situation & that is why the whole family sided with mom.
