DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been together for eight years. When we first met, I was in the military and she was a bartender. Needless to say, she made far more money than I did at the time. Six months into our relationship, she got pregnant and quit her job. For the next seven years she raised our children and went to school while I did whatever I had to do -- working two jobs -- to make enough to pay the bills.
I am now out of the military. I have been at a company for six years, and we are finally reaching a point where we don't worry about money as much. She will graduate from school soon, and hopefully start working right after. She now says that when she starts working, she wants to keep separate bank accounts and split the bills evenly based on pay.
Until now, I haven't resented her for not working because she has been caring for our children, our home and has been a full-time student, but the thought of her wanting to keep her money to herself is weird and hurtful to me. How can I bring this up with her without it making it seem like I think she owes me something? -- SEPARATE ACCOUNTS IN TEXAS
DEAR SEPARATE ACCOUNTS: Ask your wife why she wants to separate your finances, because marriage is supposed to be a partnership. She does ''owe you something'' -- an explanation.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Personally, until DH, I always kept a separate account, JIC. Escape money. I came to realize that I did this because I was not fully committed. One foot in, one foot out. So this self-revelation led me to understand that if I ever felt that way in a relationship, then the relationship would not work for me. I never had this need with DH. From the moment we got married, it all went into one pot. Well, several pots, but all in both names.
We have separate accounts and it works for us. DH is a saver and I am a spender, so he is in charge of our savings. Plus, as an attorney, for liability purposes, I don't want my name on our real money. DH's name is on all my accounts, but mine is not on his except for as beneficiary. As for escape money - that is not a concern for me. And I have excellent credit and my own credit cards if he suddenly went insane.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Husband and I have always had separate accounts. It works for us.
I do think it is very strange that the LW's wife suddenly wants to keep her money separate if they didn't keep their own accounts before.
Husband and I have always had separate accounts. It works for us. I do think it is very strange that the LW's wife suddenly wants to keep her money separate if they didn't keep their own accounts before.
Well, she's one of those with a "what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine" attitude.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I actually have online access to my husband's account. He will not do online banking for anything - but one of our mortgages is with the same bank, and I handle that, so when I log in, I can see DH's account.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
We share our finances. I can certainly understand having separate finances but we've been combined since we were married. At one time or another we have each been the sole breadwinner and I'm not sure how separate finances would have worked then.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
To each his own. Personally, this "mine vs. yours" crap doesn't work for me. It's "us" and "ours." We're united that way. But we share the same views on spending. I think if we didn't, separate accounts would be better. Then again, I couldn't stay married to a spender. I know this from experience.
I prefer separate accounts. IMO the person pushing for joint accounts is the one you have to worry about.
If that had been the way they had always done it I would agree with you. She didn't work for years and the finances were jointly held. Now that she'll be making more money she wants them separate. She wants to split the bills based on how much each one is paid. Sounds to me like she's planning an escape.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
I had joint accounts with my first husband and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have terrible money management skills, so if I don't even so much as catch a whiff of it I'm doing okay.
I also think it sounds fishy that she wants separate accounts after so many years
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
To each his own. Personally, this "mine vs. yours" crap doesn't work for me. It's "us" and "ours." We're united that way. But we share the same views on spending. I think if we didn't, separate accounts would be better. Then again, I couldn't stay married to a spender. I know this from experience.
I agree totally.
Although, I will say, I have NO idea how much money we have or even how much comes out every month. I really need to get on that. I'm sure there are bills that are paid that I don't even know about....
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
We have His, Her and Ours accounts. This is how we started way back when because of the ExW. We always kept my money separate and the joint account was used to pay bills. We both would just transfer money to it.
To each his own. Personally, this "mine vs. yours" crap doesn't work for me. It's "us" and "ours." We're united that way. But we share the same views on spending. I think if we didn't, separate accounts would be better. Then again, I couldn't stay married to a spender. I know this from experience.
I agree totally.
Although, I will say, I have NO idea how much money we have or even how much comes out every month. I really need to get on that. I'm sure there are bills that are paid that I don't even know about....
You absolutely need to know all of this. one of the unexpectedly difficult parts of Grampa's illness was that Nana had to take over all the financial stuff. She had never paid any bills before. She had never even put gas in her car before.
She suddenly had to figure all of it out while Grampa was in the hospital for six months, the first 4 he was unconscious.
I prefer a joint account. All for one and one for all. However, there are times where having separate or other accounts may make sense. Like if you are self employed and run a business or one spouse isn't particularly good with money, etc.
In general , i think it is kind of silly to set up your marriage as "50/50 bills. I mean, maybe when you are both young and working that can work. But, in life, there are different "seasons' of life. Like it works in the beginning, but then one spouse stays home to raise children. Or, loses a job or any number of things. It is all "our" money and that is how we both view it. There may be times where i work more, earn more, and vice versa.
I insisted on separate accounts with my last marriage. It is not something I think married people should, with the exception of the mad money account. I even felt that way when I married but I couldn't bring myself to merge all our accounts. So we set up a separate one where we both contributed and paid the household bills out of. I know now I should have listened to myself, I didn't trust him with my money, always knew he would screw me, or try to, wish I had owned up to that thought before marrying him.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
well, from reading the op would say the wife is preparing to make an exit--regards the separate accounts, guess it's up to the parties--with the exception of a couple of trust accounts that were in existence long before i was born and a stock/trading account have had for about 25 years, everything we have banking-wise has always been in her name--we have a couple of trusts that own our assets together but that's more to limit our liability than anything else
as far as $$$ in general, without her it really doesn't matter to me
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" the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. "--edmund burke
