DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 13-year-old son, my only child. For the past 10 years I have been living with mounting guilt over the fact that he doesn't have a sibling. It's not because my husband and I haven't tried, we have. But fertility issues took us down an empty road, and adoption discussions were just that -- discussions.
I can't tell you how many times our son has said he wishes he had a sibling. Every time, it's like a knife in my heart and the guilt surges back. I think about the future and how he will have no brother or sister to share life with or lean on when something happens to my husband or me. Although I have always felt blessed to have him, I can't escape these feelings. Sometimes I feel like I have failed him horribly.
It's worth noting that my son is a happy, well-adjusted child. He has good peer relationships in school, is close to me and my husband and has hobbies and friends he enjoys spending time with. My love for him is endless, and I pray that he will forgive me someday for not being able to give him what he has so deserved. -- SAD MOM IN OHIO
DEAR SAD MOM: Take a step back, stop self-flagellating and ask yourself how many times your son may have also asked for a puppy. You say you have raised a happy, well-adjusted son. That's an accomplishment that should fill you with pride. Not being able to give birth to another child is not something you should feel guilty about or need forgiveness for, and neither is refraining from adopting "so your son would have a sibling." Not all siblings have the kind of relationship you fantasize about. While some do, many do not.
Please consider carefully what I have said and search your heart. And if you still think you are guilty of any sin of omission, discuss it with a licensed psychotherapist.
I'm an only child and am fine with not having a sibling. DH has 1 sibling - a brother - that he doesn't talk to. I'm unable to have more kids so DS will be an only child unless DH and I adopt.
Perhaps LW's son would enjoy getting involved in the Big Brothers program.
I once heard, the first child you have for yourself. The second one is for your child.
That being said, even though my boys have built-in buddies, they want me to have another. I usually tell them I can adopt a girl and that shuts them up.
I feel bad about Bunny being an only every time he plays with an imaginary friend. Lately he has started saying that the cats are his brothers and sisters.
I know we can't afford to adopt, so he will just have to get used to being an only child.
If things were different, I'd probably had at least one more.
I wanted a bunch of kids.
And I'm glad my kids have each other and are so close.
The thing the LW isn't thinking about, is that just because there is a sibling, it doesn't mean they will be close. There is a great chance they won't even like each other.
If the son is happy, stable, well rounded, has quality friends and is generally good with things, stop worrying.
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I don't think this is something to feel guilty about. There are pros and cons to both ways - only and multiple children. And in her case, it is what it is.
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LawyerLady
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