My husband of 10 years recently came out to me as a trans woman. She says she is a lesbian, and wants to stay and make it work. I am trying to be supportive, but I am feeling betrayed and weirded out and pretty sure I'm not a lesbian. When I hide my confusion, she's ecstatically happy to be her real self; when I mention some aspect of my unhappiness, she goes very quiet.
I feel sad and alone and confused, and I don't know how much of that to let show. I thought I had a best friend and that we told each other everything, but apparently not.
Should I "fake it until I make it," or let myself flinch when she tries to hug me while dressed as a woman, or something in between? Separating is not an option: We have two small children who adore both their parents.
— Honesty?
Please contact the Straight Spouse Network (straightspouse.org) and/or PFLAG (pflag.org). You need someone to talk to as you deal with your shock and figure out what to do next, while somehow being a seamless co-parent. Going it alone makes no sense.
As for how you act, just tell your spouse you need time. "I am not ready for hugs," said kindly, is perfectly fair. She has had a lifetime to process this; you've had days. You can say that kindly, too.
So she goes quiet; being supportive doesn't mean you can't show feelings of your own. To deny you that is myopic. You can be both thoughtful and real.
As for separating: Supporting each other as people and parents means you can make it an option, if you want. You're hetero, and your marriage isn't. Your separate homes can be in the same town, street, building. Why not?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Pardon my blissful ignorance, but was the husband in question born a man and decided to become a "lesbian woman", or was the husband born a woman and had a change done before marriage? It's the first one, right?
Pardon my blissful ignorance, but was the husband in question born a man and decided to become a "lesbian woman", or was the husband born a woman and had a change done before marriage? It's the first one, right?
I had to play with that in my brain too. I believe it is the first. He just woke up one day & decided to play dress up & since he likes women it makes him a lesbian.
I am in agreement with you all. I feel he can be who he feels he is and do what is best for him/her, but I also must do the same. and we can still remain good co-parents, just not spouses.
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~~Four Wheels Move the Body~~ ~~ Two Wheels Move the Soul~~
I would not remain in the marriage if DH decided he was a woman as the marriage would now be unbiblical. DH would say the same thing if I decided I was a man.
My husband of 10 years recently came out to me as a trans woman. She says she is a lesbian,
So the husband was a woman or he wants to be a woman?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
This is so difficult. I don't think I could stay if my wife came out as a trans man. I love her for her but much of that is because she is female. I would definitely support her if she decided to transition into a he but I think I would be turned off, sexually. We would definitely remain friends but I would cry for the loss of my wife, for sure. Blessings to those beautiful people.
My husband of 10 years recently came out to me as a trans woman. She says she is a lesbian,
So the husband was a woman or he wants to be a woman?
HE says he's a woman, so the wife is referring to him as SHE. Her husband says he's a woman, but a lesbian so it's ok, they can stay married.
Sordid.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I've known several people whose spouse "came out" and they all ended in divorce. I can't say I've known any one whose spouse decided they wanted to be a different gender. Personally, I would find it very difficult to stay with someone who is so emotionally ill.
