DEAR ABBY: My friend “Virginia” and I have known each other for 11 years. Five years ago she went into renal failure and was on dialysis for three years. It was hard on her and she needed a kidney transplant. Her three healthy siblings refused to be tested as a possible match.
Virginia is on the young side, and she was in such a bad way I agreed to be tested. After several procedures it was determined I was a “close enough” match, so we decided to go for it. She was scared to death right before the surgery. I convinced her that even though things might be rough for a while, she would be glad she went through with it.
It has been 18 months now, and I have not seen or heard from Virginia since the day after the surgery. I called her a few times to make sure she was doing well. She never returned my calls and has completely dropped out of my life.
She lives only four blocks away, so I know things are going OK for her. I figured I’d give her some space, but that space has turned into forever. I haven’t heard from her family either. They visited Virginia at the hospital, but didn’t stop in to see me just three rooms away.
How could I have been so wrong about someone I knew for so long? My husband says Virginia is an idiot and I should let it go. My therapist says I’ll have to “adjust to the injustice.”
I would have donated to a complete stranger without hesitation. But Virginia wasn’t a stranger. I never expected to lose my friend along with my kidney. Can you please help me handle this? — BLINDSIDED IN NEW YORK
DEAR BLINDSIDED: I can see why you are hurt by the abrupt change in your friend’s behavior, and believe me, I empathize. The knee-jerk reaction of someone who hasn’t been through this would be to say what unfeeling and ungrateful people Virginia and her family are, because you literally saved her life.
However, it may help you to better understand what has happened if you consider that while you saved Virginia’s life, sometimes the burden of gratitude is more than someone can bear. For whatever reason, she may carry some guilt about owing you as much as she does, which is why she can no longer interact with you.
As to her family, that none of her siblings were willing to be tested as possible matches for her speaks volumes about them and the quality of their relationships, so stop feeling slighted. Listen to your therapist because she/he has given you some practical advice.
-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Friday 26th of August 2016 10:06:34 AM
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I would have a real tough time letting this go. I really would. I would have to at least follow it up with a long letter outlining my mourning over a lost friendship and the grief of giving without receiving gratefulness back. It is one thing to go into the situation if you know up front you are not getting anything in return. It is another entirely when you give to someone that you fully expect is going to offer gratitude.
That is messed up. I mean it's not like I would expect someone to grovel at my feet for the rest of their lives, but some flowers and a thank you card and a CONTINUED friendship would be nice. I can see though how it might make things really awkward, kind of like loaning a friend money times a thousand.
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
That is messed up. I mean it's not like I would expect someone to grovel at my feet for the rest of their lives, but some flowers and a thank you card and a CONTINUED friendship would be nice. I can see though how it might make things really awkward, kind of like loaning a friend money times a thousand.
And I could see maybe fading away over time if the donor lorded it over her and expected constant groveling and favors in return - but she never thanked her at all and didn't even call to see how she was. That's just terrible, and makes me hurt for humanity.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I understand the donor's feelings but Luke 6:34-35 comes to mind. I realize her and the recipient weren't enemies but I think there's a broader message of don't give and expect something in return. Also, Luke 14:14 - giving to those who cannot repay you - comes to mind.
Something I just realized as I was typing that and I want to share it. There was a time in my life when I would've been all over the recipient and calling her all sorts of names for being ungrateful. Doing that didn't even occur to me today. I'm sitting here amazed at how God has worked in my life and given me a gentler spirit.
I understand the donor's feelings but Luke 6:34-35 comes to mind. I realize her and the recipient weren't enemies but I think there's a broader message of don't give and expect something in return. Also, Luke 14:14 - giving to those who cannot repay you - comes to mind.
Something I just realized as I was typing that and I want to share it. There was a time in my life when I would've been all over the recipient and calling her all sorts of names for being ungrateful. Doing that didn't even occur to me today. I'm sitting here amazed at how God has worked in my life and given me a gentler spirit.
That's all true - but this isn't so much about expecting something in return so much as expecting not to lose something more. They were friends for years. This woman gave her a kidney and lost the friendship. That's whacked.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I understand the donor's feelings but Luke 6:34-35 comes to mind. I realize her and the recipient weren't enemies but I think there's a broader message of don't give and expect something in return. Also, Luke 14:14 - giving to those who cannot repay you - comes to mind.
Something I just realized as I was typing that and I want to share it. There was a time in my life when I would've been all over the recipient and calling her all sorts of names for being ungrateful. Doing that didn't even occur to me today. I'm sitting here amazed at how God has worked in my life and given me a gentler spirit.
PTL!
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I understand the donor's feelings but Luke 6:34-35 comes to mind. I realize her and the recipient weren't enemies but I think there's a broader message of don't give and expect something in return. Also, Luke 14:14 - giving to those who cannot repay you - comes to mind.
Something I just realized as I was typing that and I want to share it. There was a time in my life when I would've been all over the recipient and calling her all sorts of names for being ungrateful. Doing that didn't even occur to me today. I'm sitting here amazed at how God has worked in my life and given me a gentler spirit.
That's all true - but this isn't so much about expecting something in return so much as expecting not to lose something more. They were friends for years. This woman gave her a kidney and lost the friendship. That's whacked.
Noted. I agree it's whacked that she lost the friendship. I wonder if there's something else going on.
Friendships sometimes fall apart. And, maybe she if she felt beholden or something, then over time i could see where that might cause a rift. However, seems like she was using her, got the kidney, then moved on with her life without her so called friend.
As for donating a kidney, I would donate to my immediate family. I would consider donating to my bff but I have children and my primary responsibility is to be healthy for them.
I'm still pondering the whole thing about giving someone you've known for a relatively short period of time an organ.
Friends for 11 years doesn't seem that short to me.
It is to me because as LGS said my family is my priority and I need to stay healthy for them. Plus if they a kidney I would donate to them. 11 years is a short time for friends. Now if that friend were a 20-30 year friend, perhaps a different story.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
