DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my soul mate for 25 years. We get along great; she’s my best friend and a good mother to our three kids. (She takes care of my mom who lives with us, too.)
The only problem is, she loves to sleep. She will do anything for us except wake up a few hours early without being mad at the world. She gets our kids off to school with no problem, but then returns to bed.
I run a small construction company and need someone to answer the phones and do secretary stuff. Our books are a mess, the house is decent, but she won’t let me hire a part-time secretary. She gets up at noon and spends the rest of the day “catching up.”
It’s driving a wedge in our marriage. My friends and their wives do things together on weekends, but not mine. She sleeps until 2 or 3 p.m. on the weekends.
I work a lot of Saturdays, and when I go to customers’ homes and see the wife outside gardening, it breaks my heart. I have threatened to leave, and she works on it for a couple days and then falls back into the same old habits. Help! — HURTING HUSBAND IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HUSBAND: Not everyone requires the same amount of sleep in order to function. Some folks may be fine with five hours, but others need eight, nine or even 10. If your wife needs more than that, there may be an underlying problem of some kind that she should discuss with her doctor.
In marriage there needs to be compromise. If you are experiencing stress because you don’t have enough help in your business, then you need to hire someone because your wife is already doing all she can taking care of three kids and your mother. And you shouldn’t need her permission.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
If it is hurting his business, then he needs to draw the line. He said the books are a "mess". He needs to just tell her that he is hiring a secretary, period. As for her sleeping, some people need more sleep than others. Or, depressed people also tend to sleep a lot. Or, she might have an underlying medical issue like thyroid problems, lyme's disease. Or, maybe she is simply lazy. I think the first thing to figure out is if she just really enjoys napping or if there is something else going on.
He said the house is decent so she is doing some work when she gets up. But, on weekends, i dont' think she gets a pass to sleep till 2pm. She is married. She needs to work out some compromise. Some weekends she makes plans with her husband and gets up early to enjoy the day. Other weekends might be her turn to sleep in.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I think sleeping until 2 or 3 on Saturday is a bit much, but if she is getting the kids up and off to school each day, and working each afternoon, while also caring for his mother and keeping the house decent, she's either not sleeping as much as he says during the week, or staying up late to get things done. Lots of unanswered questions - Does caring for his mother include during the night? Is he helping at home at all? Is she using Saturday to catch up on sleep she is not getting during the week?
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
More questions: Has she had her thyroid checked or a complete physical lately? Maybe she's suffering from clinical depression because her husband makes too many demands on her...
I agree he needs to go ahead and hire help at work. Unless their finances are also suffering because she's really the only one working... LOL, I could go on and on.
What she didn't see was how much I wasn't sleeping.
Even now, I'll sleep for a couple hours and then be up.
I rarely sleep at night for more than 4 hours.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I wonder if he has ever considered that her sleeping is her "alone time". 3 kids, sickly MIL, and doing his books, albeit not as often as needed. She may just be taking refuge in her room.
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I have a friend who is a night owl and would prefer to sleep from 3ish am to 11am. She likes it because it's quiet and has no interruptions to get things done and is her alone time. Frankly, I think I would enjoy a similar schedule but I have small children, so it's not gonna happen, but when they are older I think I would function best with a midnight/1am bedtime and a 8/9/10am wake time (because I prefer 8-10 hours of sleep to feel fully rested).
-- Edited by NAOW on Tuesday 6th of September 2016 08:45:14 PM
NAOW - what you describe is called delayed sleep phase syndrome. It is true, that some people's natural schedule is "off"
The wife needs to go to her doctor and get a full check out. Excessive sleepiness is not normal and can have many causes. For her sake, I really hope it is not IH, because then something can be done to help her.
This letter also underscores how lucky I am for all the supportive people in my life. They understand I can't help it sometimes and don't define me by my disorder.
I think there's something called a "circadian clock" (?) that has people going to sleep
way way later than most people (say 2, 3, or 4 am) and getting up 6, 7,or 8 hours later -
and that is their "normal". No matter when I go to bed, I'm wide awake 2-3 hours later.
I think OP needs to recognize that his wife is on a different sleep schedule than he is.
His wife may also be sleep deprived. With 3 children, and an invalid MIL, her sleep is
most likely interrupted, which results in poor quality of sleep. Has she been tested for
sleep apnea? That will also disrupt her sleep.
There is something about his letter that rubs me the wrong way. I think it's the comment about other wives gardening and it "breaks his heart". WTH? I HATE gardening and you would rarely, if ever, see me doing that even when I'm not napping. To me, that's like he wants to see her doing even more work on Saturday.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Poor him, out working all the time, and all she has to do is everything else and maybe sleep.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
There is something about his letter that rubs me the wrong way. I think it's the comment about other wives gardening and it "breaks his heart". WTH? I HATE gardening and you would rarely, if ever, see me doing that even when I'm not napping. To me, that's like he wants to see her doing even more work on Saturday.
I do agree that is kind of a weird comment, lol. My gardening consists of weeding and tossing in new mulch. I don't have time for that in my life right now!
Or, she could actually care about her marriage and her husband's feelings perhaps?
Here's the thing - she's sleeping when he's not there, so how is that hurting his feelings? He says he works a lot on Saturday, but then complains that his wife sleeps very late on Saturdays - when he's not even there! She takes the kids to school and comes back to bed, when he's not there! How is this hurting him? If it's just the job thing, then yes - he needs to hire someone, but why is he so upset she is sleeping when he isn't even there?
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
It seems time that she does a lot including taking care of his mother. And she may be escaping by sleeping as well. Who could blame her?
he needs to get over it and hire a secretary.
Running a business out of home isn't easy, but it isn't hard either.
Do what you need to do.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I get up early on the weekends to watch westerns. He sees me tip toe in and he knows- flip it to a western! Then I yell at the bad guys. He just laughs. Or he'll step out and when he returns I'll be having a beer if the guys are in a saloon.
yeah... sleeping till 3 on a saturday? I think she needs to talk to her doc about this. I would have a problem with this if my spouse was checking out so much in life. Yeah... and get a secretary.
They need to compromise that's all. Not sure why it has to be a Him vs Her kind of thing. He wants his wife to be present and engaged more. She likes to sleep. They can both have some of what they want. He needs to hire a Secretary. Not having those duties will give her more time to nap. She needs to get up on SOME weekends and do things with her husband. Why is that so hard? It isn't always about who is Right.
