Dear Carolyn: My best friend informed me she won’t be attending my wedding due to financial constraints. My wedding is across the country in my fiance’s home town, so I completely understood.
Lately, she’s brought up larger purchases she’s been making, and it’s really starting to grate on me. I’m starting to feel like it’s less financial and more, “I don’t want to come.” She’s my closest friend; we lived together for years and constantly talked about being at each other’s weddings. I told her about the wedding location over a year ago and that we chose to not have bridesmaids or any other wedding events to keep costs low for friends.
I don’t know how to express my hurt feelings without sounding like a crazed bridezilla trying to control every dime she spends. If it were any other person I’d be fine, but I’d move heaven and earth to be at her wedding. Can I say anything to her?
Bride
Bride: Sure. That’s what best friends are for. If you include what you’ve included here, particularly the crazed-bridezilla concern, then a nondefensive friend will give you an honest answer.
A defensive friend will get huffy no matter what qualifiers you use, and that could dent the friendship, but you’re already choosing between two risks to the entire existence of the friendship: say nothing and risk resentment and drift from your end, or say something and risk resentment and “See ya” from her end. The latter at least gives both of you a chance to say your piece.
I feel the need to inoculate myself here: This is for true, best, we-tell-each-other-anything friendships. Mere pals do not get to ask why their weddings aren’t others’ financial priority.
To: Bride: I had two very close, out-of-state friends tell me they couldn’t make it to my wedding due to cost. I offered each of them a plane ticket, no strings attached, saying I’d rather save money on something else and have them there.
Forget about why your best friend doesn’t have the money, and offer her a ticket.
Anonymous
To: Bride: It’s not your place to tell your friends how they should spend their money. Is she supposed to deny herself for a year to attend a wedding?
Anonymous 2
Anonymous 2: A regular friend isn’t, I agree.
But this is the bride’s best friend, her partner in “constant” conversations about being there for each other.
It’s not “I’m telling you how to spend your money.” It’s “I thought we were the friends who’d hold bake sales if that’s what it took to fly to each other’s weddings, to mourn each other’s losses, to hold each other’s newborns, to sit with each other through chemo.” It’s one person who would deny herself for a year for an out-of-state wedding asking the other whether those feelings are mutual.
If the feelings aren’t mutual, as some readers have suggested, then that discrepancy is there whether the bride asks the question or not — so no harm in asking — whereas if the feeling is mutual, then the friend gets important information and a chance to change her mind. Honesty with a best friend is a gesture of respect for the friendship.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I have a feeling that best friend is a little irked by the bride's decision not to have a bridesmaid at the wedding. If they has been talking about weddings for years - I bet that was an expectation, and the choice to not even ask her "because of the expense" is probably stinging. So she's using "expense" as a reason not to attend.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
My best friend lived in another state when I got married. She just started her new job and plus didn't have the money to come. I never even thought about being offended.
My bff lives across the country. I never thought to invite her to my wedding. Partly because her oldest son was getting the married the day after my wedding. And partly because we have been long distance friends for far too many years to think we needed to attend each other's milestones to show we cared.
I see this friendship dying. They have been living together for years and this wedding has been on the books for a year, yet her bff cant save to travel? She should talk it over with her, but not have any high hopes for this friendship lasting very long after.
My best friend is getting married in california (I'm in SD) over a year from now and I am already making plans to be able to attend. I wouldn't miss it for anything.
I see this friendship dying. They have been living together for years and this wedding has been on the books for a year, yet her bff cant save to travel? She should talk it over with her, but not have any high hopes for this friendship lasting very long after.
That's why I think it is more to do with the bride failing to ask her BFF to be her maid of honor or bridesmaid.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
My best friend is getting married in california (I'm in SD) over a year from now and I am already making plans to be able to attend. I wouldn't miss it for anything.
Are you in the wedding?
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I see this friendship dying. They have been living together for years and this wedding has been on the books for a year, yet her bff cant save to travel? She should talk it over with her, but not have any high hopes for this friendship lasting very long after.
That's why I think it is more to do with the bride failing to ask her BFF to be her maid of honor or bridesmaid.
It is crazy tho. She is not having bridesmaids cuz then it would be double the cost for the bridesmaids and she doesnt wanna do that. She wants her girlfriend to spend less money so she can be there, rather than double the money and have her stand as bridesmaid. The girlfriend is being ridiculously petty and jealous. Sometimes it is hard to realize you invested more bff into a relationship than the other person. This is a case of one caring more than the other. I feel bad for the bride.
"Oh, gonna miss you, gotta go get my nails done. Later."
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
It is crazy tho. She is not having bridesmaids cuz then it would be double the cost for the bridesmaids and she doesnt wanna do that. She wants her girlfriend to spend less money so she can be there, rather than double the money and have her stand as bridesmaid. The girlfriend is being ridiculously petty and jealous. Sometimes it is hard to realize you invested more bff into a relationship than the other person. This is a case of one caring more than the other. I feel bad for the bride.
It doesn't have to be. If she had one attendant, she could wear any dress, really. And she could easily tell her not to bother with the normal stuff that she's cutting out by not having one.
Sorry - but you don't HAVE TO make a bridesmaid spend a fortune. The bride chose to make that decision on her own without discussing it with her best friend and that had to hurt. She probably feels it doesn't matter if she is there or not since she hasn't been important enough to be included.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Although, I did miss a couple of my best friends' weddings. Usually b/c of the timing. One changed her date b/c the planning was becoming such a headache with the in-laws that she just scheduled it simply with a dinner reception at a restaurant - while I was living in Japan. I couldn't get there. Another moved her date up 6 months b/c she found out she was pregnant and I was living out of state and couldn't get the time off work on that short notice. And another had her wedding in England shortly after I had DD12 - I wasn't flying that far with an infant, and I wasn't leaving her, either. It was not an issue with any of us.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
The more I think about this, the more I think BF is pissed off about being excluded over the cost without being consulted. That's probably the point she is trying to make while telling the LW she can't come b/c of financial reasons, but at the same time telling her about the things she is buying.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Not how I learned it.
I do think bf is mad about not being part of the wedding party as well. Too bad neither one feels as though the can bring the topic up. Have we taught everyone to be offended at everything that we can't even have civil conversations about what is bothering us?
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Not how I learned it. I do think bf is mad about not being part of the wedding party as well. Too bad neither one feels as though the can bring the topic up. Have we taught everyone to be offended at everything that we can't even have civil conversations about what is bothering us?
Huh? How is that possible? It comes from "a piece of one's mind". You don't have "a" peace.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
No wonder the bf doesn't feel comfortable talking to the lw. She probably figures she will be ripped a new one when the lw gives her a peace of her mind. 😂
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
No wonder the bf doesn't feel comfortable talking to the lw. She probably figures she will be ripped a new one when the lw gives her a peace of her mind. 😂
I don't see why, since peace of mind is serenity, quietude and the absence of mental stress.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I don't know that's she's mad because she's not a bridesmaid if no one is going to be one. I just think the friendship is running its course. It happens. My BFF is probably coming form Georgia for Mine and I went tonhers in July but if they couldn't afford to for whatever reason couldn't make it I'd understand.
I dunno. I dont' see it as an "oh you didn't ask me to be a Bridesmaid" thing. I think that she just doesn't feel the same leve of friendship towards the Bride as the bride does towards her.
One of Caitlyn's friends is getting married next year.
Caitlyn was upset about not being part of the wedding party for about an hour.
Then she realized she can just go, have fun, and celebrate the friends wedding without all the hassle.
She is actually quite happy about it.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
