DEAR AMY: My husband and I have been married for four years. Lately, I’ve noticed that I’ll enter a room and remark about something I’d love to do that day, and he ignores me. I don’t get a head nod, grunt or eye contact. Oftentimes he’s checking social media, and he’ll say, after an awkward three minutes of silence, “Sorry, I was just reading something.” I certainly don’t need to be acknowledged all the time, nor does the room have to be filled with active conversation, but I find this silence disrespectful. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he brushes it off as simply, “I didn’t think I needed to answer,” or worse, “What do you want me to say?” Am I being too sensitive?
Talking to Walls in Ottawa
DEAR TALKING TO WALLS: Your husband is demonstrating the smartphone pause. This is the slack-faced absorption of someone who is so deeply engaged and distracted by his device, that he forgets he’s in the real world.
But when you walk into a room and he is basically doing something else, aren’t you in some sense interrupting him, and wouldn’t it be most respectful for you to wait until he is done?
Regardless of the specific dynamic, after four years of marriage, it would be a good idea for the two of you to remind each other that if you don’t make a point of engaging one another in a loving and enthusiastic way, you could end up basically navigating around each other in silence.
I read a study showing that the typical married couple actually spends a shockingly brief time making eye contact each day. Sometimes, proximity breeds contempt. Much of the time, it breeds ... meh.
Eye contact, polite greetings and expressions of enthusiasm are everyday ways that you both can actively participate in your relationship and help to keep it fresh.
Demonstrate your values by always greeting him in the way you want to be greeted.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Is this akin to the newspaper pause? You know when our fathers stuck their noses in the newspaper to read it, ignoring everything else going on? Because that is what this guy is doing. I am not excusing the behavior, just noting that regardless of media type, this behavior has been around a long time, it isn't the smart phone, it's the person.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Shouldn't you actually get their attention first before starting a conversation? If I'm reading something, I'm likely to not even realize you are talking to me.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Am I understanding this correctly: he's alone in a room reading something on his smartphone. She walks in and just starts talking. And is annoyed that he doesn't drop what he's doing immediately. It's not like they are having a conversation and he's focused on his phone. She is being way too sensitive about this. If she wants to have a conversation with him fine, but she needs to recognize she is interrupting what he is doing. Whether she thinks that task is important is not relevant.
I at times wish the smart phone or even any portable phone was never invented. It is a great invention that is so abused, at least to me. I get so sick of seeing parents never looking up from their phone to even acknowledge their children's existence. I've seen families come into a restaurant and both of the parents doing nothing but texting the whole time they are there.
