DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my boyfriend, “Jake,” for two years. We are both 32.
Since the beginning, his sister, “Michelle” (who is 26), has never liked me. Jake admits there’s no reason for it. He thinks she’s just looking out for him because he’s had bad relationships in the past.
Michelle makes me very uncomfortable during family events by making rude comments, and she makes a point of excluding me from any event she is hosting. She has told people that I “shoved her” and accuses me of refusing to let her talk to her brother. Neither is true.
I have asked Jake to ask his sister to apologize and make amends, but he insists she’ll do it when “hell freezes over.” He thinks I should try to make amends even though I have never done anything wrong. I’m at a loss. I don’t think I should apologize for something I’ve never done.
Abby, she has belittled me in any encounter we’ve had. The rest of the family shrugs and says, “That’s just the way she is.”
Michelle has never liked any of Jake’s girlfriends, so this seems to be a pattern for her. I’m afraid it will eventually lead to the end of Jake’s and my relationship.
I love him very much, and I wish he could see my side on this. Could you please give me some advice, Abby? — NOT MY FAULT IN ALBERTA, CANADA
DEAR NOT MY FAULT: Michelle’s fixation on her brother isn’t normal or healthy. That Jake has been willing to tolerate it and not warn her to knock it off means that as long as you are with him, you will be subjected to her mistreatment.
You may love Jake, but as long as he is under the thumb of his jealous and possessive sister, you will continue to be abused and maligned. My advice is to cut your losses.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
She needs to have a chat with Jake. Are you going to confront her or not? If he does, she might shut up for awhile but most likely, she will continue with passive aggressive mean girl eye rolling, huffing, etc. It is very easy to be nasty to someone and not say a word. So, most likely she's just a mean beitch and Jake deals with it by ignoring her. So, she then she needs to decide if she wants to confront her as well and most likely she will get the same response. But, it's worth trying. Ultimately she has to decide, is this something she can live with or not? If not, then by all means, move on.
The first time this behavior started 2 years ago was the time for LW to stand up for herself.
She is being treated the way she is allowing them to treat her.
You want it to stop? Stop allowing it.
If that means telling the sister off, or breaking up with the boyfriend, or whatever.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Is the sister of vital importance? No. So, you just say as a couple that until and unless she can be civil, that both of you aren't going to be around here. And, then stick to that. If she agrees, then starts acting out, then leave.
My DH is non confrontational. His family was mean to me. I talked to him in private and gave him the choice of doing something, or letting me do something. He stepped up. It did no good, so ultimately we decided to stay away. Or at least I decided to stay away, he is free to visit as he pleases. He hasn't, whether it's because he is standing by me, or because he doesn't want to face them alone and have to explain my absence. Probably more of the latter. Either way, my only concern is whether he will one day regret not seeing his father one last time before he dies.
I think the fact that he wants his girlfriend to make amends, rather than putting equal (or more) blame on his sister, is very telling.
I dont know. We all have our issues. If u are only gonna see her 2x a year or something maybe it isnt a high priority. Just tell her to F off when you have to interact with her . Lol
I dont know. We all have our issues. If u are only gonna see her 2x a year or something maybe it isnt a high priority. Just tell her to F off when you have to interact with her . Lol
It's not really about her. It's about a failing in him.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
My mother in law hated me. Hubby was indeed a momma's boy and he always had a hard time trying to placate the two of us. Finally he chose me over her and he had it out with her, but in truth, the hate didnt stop till the day she died. I am glad I stuck it out, but it is not a glamorous journey. I would tell her that unless the two of them make the perfect soulmates, she should cut her losses if he cant take a stand for her. A REAL stand.
