DEAR ABBY: I’m about to get custody of my daughter after four years, so I’m a little out of the parenting etiquette loop.
A friend of mine has a daughter, “Autumn,” who is an absolute terror and a bully. The girl has been rude to my daughter during the times she has visited.
I know I won’t be able to avoid social functions because Autumn’s family is always invited to a mutual friend’s events. My daughter wants nothing to do with her, and I don’t know how to easily avoid play dates. Please advise. — PERPLEXED IN THE WEST
DEAR PERPLEXED: Talk to Autumn’s parents about her behavior, so it can be corrected. If you are worried about your daughter having to interact with the girl, suggest that she socialize with the other children at the event and stay out of Autumn’s way.
If the girl acts out against your daughter, tell your child she is welcome to come and spend some time with you. While you can’t completely insulate her from unpleasant peers, this may lessen the pain.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well, I would tell the truth when declining a playdate. "That's not going to work. Your daughter doesn't seem to like mine, so I don't think they should play together." When they gush, oh no, that's not true, she loves her, it gives the perfect opportunity to address the bully issue, taking the brunt as the parent - you are not going to put your child in a position to be bullied, and that you have observed Autumn's behavior yourself. Try to keep the daughter out of the discussion other than as the object of mistreatment. Don't state her preferences, or her feelings, only your observations and decision as a parent.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
If it involves other kids, then teach the daughter how to stand up for herself.
You can't go through life just avoiding everyone that is mean, you have to learn how to deal with it.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Unless this girl goes to the same school, there is no reason she needs to interact with her. I would decline any invites where Autumn would be present. And I would let my friends know why, in a tactful way.
Unless this girl goes to the same school, there is no reason she needs to interact with her. I would decline any invites where Autumn would be present. And I would let my friends know why, in a tactful way.
She shouldn't socially isolate herself becasue of Autumn's behavior. She is the victim and deserves to attend the events she wants to attend. She should learn to stand up to it and deal with it when it happens.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Yes, she should. If she wants to go but doesn't want anything to do with Autumn, then great, go. But if she doesn't want to attend, why force her? There should be plenty of other parties and events she can attend.
I wouldn't force her to go if she didn't want to. But I wouldn't let Autumn be the reason she stayed home. Letting the bully win doesn't help. You need to learn to fight for yourself.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
My daughter has been in this situation. One of the girls on the team has been a nasty beitch to my daughter since 4th grade. I think it all peaked in 7th grade and now in 9th grade, my daughter has no problem handing her. DD understood that if she wanted to play basketball, that unfortunately, this girl was part of the landscape. Which means a lot of time spent with the team was going to include her. That she would have to deal with her at parties, sleepovers, events, games, etc. However, she didn't have to go out of her way to spend time with her either. And, there were times she didn't go to things because she just wasn't up for dealing with her nonsense. In 7th grade , DD expanded her circle of friends. And, all the girls were getting other interests besides just basketball. Some of them play volleyball or are in the band, etc. So, at this point, she sees her at basketball season. And, she sees her at assorted birthday parties, graduations, etc. But, they pretty much don't interact that much anymore.
