TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Dear Abby: my husband controls my hair and dress

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

He didn't forgive you - he's been punishing you for years. It's time to start an escape plan - hoard money, and start working on some job skills.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Wow that's really sad. If you're not going to forgive, let her go. I can't imagine he's very happy with this arrangement either. They are both wasting their lives and love away.

Lindley · Guru

They should have sought counseling as soon as the affair was discovered. At least the husband would have been given help in how to deal with his hurt and anger over the affair. Maybe the husband was like this before.

TrudyML · Guru

That is scary. Yikes

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Why does she continue to allow herself to be treated like that?

NAOW · Vette's SS

YIKES! They both need serious help.

Riding · Guru

this is crazy....I hope she calls that number and sees what has been going on and gets out soon!

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Unless he drags her kicking & screaming to the barber shop she is complicit in this nightmare. Just don't get your haircut. Buy new clothes unless he has taken her car away which it doesn't sound like because she mentions going out in public & friends.

I agree with hoarding money & making a plan to get out.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Lexxy wrote:
Unless he drags her kicking & screaming to the barber shop she is complicit in this nightmare. Just don't get your haircut. Buy new clothes unless he has taken her car away which it doesn't sound like because she mentions going out in public & friends.

I agree with hoarding money & making a plan to get out.

I think it's a safe bet that he controls her spending even if she has a car to get there. Financial abuse?

But yea, she should definitely stop letting him cut her hair.

-- Edited by NAOW on Wednesday 12th of October 2016 10:49:57 AM

Ohfour · Hooker

Some of you know my backstory, some don't...but this is exactly what happened to me. Except we weren't married (yet) and I "cheated" on him in HS. I fell into that trap. I was able to keep my long hair, but I couldn't do anything with it style wise. I could not wear makeup. I could ONLY wear sweatpants and baggy sweatshirts that he picked out. It was horrible. I finally left and he...ahem..."changed", so I went back. Dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Was married to that fvcker for 15 years.

I don't even know who that person was that was living inside my head. I am the complete opposite of that now. This guy is NOT going to change. She needs to get out. NOW.

TrudyML · Guru

*hugs*

Cheerios4606 · Guru

SOOOOo glad to hear you got out of that Ohfour! Ugh. Why do us women do this to ourselves? I know I changed and changed and changed to make my first husband happy and he was never satisfied. Reading the letter my first thought was that this was a woman from India or some other foreign place. But now I see this happens on a much broader scale. I agree with LL. She needs to start hoarding and getting some skills for her exit strategy.

FNW · Guru

I did some stupid things and allowed stupid things all in the name of "love." I get it, ohfour. I am glad you rose above.

Funny thing...I was sitting around with my cousins this weekend and they asked if I discussed with DH before cutting my hair off. I said, "no friggin way!" They seemed shocked. I said he's not my stylist. Sheesh. Then again, I did have short hair when we met and got married.

I did ask my husband once if he thought I looked better with short or long hair. He said I looked great either way and it made no difference to him, whatever made me happier. I married a smart man.

When I was quite young I was involved with an abusive man who used to try (TRY) to tell me what lipstick color to wear, how to do my hair, makeup, etc. That didn't go over very well.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

She's an idiot.

She cheated on her husband, I can't feel sorry for her.

And then she let's this happen?

Why?

Guilt is a strong bondage, but to live with this for this long?

You're already looking like a man, grow some balls and change your life.

Ohfour · Hooker

lilyofcourse wrote:
She's an idiot.

She cheated on her husband, I can't feel sorry for her.

And then she let's this happen?

Why?

Guilt is a strong bondage, but to live with this for this long?

You're already looking like a man, grow some balls and change your life.

Hell, no wonder she cheated...People don't just become psycho...

Lindley · Guru

Yes she cheated and regretted it. How long should she have to suffer for it? Both of them should have sought counseling asap. The husband needs to forgive and quit punishing his wife and she needs to forgive herself and start standing up for herself.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Cheating is horrible. But in this instance, they supposedly "worked through it". She obviously felt guilt to go along with his decrees.

But don't pretend to forgive and punish your spouse forever.

His long time behavior is far worse than her one time transgression IMO.

Ohfour · Hooker

Lawyerlady wrote:
Cheating is horrible. But in this instance, they supposedly "worked through it". She obviously felt guilt to go along with his decrees.

But don't pretend to forgive and punish your spouse forever.

His long time behavior is far worse than her one time transgression IMO.

This. He is punishing her. It he feels he can't trust her, then he should have left. She should not be punished for the rest of her life...

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

There is NEVER a reason to cheat on your spouse.

Be the grown up and get divorced if you need to.

Or better yet, control yourself.

But supposedly they worked through it.

She is allowing him to treat her like that out of guilt.

So, do something about it.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse wrote:
There is NEVER a reason to cheat on your spouse.

Be the grown up and get divorced if you need to.

Or better yet, control yourself.

But supposedly they worked through it.

She is allowing him to treat her like that out of guilt.

So, do something about it.

No, there isn't. But it's done now. You can't change the past. Yes, she has allowed it out of guilt - but it has gotten past ridiculous, and he is an ASS of the first order to treat his wife like this.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

And she's a weak, poor excuse of a woman to allow it.

I'm not making excuses for him.

I'm questioning why she hasn't had a backbone to stand up for herself.

He's an ass, and she's allowed him to be one to her.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Lily, I have had that type of discussion with a few people some IRL & one on another board. It seems that unless you (or me) have lived through an abusive situation it is impossible to wrap your mind around why the abused party allowed it to happen. The best I can piece it together is that it is like boot camp where they tear you down little by little only they never build you back up. That is something the victim needs to do for themselves.

Cheerios4606 · Guru

I know in my case, it was little by little. It wasnt all at once like what we see in this letter.

vtveggie · Member

Cheating is repulsive but this.... I don't even know where to begin. He's mad. Really mad. If I were her I might begin with a chat. If that didn't help change things, I would just leave. She cheated so clearly she wasn't totally fulfilled by him. Life is too short for that ****.

FNW · Guru

Cheerios4606 wrote:
I know in my case, it was little by little. It wasnt all at once like what we see in this letter.

Same with mine. So gradual it's hard to recognize. Then all of the sudden, you wake up and realize what is going on. And they are good at manipulation.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Kick him on the testicles@

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lexxy wrote:
Lily, I have had that type of discussion with a few people some IRL & one on another board. It seems that unless you (or me) have lived through an abusive situation it is impossible to wrap your mind around why the abused party allowed it to happen. The best I can piece it together is that it is like boot camp where they tear you down little by little only they never build you back up. That is something the victim needs to do for themselves.

Maybe.

I think I'm jaded.

Had to be strong for so long, it's hard to imagine being in that place.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

She is a fool. At the beginning, she agree to this ridiculous arrangement. She allowed it. She should have never for one moment have gone along with it. The fact that she cheated doesn't mean she deserves to be treated like this. Not even for a moment.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Get out and get out now. Sue his arse for everything you can get.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Why is she going along with this? Nobody can MAKE me cut my hair or wear men's clothes? Stand up for yourself.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

She is obviously so overridden with guilt that she feels like she has to continue to make amends. And he is perpetuating that feeling in her.

Just writing this letter shows that she is starting to realize the situation is wrong and she obviously wants it to stop. She may be scared of him, or maybe she's scared he will tell the girls about what happened or something if she doesn't continue to follow along. I don't know

Divine Geek · Guru

FNW wrote:
Cheerios4606 wrote:
I know in my case, it was little by little. It wasnt all at once like what we see in this letter.
Same with mine. So gradual it's hard to recognize. Then all of the sudden, you wake up and realize what is going on. And they are good at manipulation.

Me too. I describe my relationship as being the lobster in the pot. It happens so gradually you don't realize the water is begining to boil around you. Until it's too late.

today at the gas stain I overheard part of the conversation the cashiers were having as I walked up. The one was clearly telling the other about her ex-boyfriend trying to isolate her. I told her "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I was in your place and I hope you got out. I know it's hard, but it's worth it". The girl thanked me with tears in her eyes.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Divine Geek wrote:
FNW wrote:
Cheerios4606 wrote:
I know in my case, it was little by little. It wasnt all at once like what we see in this letter.
Same with mine. So gradual it's hard to recognize. Then all of the sudden, you wake up and realize what is going on. And they are good at manipulation.
Me too. I describe my relationship as being the lobster in the pot. It happens so gradually you don't realize the water is begining to boil around you. Until it's too late.
today at the gas stain I overheard part of the conversation the cashiers were having as I walked up. The one was clearly telling the other about her ex-boyfriend trying to isolate her. I told her "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I was in your place and I hope you got out. I know it's hard, but it's worth it". The girl thanked me with tears in her eyes.

Sometimes it takes someone from the outside to tell you that you are not crazy, that it is over the top not normal behavior. The LW's husband clearly does not respect or trust his spouse and is doing nothing to try to get that trust and respect back. He is content publicly shaming her for the rest of their lives. The marriage is over and has been since he decided vendetta is better than respect.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Everyone makes mistakes in marriage and in life. So, if you want to have a happy marriage, then you forgive one another, daily. And, you put the past behind you and focus on today and tomorrow. Or, you need to end the marriage. Yes, she transgressed, but i have a feeling he wasn't exactly a Saint either. If she apologized and he wanted to continue the marriage, then you go forward and with a clean slate. If not, it won't work. She probably went along with this thinking she deserved to be punished and that maybe that would appease him somehow. Well, it hasn't so wake up.