Dear Amy: My daughter just started college. While in high school she had some friends, but she never seemed to get very close to them or trust them very much.
She has a boyfriend, and they are very close, but now that she’s in college she lives 4½ hours away from him and us.
She was bullied in middle school, which I think is the main reason she has trouble socializing.
She’s a very beautiful girl and has always dreamed of going to college, living in a dorm, joining a sorority and making lots of friends. Basically, she wants to start over.
She did the sorority rush and was accepted by five sororities, and then she was eliminated one by one. The sorority that ultimately picked her is one she doesn’t like.
She has a few days to decide if she wants to stay in or get out.
If she gets out she has to wait until next fall to rush again, but she is afraid that she might not get picked at all.
If she stays in she can never rush again.
She thinks that without being in a sorority, she won’t make friends.
We’ve gone over all her pros and cons, and every time I think she’s figured it out she jumps back a step and gets very upset again.
Can you give me some motherly and professional advice? I can’t stand to see her hurting so badly.
Sorority Rush
Sorority Rush: College presents a wonderful opportunity for your daughter to re-narrate her story and start fresh.
But — here’s the thing. Wherever you go in life, there you are, carrying the same insecurities and personal challenges you’ve always had.
Your daughter will not truly start fresh until she is able to shed some of her trust issues and insecurities. She also needs the spine to handle uncertainty and rejection.
Her choice now reveals an unfortunate negative lesson from her middle-school experience: She is prejudging these organizations and the women in them based on almost no information.
This system of rushing and rejecting is tailor-made to make your daughter feel worse about herself. College should be about expanding one’s views, not shrinking them to fit into a narrow mold.
Because this dynamic is already causing her so much angst, I’d discourage her from the whole sorority merry-go-round. There are countless other ways to meet and make friends in college. Otherwise, I would urge her to accept the invitation she’s been offered, but only if she can shake this sensation of feeling like a loser at the same time she is being offered the prize of inclusion.
I would also — very seriously — encourage her to visit the campus counseling center.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Accept the invitation and be happy about it. You can always leave if you really don't like it later. The others have already rejected you - they are not going to change their mind next year.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Accept the invitation and be happy about it. You can always leave if you really don't like it later. The others have already rejected you - they are not going to change their mind next year.
Yep. DSD joined a Sorority and it was the best thing that ever happened to her. Go for it, and if you don't like it, it's not like you are forced to stay...
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
They do SOOO much good! The amount of money they raise each year for their charitable organization is unbelievable (and they have to have one). They also get "perks" that non-sorority members do not get.
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I had no clue about sororities when i went to college. Guess i thought they were just for Valley Girls or something lol. Now, I do think there would be some nice benefits to joining one. So, i would neither encourage or discourage it with DD, just present it as an option and she can make up her own mind.
As for the LW, i think she should go ahead and join. Dance with the One who Brung You is sage advice. They WANT her and they choose her. Why do you want to go back next year and try to get in when they didn't want you the first time around? Most likely, they will remember they didn't accept her last year and they will have a new crop of girls to choose from and they aren't going to pick her. So, try it. If you don't like it, then quit. No biggie. Go in with an open mind and maybe she will meet some good friends.
