Dear Carolyn: So we’re moving out of state, have to leave our house a week before school ends, but Mom had said we could stay with her for that week. Now, she says she can’t handle it. (To be fair we’re two adults, two kids, two dogs and a cat.) So we’re scrambling to place the animals and pay for a hotel.
On the one hand, this is classic Mom, yanking help at the last minute to leave us hanging. On the other hand — even our nanny has offered us her place, and neighbors have offered their basements. So I can’t decide if I’m mad at my mom, or just grateful to have another Mom story to trot out at parties. And she hasn’t called since then — so should I call and let her off the hook? — Mom flaked
Dear Flaked: One key word: “classic.”
One new mantra: I can’t lean on Mom. I can’t lean on Mom. I can’t lean on Mom.
She apparently wants to be the person you lean on, and therefore makes the offer — but offering is easy. Following through requires resources that she apparently doesn’t have.
A mother’s failings always feel personal to a child, but that doesn’t mean they actually are. For every argument you can make that not wanting you and your kids in her house is as personal as it gets, I can counter with an argument that when anyone talks a generous game but doesn’t come through, it’s always about her — specifically, her need to appear the hero and her shortage of character when it comes to the messy work of actually being one.
I wouldn’t say this, of course, if she “yanked help” just this once (and didn’t go silent on you).
But since she has, some of the responsibility falls on you here, for taking part in the series of choices that, predictably, becomes another Mom story.
That’s one of a few reasons you ought to call her. By the time this sees publication, your limbo will be over, right? So use that to view the whole thing as past, done, forgiven.
Then, work on the future: Say to Mom that while you appreciate her impulse to help out, you and she both need to get better at recognizing what will push her in over her head.
And when she keeps making offers to help anyway, recognize the pattern you’re both in, and break it. “No, Mom, but thank you for offering.” As in: Stop setting her up, or letting her set herself up, for these ritual failures.
There’s also no need for you to “decide” on one feeling. If we don’t allow ourselves multiple, confusing, even conflicting feelings about our mothers, then how else do we learn to deal with people when the going gets gray?olyn
Ok, so now she realized maybe it's too much for her. So, by all means, take great offense. Decide she is just a selfish beitch who was never there for you. Be angry and hold a grudge for the rest of your life and to Thanksgiving dinner with a bug up your butt and a lot of self induced angst.
Or......get a hotel and board your pets. Seriously, i believe people really want to feel annoyed, offended and pissed off a lot more than they ever just want to live life and be happy.
Yeah, "classic mom" sounds like the LW keeps quite of a list of the supposed "offenses". Nice. I guess "honoring your mother and father " is just a suggestion nowadays.
Is there a point where Adult Children actually recognize that their parents are human beings? And flawed ones that? That our parents also had their own quirks, feelings and issues? I thought that part of becoming an adult was to recognize this? And, there were times my mom and I didn't see eye to eye. And, then when she really began aging, there were things that would be unreasonable for me to ask her to do. She watched my youngest son but she simply could not baby sit her to the extent that she did my sons. Maybe i should whine that that was 'unfair" to my kids, blah, blah. But she had declined in her health.
If the LW can afford a nanny she can afford a hotel for a week and board the pets.
I have noticed that people use the words nanny and babysitter interchangeably these days. MyDD babysat 2 kids this summer and the family called her the nanny. She was there 4 hours a day, 3 days a week. I wouldn't assume these people are rich just because they use the word nanny.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
You know, I would be kind of pissy too if I made arrangements to move in temporarily with Mom for a week and then she bails on me in what sounds like at the last minute. If I knew ahead of time that Mom could not handle it, I would have made other arrangements whether it be a hotel or with friends. It does not sound like it is the ability to afford it but the last minute cancellation of Mom that is the annoyance.
You know, I would be kind of pissy too if I made arrangements to move in temporarily with Mom for a week and then she bails on me in what sounds like at the last minute. If I knew ahead of time that Mom could not handle it, I would have made other arrangements whether it be a hotel or with friends. It does not sound like it is the ability to afford it but the last minute cancellation of Mom that is the annoyance.
This is what I think, too. You don't invite people and then cancel on them at the last minute. Mom was rude and inconsiderate.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I agree with the last few posters. It's would be inconvenient and annoying to have to find a place to stay for your family and pets at the last minute. Yea. It would be inconvenient to the mom to host them, but then she shouldn't have offered in the first place. But if this is a common occurrence with the mom then LW needs to stop relying on mom.
Here, you cannot find someone to board your pets within a week. They fill up weeks in advance.
Petty nonsense all around. Mom, don't make offers you can't keep. Daughter, chill and pitch a tent.
It's not petty if mom has a history of promising things and then backing out. It's frustrating and it hurts. Yes, you move on and don't let it break you but it still sucks. My MIL was JUST like this. She would promise to watch the kids (ask me to!) and then back out last minute, she would tell DH she was going to pay for his books for a semester (a lot of money to us back then) and then she would back out when the time came leaving him short. We learned not to count on her for anything. No matter what. Eventually we cut her out of our lives completely for a host of other reasons. But at one point we had to teach our kids not to count on anything she said. That's sad.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
They, obviously, know they can't count on the mom, for whatever reason.
They should have planned better.
And that means not depending on someone who has a history of letting you down.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
They, obviously, know they can't count on the mom, for whatever reason.
They should have planned better.
And that means not depending on someone who has a history of letting you down.
The problem with not depending on a parent who has a history of letting you down is that there is always a small place in your heart hoping that this will be the time that they actually follow thru on their word. 😕
Petty nonsense all around. Mom, don't make offers you can't keep. Daughter, chill and pitch a tent.
It's not petty if mom has a history of promising things and then backing out. It's frustrating and it hurts. Yes, you move on and don't let it break you but it still sucks. My MIL was JUST like this. She would promise to watch the kids (ask me to!) and then back out last minute, she would tell DH she was going to pay for his books for a semester (a lot of money to us back then) and then she would back out when the time came leaving him short. We learned not to count on her for anything. No matter what. Eventually we cut her out of our lives completely for a host of other reasons. But at one point we had to teach our kids not to count on anything she said. That's sad.
I'm sorry that your mil treated your DH that way. It hurts when those who are supposed to love and care about you to always let you down. Mm, your husband now has a family who loves him and cares about him. Your mil is the real losers in this situation.
Why do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Because she is her mother and even though mentally she knows her mother isn't dependable but there is always a little hope the mom will be there for her. It's easier when it is a so called friend and some cases a spouse but the hardest rejection is from a mother.
Why do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome?
Because there is a small, irrational, emotional part that hopes one of these times, the person will realize how much their selfishness hurts you and change. It never happens, but you keep trying. You want it so much it hurts.
Eventually you reach your breaking point and stop trying. But that takes a while.
They, obviously, know they can't count on the mom, for whatever reason.
They should have planned better.
And that means not depending on someone who has a history of letting you down.
The problem with not depending on a parent who has a history of letting you down is that there is always a small place in your heart hoping that this will be the time that they actually follow thru on their word. 😕
Not to mention, if you are moving out of state, you would think your mother would want to spend that last week with you before you were gone.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Because she is her mother and even though mentally she knows her mother isn't dependable but there is always a little hope the mom will be there for her. It's easier when it is a so called friend and some cases a spouse but the hardest rejection is from a mother.
This. A thousand times this.
When you realize your own parent can't be trusted, it's a rejection unlike no other. Even though it's the parent with the issue, it feels like the parent is rejecting the child. No one wants to believe their parent is garbage - no matter how many times that parent has proved it.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Not following through with plans does not make a person garbage.
It makes them unreliable.
Beating, neglecting needs, allowing the child to be used as perverse entertainment makes a person garbage.
Abortion makes a person garbage.
Saying you can stay with me and then reneging on the offer is more along the lines of unreliable.
Yes, yes. I know. Some people just suck.
But an adult with a spouse, 2 kids, and 3 animals should know ahead of time their parent is unreliable and make the proper arrangements.
No matter how badly you want mom to change, she wont.
You knew this, you knew there was a huge chance of this happening, so prepare for it and move on.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Exactly. The LW said "oh CLASSIC mom" so it obviously moving in with a family and 3 pets is a big imposition on anyone. Go cry to your nanny. Geez. There are a lot of ways to "be there for someone".
Honestly, i just can't waste a lot of my time, energy and emotion into Angst. I just don't have it in me to go about feeling annoyed, pissed off, or holding some grudge every day. I just can't. It takes too much energy. It's exhausting. If people want to be pissed, offended, angry, feel entitled or whatever, then be my guest. People are gonna just do whatever they do. I can either make an adjustment that makes my life easier or i can sit and stew about it. I would simply go get a hotel and board my pets or whatever and be over it. I just can't drain my emotional bank with a lot of nonsense.
I ran into an acquaintance the other day. She proceeded to tell me in great detail about her mom's estate and all the fighting between the siblings, etc. My head was spinning. I just don't play. I don't do drama with other people. She is the Executor. I told her, they are gonna be pissed at you no matter what you do, so just do whatever you think is right and that's the end of it! I just can't even go on and on and on with people ! Lol
But if its typical for mom to back out last minute, the only one to blame is the LW.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
This is an adult with a family, how on earth would you not know it would be an imposition?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
But if its typical for mom to back out last minute, the only one to blame is the LW.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
This is an adult with a family, how on earth would you not know it would be an imposition?
Seriously? This coming from you? The "family is everything" one that always says how we have to do everything for family?
You don't visit family and stay with them? You don't have family visit and stay with you?
And again- they probably thought it would be different since they are MOVING AWAY, and thought maybe mom would like to spend time with her grandkids before they leave.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Just because I would do something doesn't mean another would.
And are you REALLY going to attempt to put this on me?
It's flippin letter in an advice column!
Get a grip.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I go thru this with my father. I rarely ask for help but when I do dog gonit, I expect to get a little help. AFter all, he is ALWAYS doling out help to my ever irresponsible sister, therefore he should jump at the chance to help me whenever I ask for it. Right? RIGHT?
:sigh:
Ok ok, I did ramp up the drama a little bit in this, but deep down in the very small recesses of my mind, I do feel like this sometimes. I have been a good girl but always seem to get the short end when I ask for help. The answer to this that finally allowed me to have peace with this is to realize I need to lower my expectations. I need to stop expecting 'fair' cuz that path will not serve me well. If I expect 'fair', I will continuously be battling hurt feelings and resent my dad every time he fails to come through on what I think he should be doing. Feeling hurt is not the path I want. So, instead I admit the fact that I need to stop expecting him to do what I believe is correct. I work around that and place more realistic expectations on the situation, work the problem out elsewhere, and in the end everyone is happy. I dont resent dad for not coming through on something cuz I never asked him. THIS path serves me well.
I am very happy that my mom or dad would do anything in their power to help me if I needed it. I would also do the same for my daughter so I just don't understand this mindset. I guess if they were like this LW's mom I'd be used to it by now. Life is never fair so I would learn to accept them as they are.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
I feel very lucky my parents also would step up and help whenever and however (and they have big time). My sister also. I have some other family members I had to lower my expectations of, like Cheerios said. I am the type that would drop everything and come running to help. I had to accept that they didn't feel the same way and never would. They they would never go out of their way for me.
Well, if your MOM can't have you stay at her house for a week before you leave the state and move away - then I feel sorry for the letter writer b/c that's a crappy mom. Even if they are complete azzhats.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
