Dear Carolyn: In May, my husband finishes a graduate program in a field he has decided he does not enjoy. He would like to start a gardening business, work he loves and is very good at. I want to be supportive, and I would never want to subject him to a career he finds unsatisfying. However, I also think this is a terrible time to start up a business, especially a luxury like gardening.
I have been the main breadwinner for the years he’s been in school, and I was looking forward to some assistance. Oh, yeah, and there are those student loans . . .
When I raise these concerns, he feels I am being dismissive of his dream. I think I am being practical. How can I be both supportive and realistic?
The Gardener’s Wife
The Gardener’s Wife: The responsibility to be supportive and realistic isn’t yours alone. He, too, needs to be realistic about his plans, and supportive of your needs.
Unfortunately, I have only your attention, so my telling you of his responsibility is a micro-version of declaring that everyone should recycle: all duh, no action.
Still, it’s something for you to keep in mind. It’s not about what he owes you, or what you owe him, it’s about what you both owe each other. Please start there when you reopen the topic. In the midst of an emotional discussion, it helps to have such an anchor in mind.
It also gives you a healthy angle from which to approach his you-pooh-poohed-my-dream complaint. How, exactly, do you approach your own dreams? Do you think you get the last word on the way you pursue them, or does the marriage have final say? If it’s the former, then reconsider his leeway accordingly. And if you’re no more restrictive of his dreams than you are of your own, then say so.
Obviously you both want his dreams to come true with steady income included. Since you’ve both probably heard “Don’t quit your day job” about 700 times like the rest of us, you both also know he could train or moonlight his way into this dream career gradually. So the question becomes: Who’s ruling out that option?
The one who won’t consider it is the one who’s being unfair. He needs to pursue his interests with an eye to yours, as you pursue your own interests with an eye to his. It’s not unsupportive to spell that out.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I've seen that, too. But I've seen both ends of the spectrum. A guy I went to law school with put himself through school while working in accounting. (He already had an MBA). After graduating, passing the bar, and practicing briefly, he ended up putting his license on inactive and returned to the world of accounting. A decision he has never regretted. Likewise for his wife. (They met and married while in law school). She returned to her field of psychology.
Then there was my sociopath friend (RIP). He spent 10 years of his marriage in school, finally earning a degree as a nurse anesthetist. Then it came time to work, but he couldn't seem to hold down a job. So after his wife gave him the boot, he sought out wealthy women who could/would support him.
I'm not sure where the LW's husband falls. He wants to be a gardener. Okay.....she thinks this is a luxury business. In my area, 90% of the 'hoods have a gardener. It's not as much a luxury as it is a necessity for those working full-time. Could he not start out at a local but major landscaping company and gain some experience, evaluate the climate of the field, and go from there? Perhaps start there part-time and obtain a full-time job in his lucrative but unfulfilling field so he can start paying down his loans.
Either way wifey is not pleased, and rightfully so. But perhaps he doesn't see the selfishness of his request and the potential for compromise.
You dont just fall into self employment. I am self employed with a S corp. I was an employee for years. But i saved money and lived below my means. Then the opportunity arose to be self employed and i was positioned to do so. I also spent the first year working extra jobs until my S corp got off the ground. Sorry he hasn't paid his dues.
What is to say the guy goes into the landscaping business and then suddenly realizes that isnt his bag either? ugh. You know what folks, the worst advise I have ever heard is to "Follow your passion". Why? cuz just because you really really love something does NOT mean you are good enough at it that it offers value to others that want it from you.
This guy should at least attempt to use his degree in some sort of capacity with landscaping, even if it is a small bit part job.
He needs to use his degree to get a full time job in that field and then start a small gardening business part time during his off hours until his loans are paid down and his garden business builds up. Will it be hard? You bet! But if it's his passion, he will find a way.
He needs to use his degree to get a full time job in that field and then start a small gardening business part time during his off hours until his loans are paid down and his garden business builds up. Will it be hard? You bet! But if it's his passion, he will find a way.
He needs to use his degree to get a full time job in that field and then start a small gardening business part time during his off hours until his loans are paid down and his garden business builds up. Will it be hard? You bet! But if it's his passion, he will find a way.
Exactly. That is exactly how he should do it.
Yep.
DH has a side business and is just waiting to quit his day job, but we put conditions on it. We have to have certain things paid off and so much in savings before he can.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Does anybody REALLY want to work? And yet, we continue to do so. Because that is how one manages to live. If she has supported him all through school, then I feel like he DOES have an obligation to her. An obligation to actually use that degree to better the family, even if it isn't his 'passion'. Selfish bastard. (Admittedly, I am biased. My X used to make sure I knew that *I* was the reason he never fulfilled any of his "dreams". Not that his "dreams" were unrealistic--just me being a bitch).
What is to say the guy goes into the landscaping business and then suddenly realizes that isnt his bag either? ugh. You know what folks, the worst advise I have ever heard is to "Follow your passion". Why? cuz just because you really really love something does NOT mean you are good enough at it that it offers value to others that want it from you.
This guy should at least attempt to use his degree in some sort of capacity with landscaping, even if it is a small bit part job.
I agree with this. He should pursue a career in his degrees, at least pay off the loans, and have a side business to build up a landscaping business and to test the waters if he wants to go into that business. Safest, most logical, and most fair choice.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
