Dear Carolyn: My father turns 90 in a few months. Over the past 10 years he has refused to attend any weddings, graduations or other celebrations. He does go to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter -- although he seems to have lost his filter between his brain and his mouth and frequently says upsetting things to family members. For example, my niece was going through chemotherapy and was wearing a scarf, and my father mocked her bare head. When we reminded him that she had cancer he lashed out that he can’t be expected to remember everything. He never apologized.
I make an effort to see the good in my father and I know aging isn’t easy for anybody. But younger relatives have no patience for him and every time I suggest a party for him, it goes over like a lead balloon. I understand he is difficult and prone to outbursts, but the man is 90 and I still think he deserves our respect. Where do I go from here? — Child of Difficult Father
Dear Child of Difficult Father: Please consider going to a broader definition of “respect” than the one you’re using now. Your dad avoids big gatherings! Except the familiar ones, apparently -- and it makes sense, since even people at peak health can be daunted by them.
There are beautiful ways you can honor your dad that don’t involve a big party. Have everyone film themselves wishing him a happy birthday, for example, and compile these messages into a video using a format he knows, like a DVD. He can play it whenever he’s feeling down. A book of still photos would work, too. Present it at a gathering of manageable size.
You’ve got a great message -- now just keep going and think of a way he’d be most grateful to receive it.
Re: Difficult Father: The problem isn’t just that he hasn’t gone to anyone else’s parties; it’s that he’s been actively and unapologetically nasty. I wonder how willing the younger folks are to smile and say “happy birthday” on a video. — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: Well, it’s not either-or, it’s both.
And yes, his nastiness is of course a problem, but presumably these younger folks can grasp -- or be taught -- that age-related cognitive issues are the almost certain explanation for his difficult temperament; he has lost his filter, not failed ever to have one. It’s clear he was humiliated by his failure to grasp or recall what the head scarf was for.
So, if this were my father, I would have no problem saying to my kids that they needed to draw a big sign and hold it up for a camera, because a video compilation of birthday wishes would mean a lot to the man who raised me and whose world has closed in on him lately.
If they scoffed at that, then I’d say it would mean a lot to me, which I certainly hope would be good enough.
The lessons that need to be taught here -- about family and aging and the beauty of not bean-counting a relative’s worth -- are as valuable a purpose as the marking of the birthday itself. Please be flexible enough to find a way to make this birthday work.
The Bible says "Despise not thy mother when she is old'. And, at 90, it is very likely he has some cognitive brain issues. People who have been wonderful, kind people and never said Boo can start cursing like sailors and acting out in many ways that are uncharacteristic. And, you have to have some understanding that this is the Disease of organic brain syndrome and not something that is within someone's control.
This is also an opportunity to teach the family and younger generation how to Love someone that isn't being particularly lovable.
My mawmaw has gotten very curt in the last 2 years.
She's 86. She has never been one to sugar coat but, lately, she just says what she's thinking.
And most of the time, she's spot on.
Maybe before a get together, the LW could remind him of certain things.
Like niece is going through chemo and has lost her hair.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
We had a tree fall on the house and the insurance company paid for a great big dumpster to sit in our yard for the duration of the clean up and repair.
You know, it was amazing just what all was "destroyed" in that incident.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
She says he has "lost his filter" but she doesn't say if he was actually a nice person before. My great grandfather was a mean and nasty human being. And it had nothing to do with him being 90+, he was just a mean and nasty human being. But people who didn't know him well would try to excuse his behavior because he was old.
Sure, we all sucked it up and went to his party and fawned over him . . . because it was important to my grandpa. But the man couldn't even be bothered to remember which of his kids we belonged to, let alone learn our names.
I guess I was lucky. I never faced these problems with my family. Even my "bitchy" grandmother & I had a wonderful relationship because I took the time to get to know her and understand her. And she mellowed as she got older.
I think I would not expect the younger relatives to fawn over him. And I would brief dad before people came over so he would know the whats and whys, such as cousin Gertie is bald because she has cancer, or whatever. We used to brief my grandfather all the time. He felt like he was in on a secret and appreciated it. I miss that.
Perhaps he does not go to any family gatherings because he does not enjoy them - maybe he never did enjoy them, but feels he is old enough to do what he wants. Do not force gatherings on him; if he does not want to go what makes this person believe he wants to be the center of one???
But the comments about bald head, etc. are not to be tolerated. He needs to be chastised ( how about that for a word? ) for his comments. I doubt that he is slipping that much; just being ornery from time to time....
She says he has "lost his filter" but she doesn't say if he was actually a nice person before. My great grandfather was a mean and nasty human being. And it had nothing to do with him being 90+, he was just a mean and nasty human being. But people who didn't know him well would try to excuse his behavior because he was old.
Sure, we all sucked it up and went to his party and fawned over him . . . because it was important to my grandpa. But the man couldn't even be bothered to remember which of his kids we belonged to, let alone learn our names.
I had an Uncle who was just like that. He always wanted to give me bear hugs, which always resulted in my getting hurt, crying, and he would laugh. By the age of 10 I refused to go near him and my parents insisted because he was family and didn't mean anything bad by his behavior. Ummm yes he did, he was a drunken bully. At 12 I called him out on it and that was the last time my parents ever spoke of him again to me. I think it my actual statement to him was something along the lines of "keep the **** away from me you pervert"
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
So I think we are all saying the same thing; there are those that are just as mean in old age as they were when younger and those people need not to be respected with parties or attention, and then there are those that overcome with dementia or such that changed their personality for the bad. Those latter people deserve respect and understanding.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
