Deadbeat Dad Can't Be Depended on to Help Apply to College
Dec 31, 2016 - Letter 1 of 3
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Dear Abby
by Abigail Van Buren
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DEAR ABBY: My father was never very involved in my life. He had a successful career, but gave it up to pursue one he thought would be more enjoyable (movie producer), which meant he has a very unstable income. Our family has struggled with money ever since.
I heard recently that Dad was kicked out of his house, and I have no idea where he is now living. He has been doing drugs and other questionable things that are uncomfortable to hear about or to discuss with him.
I'm applying to colleges now and need money, so I feel obligated to keep in contact with him. That way, I can make him pay for some of the applications since Mom can't do it alone. I don't know what to do. Everyone I ask tells me to cut off contact with him, but I feel trapped. Thoughts? -- TRAPPED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TRAPPED: I'm sorry your father has been such a disappointment. But if you expect a drug-using, recently evicted deadbeat to fund any portion of your college education, you are dreaming. You should not feel you can depend upon him for anything.
My thought is that you should find a job ASAP to help you fund your college applications yourself, and make an appointment to talk with a counselor at your high school about this. I'm sure it won't be the first time he or she has heard about a predicament like yours, and perhaps he or she can suggest some scholarships or financial assistance for you. Your local library or the internet would be other good sources for researching what's available and if you qualify.
Read more in: Family & Parenting | Work & School | Money
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__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
So I do not understand the mindset that kids think that parents should have to pay for college. I know we have discussed this many times. but this VSS thinks her father should pay. Ummm No! If he can and wants to that is great, but beyond that if an adult, which she is, wants to go to college, find a different way.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
This is when the kid will learn the difference between want and need.
They may want him to pay, but they don't need him to payy.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Well good luck with that kid! He's "unstable" with no money or job. Face REALITY. Dad isn't going to pony up. So, go get a job and pony up yourself. And, you don't need to apply to 65 colleges. I only ever applied to ONE and got accepted. And, when i went to grad school, i applied to one. So, you don't need to apply everywhere. Plan where you want to go. Maybe 2 or 3 at most.
Unfortunately, FAFSA makes it EXTREMELY hard for kids to get assistance without input from both parents. Its ridiculous. At 18, you should be able to apply for loans without your parents income taken into consideration. I did not want my ex to know gow much money I made (we had absolute joint, no CS). A friend of DDs had to go through a **** ton of crap proving her father hadnt been in her life since she was a toddler and she had no idea where he was...
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
Well, the Stafford loan for the year barely cover even one semester's tuition. So you either have to pay cash or get one of those Parent Plus Loans which is a cosigned loan by the parent.
So, the reality for this kid is that maybe this kid needs to work for a few years. Or, join the military. Or consider some other schooling that isn't 4 years, etc. Get a real estate license, etc. Lots of ways to earn a living that doesnt necessarily require a 4 yr degree.
Early on, we told both kids that they would go to college and that they would be responsible for paying for it either by scholarship or work. Both earned partial scholarships they paid for the remainder with jobs and their savings. Both graduated debt free and with jobs in their field of study.
So let me see if I understand the letter writer...
Father isn't in her life
Father doesn't have a job
Father is a substance abuse
So the question is... is there any plausible way that you know of that I can have a small chance of squeezing some money out of him? Cuz I know he is a bit down on his lick, but I don't wanna hafta pay for my liberal arts major.
So my opinion is the FAFSA application should be abolished unless you are actually applying for financial aid. It is a stupid application that helps only those who can afford nothing. I also do not believe kids should expect their parents to pay for college, great if they can pay and do, but not a concrete yes that the parents must pay for college. If kids were only made to be more responsible there would not be all the bellyaching over the cost because kids wouldn't be able to take out the loans which make colleges raise the tuition. People are blind to why tuition is expensive, it's because college loans are so easy to come by and the colleges take advantage. Much like the housing bubble, make the money not so easy to come by and the tuition will come back down.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I didn't fill out the Fafsa. I just paid the tuition up front. My son is living at home and commuting but when he goes to Main Campus next year, then i he will be taking out loans for his final 2 years. My parents paid for my college, so i will help my kids as much as possible. However, they have to demonstrate they are responsible, do the work and help themselves for me to help them. I won't fund irreesponsibility.
But, i agree, if people would STOP mortgaging their homes to send junior to college, i believe the costs would come down. I don't believe a 4 yr degree is the Be all and end all. There are many careers that you can do that don't require college, there are certifications, you can join the military, get into the Electrical Union, do a 2 yr or technical degree and so forth. I won't fork over for a major that i consider has very low job prospects either. My kids cannot go to the "college of their choice". Sorry. You can go to a College in our State or if out of State, then there better be scholarships and grants to make it affordable. If not, no go or figure it our yourself.
Caitlyn has a degree or certificate, or whatever you call it, in cosmetology.
She is working at the Salvation Army making $10 an hour.
She pays her bills, and is training for a management position.
Jesse decided to wait a year before going to college.
He is working in retail, and has saved up a really nice savings account.
His plan is to pay as he goes and where he works helps pay for college courses.
He says he refuses to be in debt.
My brother was in his late 20's when he started college.
He got his 2 year, then his 4 year, then he had to stop for 2 years to pay down his debt, then went back for his Ph.D.
What I'm saying is, it doesn't always have to be right this second.
As long as you keep going forward.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I have nothing against a gap year to work and save money for college. Kid need to have some responsibility for it and if they are going to want money to spend during college for most things - they are going to need to supply it. However, to the best of our ability, we will pay for college provided they work or intern during the summers, and provided they are not those kids who go to college and blow off classes to party. However, what we can't pay for will need to be covered by them through loans or scholarships. I will not take out parent loans for them.
Jojo tried to tell me she wasn't going to college (talking to DN too much about not needing it). I told her if she didn't go to college, she'd need to start supporting herself as soon as she finished high school. She asked what that meant. I told her supporting her meant paying for her place to live, her food, and her clothes, and that she'd need to get a job, find an apartment, buy and cook her own food and pay for everything herself. But if she went to college, we would continue to provide her basic needs. She has decided college sounds good. She's a scary smart little 6 year old.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
If parents can afford to pay for college, they should help. But they shouldn't pay it all even if then can afford it. And if they aren't wealthy, then it's up to the kid(s) themselves.
Mommy and Daddy supported you for 18 years, Time to support yourself, and it's not like there aren't programs, loans, grants, and scholarships out there.
He is going on his stepdads something or other from being in the military.
Now, this has only been the stepdads for about 2 years, soooo, anyway.
That's covering a really big portion.
Then my brother and the mom is covering the rest.
This kid was raised by a woman who slept her way into company positions, cars, and bank accounts.
He had a job for 1 month this past summer, said it was too hard.
He mowed grass.
My brother is about to cut him off.
The kid just bleeds money and refuses to work.
It's ridiculous.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
When I graduated high school my mom refused to let me use her tax returns to apply for financial aid. Unfortunately that made it nearly impossible for me to go. I could have joined the military and the like but otherwise my only option would have been to get legally emancipated.
I think parents don't have to pay....but they should nit put road blocks in front of their kid either.
But, parents are on the hook. I really am against cosigning loans. When you cosign you are on the hook for those loans. They are your loans, not just your child's. I have a real issue with that. So, I will not sign those kinds of loans. At least, i haven't yet. I may have too when my son goes to main campus. And DD wants to be a Doctor so not sure how that would be funded. But Ita will have to see. However, everyone says "oh there are lots of loans for college". Yes, if your parents want to cosign and take responsibility for those, they can.
But, parents are on the hook. I really am against cosigning loans. When you cosign you are on the hook for those loans. They are your loans, not just your child's. I have a real issue with that. So, I will not sign those kinds of loans. At least, i haven't yet. I may have too when my son goes to main campus. And DD wants to be a Doctor so not sure how that would be funded. But Ita will have to see. However, everyone says "oh there are lots of loans for college". Yes, if your parents want to cosign and take responsibility for those, they can.
My mother never signed for anything on my loans. Yes, she had to provide her tax returns and help me with the FAFSA, but she did not ever have to sign on my school loans.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
DEAR TRAPPED: I'm sorry your father has been such a disappointment. But if you expect a drug-using, recently evicted deadbeat to fund any portion of your college education, you are dreaming. You should not feel you can depend upon him for anything.
Kid feels "obligated" to keep in touch with him? Doesn't he mean, he feels he should keep in touch with him because he wants something from him?
I agree with the advice given. As for responsibility? I never gave it a second thought to NOT pay for the boys' college. I guess it's not my responsibility, but I want to do whatever I can to help them become educated so that they can get good jobs and build a good life for themselves.
Kid feels "obligated" to keep in touch with him? Doesn't he mean, he feels he should keep in touch with him because he wants something from him?
I agree with the advice given. As for responsibility? I never gave it a second thought to NOT pay for the boys' college. I guess it's not my responsibility, but I want to do whatever I can to help them become educated so that they can get good jobs and build a good life for themselves.
But that doesn't mean they have to go to college. There are LOTS of well paying jobs that do not require a college degree. I think the push for college is out of control. Not everyone is college material.
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
But, parents are on the hook. I really am against cosigning loans. When you cosign you are on the hook for those loans. They are your loans, not just your child's. I have a real issue with that. So, I will not sign those kinds of loans. At least, i haven't yet. I may have too when my son goes to main campus. And DD wants to be a Doctor so not sure how that would be funded. But Ita will have to see. However, everyone says "oh there are lots of loans for college". Yes, if your parents want to cosign and take responsibility for those, they can.
My mother never signed for anything on my loans. Yes, she had to provide her tax returns and help me with the FAFSA, but she did not ever have to sign on my school loans.
The only loans presented to us was the Stafford loan which is soley on them and Parent Plus type loans. There were no other loans available for them to take out that didn't require a parent to cosign.
We paid for our kids college. We were blessed to have the means to pay for it. We did make our son work for a construction company for a summer and a semester to make sure he was ready and mature enough to go to the school out of state that he wanted to go to.
But, parents are on the hook. I really am against cosigning loans. When you cosign you are on the hook for those loans. They are your loans, not just your child's. I have a real issue with that. So, I will not sign those kinds of loans. At least, i haven't yet. I may have too when my son goes to main campus. And DD wants to be a Doctor so not sure how that would be funded. But Ita will have to see. However, everyone says "oh there are lots of loans for college". Yes, if your parents want to cosign and take responsibility for those, they can.
My mother never signed for anything on my loans. Yes, she had to provide her tax returns and help me with the FAFSA, but she did not ever have to sign on my school loans.
The only loans presented to us was the Stafford loan which is soley on them and Parent Plus type loans. There were no other loans available for them to take out that didn't require a parent to cosign.
There are loans available. But the biggest problem is that at 17/18/19 most kids do not have established credit to qualify.
Perkins loans are available to kids with higher financial loan needs.
The real problem comes in when parents can afford to pay for college, but won't, and financial aid takes their income into consideration to disqualify people, anyway.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Me thinks you a scary smart mom!
