Dear Amy: My husband’s brother and his wife just got divorced after 17 years of marriage and 25 years of being together.
They have three children, who are close cousins to my three children. All the children are under the age of 15. My children love their aunt and uncle, and consider her still their aunt, even though she is no longer married to their uncle. I too consider this woman my family, even though technically she is no longer my sister-in-law.
My daughter’s communion is this spring, and this woman is godmother to my little girl. Naturally I want to invite her to the church and dinner afterward, but my brother-in-law forbids it! My husband is inclined to side with his brother and say she is not welcome, and that I need to honor this since it is his family.
My daughter will feel terrible if her godmother is not welcome, and I am also fearful that the cousins will not come if their mother is not welcomed.
Am I wrong in thinking it is okay to invite her, even though they aren’t married anymore? Is my husband acting appropriately in telling me it is his call to decide?
We are now fighting over this and it isn’t pleasant for anyone.
What’s appropriate here?
Upset
Your husband and his brother have what could be called the primary relationship in this tough triangle. They grew up in the same household and have long-standing familial loyalties that your husband is anchoring to now. You can imagine that your husband is under some pressure from his brother regarding this event. Sibling loyalty (unfortunately) trumps your close relationship with your sister-in-law.
You can also imagine that, given the breakup of this marriage, she might not be ready to amicably attend a family event alongside her ex.
Because she is the child’s godmother, this is an issue you should take to clergy. You and your husband should ask for a meeting and attend together.
In my view, you should invite her, and the couple should work out between themselves who will attend.
You and your former sister-in-law should work hard to maintain your friendship and relationship, regardless of what happens with this event.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I disagree with Amy. The woman is the child's god-mother, it's her DUTY to be at the communion. That's what happens when you become a god-mother, you vow to God to help with the spiritual education of the child, helping raise them with God in their lives.
People who get married have intertwined their lives together in a way that cannot just be un-done, especially with family and children involved. He is the one that married her, now he needs to deal with the change that brought to his life FOREVER.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
The BIL can't "forbid" anything. However, this woman and her husband need to decide what the best approach is. She needs to have a frank discussion with her husband on how they will handle her as the godmother and aunt going forward.
After I left one of my exes, his family tried to have me removed as Godmother of my former nephew. I don't think they were ever successful. I don't know if he ever received his Sacraments, either. I chose not to be a part of that family's life, including the baby's.
Ordinarily I would say they invite both, and let them decide whether to attend or not. You can't control other people's actions, and you can't worry about it either. The only "problem" I see here is her relationship with her husband. If my DH didn't want to invite someone for whatever reason, I would respect his decision. My marriage trumps any friendship with the ex.
My guess is Godmother would not want to go anyway.
After I left one of my exes, his family tried to have me removed as Godmother of my former nephew. I don't think they were ever successful. I don't know if he ever received his Sacraments, either. I chose not to be a part of that family's life, including the baby's.
Ordinarily I would say they invite both, and let them decide whether to attend or not. You can't control other people's actions, and you can't worry about it either. The only "problem" I see here is her relationship with her husband. If my DH didn't want to invite someone for whatever reason, I would respect his decision. My marriage trumps any friendship with the ex.
My guess is Godmother would not want to go anyway.
Yes, i think since it is his brother, i would tend to want to defer to what my husband wanted regarding his brother.
I think, since it is the child's communion, the child should be able to have her godmother there if she so wishes. My response to both of them would be along the lines of:
"This is not about you. This is about DD and her communion, and this woman is her godmother. Having her godmother there is important to her, and that's final. This woman is the mother of your children, and you are going to have to learn to deal civilly with her for the benefit of your children; you may as well start now for the benefit of your niece."
Now, of course, if the reason they got a divorce is because the woman screwed her way through Connecticut or tried to kill him, my opinion might be different, but we don't have any divorce blame hints in here, and in fact, they still like her, so such a circumstance is unlikely.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Good gosh, these are adults fighting over petty stuff. Grow the f up.
You want to be bitter? Be bitter on your own time, not my daughters.
You want to ruin the relationship between cousins? They are still family and godmother is forever their mother, regardless of your stupid bitterness and revenge seeking attitude.
I'd put my foot down and hard. I don't care if it is DH's brother's ex-wife. If the BIL is not adult enough to put aside his bitterness, to damn bad.
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I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
My thing is, doesn't the divorcing couple have kids?
They are going to have to learn to get along in social situations for the rest of their lives.
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