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Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Dear Amy - my boyfriend doesn't do gifts

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

In 2 years, the man has never bought you so much as a birthday card? His ass needs dumping.

backpacker365 · Newbie

My husband does not really tend toward gifts. Early in our relationship he did flowers alot but now knows I am just as happy with grocery store flowers. I picked out my own engagement ring (he gave me his credit card) We tend to buy ourselves our Christmas and birthday gifts - we both agree to an approximate spending limit.

My husbands love language is making sure my car is full of gas and clean. Changing the oil, filling the tires etc. It's awesome because I just get in and drive.

But I am more like the Lw's hubby. Have never liked obligatory gift giving.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

It is clear that this woman in the OP considers the thoughtfulness of gift giving to be very important. The fact that he would not buy her a Christmas gift or a birthday card, or ANYTHING at all says he really doesn't care about what she wants or her feelings. THAT is why he needs to be dumped.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Lawyerlady wrote:
It is clear that this woman in the OP considers the thoughtfulness of gift giving to be very important. The fact that he would not buy her a Christmas gift or a birthday card, or ANYTHING at all says he really doesn't care about what she wants or her feelings. THAT is why he needs to be dumped.

I agree with this. It isn't as though she desires something outrageous. If he really cared for her he would get her a gift or two.

backpacker365 · Newbie

I see your point.

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

He wasn't raised that way. He won't change. Move on.

FNW · Guru

This is obviously a deal breaker for her. She needs to find someone who makes her feel special. This one doesn't.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

He isn't going to change. So, she needs to decide if that is a deal breaker. You either accept that is who he is and not spend your life beitching about it, or you dump him.
She interprets that as love. So, if he doesn't do that, she is going to spend her life feeling unloved and unappreciated. She should have a frank conversation and say THIS makes me feel LOVED. And, not doing it makes me feel unloved. If she hasn't had that converation she absolutely should. At the very least it might open his eyes a bit. She really should move on.

Mary Zombie · Guru

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
It is clear that this woman in the OP considers the thoughtfulness of gift giving to be very important. The fact that he would not buy her a Christmas gift or a birthday card, or ANYTHING at all says he really doesn't care about what she wants or her feelings. THAT is why he needs to be dumped.
I agree with this. It isn't as though she desires something outrageous. If he really cared for her he would get her a gift or two.

Totally agee. In fact I have dumped a guy like this. I can get my own stuff but it shows he's not generous natured.

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Saturday 4th of February 2017 09:14:06 PM

Lindley · Guru

My SIL, is like the boyfriend but because he loves my daughter he gives her things like tickets to plays, spa treatments and time away.

burns07 · Guru

lord, they are young and immature--swear am going to write a book one of these days called " the care and feeding of women " or something like that--she needs to communicate to him what she wants, what makes her happy, what she needs to feel fulfilled not write a letter to some twit advice columnist--of course, she sounds a bit of a twit herself

part of loving someone is being willing to step out of YOUR comfort zone and into THEIRS--you HAVE to do it--is the only reasonable course if you expect them to step into yours

my lady loves online gaming--she is a legend in that community having worked on everquest, GTA, WoW and several others over the years--online gaming bores the hell out of me and she knows it--nevertheless, have developed an interest in it as it's important to her--am not enamored with it and never will be but it's important to her so need to play along

she, on the other hand, has played along with me and stepped well out of her comfort zone--taught her to fly, took her skydiving, taught her to ski, taught her to shoot(the right way), taught her how to high-performance drive (safely), taught her about boats and other toys--in essence, have tried to share with her some of the things that i love doing--and she has done and taught me many things to make my life more interesting and beautiful

of course, she also taught be about love and that trumps everything but is definitely not something you can put in a box, tie-up with a bow and give to someone on a special occasion

Whenitrains · Member

I know someone whose love language is giving gifts and gets mad because she doesn't get anything in return. She says her dh's love language is receiving gifts, so he's going to take, not give, and she gets mad and won't tell him why she's mad. I always thought you gave a gift because you wanted to, maybe I've been doing it wrong all these years? ;)

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

And why is having minimal values considered stingy? She already thinks poorly of his family. She is too materialistic for this man.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

I had some family that made grand gestures and gave elaborate gifts and sent cards for all the right occasions. But if you NEEDED them, they were not available emotionally or physically. It taught me at an early age that just because someone gives you a gift, doesn't mean they actually care about you. While I sympathize with the OP and that she isn't getting her needs met, she should do some thinking about if this need is important to her in the grand scheme of things. Does he "show up" in all the other ways? Can he be counted on? Does he hold down a job, make time for her, listen to her when she is upset and help her when she asks for help? Those things can mean more than an obligatory present because the calendar says it's a present giving day.

Tangerine · Guru

I think he sounds like an ass. He surely knew she wanted a Christmas gift. He could have gotten her literally anything, but didn't bother.
He is not even trying to make her happy.

Divine Geek · Guru

My love language is gifts. It's not about being materialistic. It's about the thought. One time my coworker brought me a tea from McDonald's, half cut like I like it. My goodness, it made my day. And on my end, it's why I gladly maintain the office candy bowl. Why I bring my rolls from bob Evans to my friend that loves them. It shows I'm thinking of them.

To the OP, she needs to first make sure she has told him this is important. He's not a mind reader. If she has expressed her feelings and he is ignoring them, I would dump him. It's not about the gifts at that point, it's about his totally disregarding her feelings.

Btw, the 5 Love Langauges is an awesome book. I think everyone should read it. It has far reaching applications, not just romantic.

burns07 · Guru

some women are very difficult to buy for--with these,and my lady is one, have found that doing something for them, writing something for them, taking them somewhere, trying a new experience together(or alone, if she desires) can be a lot more meaningful than something you buy in a store

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

It would be sad if they split up over this. She needs to try to work it out.

chef · Guru

The LW would love my DH. It took awhile to get him to knock off with the jewelry and flowers mindset. He now appreciates that I'm easy on his wallet but I know he would've loved to have had a woman he could shower with those things.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Southern_Belle wrote:
And why is having minimal values considered stingy? She already thinks poorly of his family. She is too materialistic for this man.

Because if you are using "minimalist values" as a reason to avoid giving gifts or being generous, you are stingy.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

burns07 wrote:

some women are very difficult to buy for--with these,and my lady is one, have found that doing something for them, writing something for them, taking them somewhere, trying a new experience together(or alone, if she desires) can be a lot more meaningful than something you buy in a store

Being taken somewhere is a great gift! And thoughtful.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

I don't think she's materialistic and I do think he's insensitive. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that any normal person in this society would at the very LEAST appreciate a card for their birthday. I mean, come on.

-- Edited by Vette on Saturday 4th of February 2017 07:05:46 PM

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

There are a few people I know who really don't care about gifts and have been lucky enough to find that same quality in their partner. HOWEVER, unless it is mutual, the person refusing to buy gifts just comes off as an ass.

Think about Valentine's Day. Single people usually hate it and moan that it's a Hallmark holiday, and it's stupid anyway. But, when you are in love and getting ready to celebrate that first Valentine's with you new SO, getting all excited and then - SPLASH! Cold water in the face when the dude says, "I don't celebrate that stupid Hallmark holiday!" Jerk. Buy a box of chocolates and show you care. Is that so damn hard?

I think if my boyfriend was spending Christmas with me and my family and showed up without a single gift for anyone, especially my mother hosting his ass for dinner, he would not be my date for New Year's. That is, of course, barring some very recent financial disaster like losing his job the week before Christmas.