DEAR AMY: My spouse, one of the most caring and genuine people I’ve ever met, has been inviting his elderly homeless mother into our house for meals, and on occasion, to bathe or do laundry. This happens a few times a month, typically during the day. He works from home. I work elsewhere.
She’s had a hard time for several years, due to substance-abuse issues and minor brushes with the law. I’ve been fine with these visits if she’s only here for a few hours.
Then we started noticing small household items missing — a toiletry item, some medication, a utensil. We were annoyed, but did not make it an issue because we thought she needed these things but didn’t want to ask.
Then I got a call that several of my checks had been stolen and were being used fraudulently.
Once we got copies of the checks, it was clear that the handwriting matched my mother-in-law’s. We confronted her about it, and she denied being responsible. I feel that she should no longer be allowed into the house, but my spouse will not commit to that.
He still doubts that she was behind the stolen checks, and feels that even if she was, we should give her another chance. I feel like that’s asking for something worse to happen. What do I do?
Torn
DEAR TORN: Of course his mother did this. Furthermore, your husband knows it. But — this is his mother. He is trying to take care of and protect her. Please understand that children of addicts are prone to be anxious caretakers, as they try to make the world right in ways they know are beyond repair. His behavior now speaks to the magnitude of his decency — and his powerlessness. I hope you can react to him with compassion, even when you’re furious at this serious violation. If he wants to give his mother a second chance, you should accept this.
Lock away your valuables, medication, checks and financial records.
It might help both of you if you could play a more active role, so you two communicate openly and calmly about his mother and make decisions as a team. A social worker could help you to establish realistic boundaries and perhaps set her up with services. You should both attend Al-Anon meetings (www.al-anon.alateen.org).
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well. This letter really bothers me. Mainly because I would not let my ELDERLY mother be homeless. WTF??????
I would.
If my mother was an addict who stole from me I would allow her to be homeless. I would try with all my might to get her into a program or a shelter or a home. But if she wouldn't go or wouldn't stay and continued to use and steal from me...yes as painful as it would be I would "allow" her to be homeless. Addiction is a pain in the butt for the whole family. You can't force her to stay at a facility. And if you lock up all your valuables, she will invite people in to steal your furniture so she can get her fix. If she we're in her right mind, no mother would want her child to be subjected to this.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
This is no different than tough love with an adult child who is an addict and chooses to live on the street. I would try to help them but if they steal from me I would have them be arrested, maybe they would get help that way. You are not doing them any good being an enabler.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
If a person gets to the age of elderly before becoming an addict -then there is an underlying cause. Perhaps senility setting in, illness she is self medicating, etc.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Having many family members who are addicts, including my brother and mother, it would depend on their status at the time of their being homeless. Mom would most likely be helped, Brother would most likely remain homeless. It would all depend on circumstances surrounding their homelessness.
My mother's addiction was actually because she had a "quack" who had her on all kinds of medication. It was legal then (not now) but extremelly unethical what he did to her. She ended up in a psych hospital and had gotten electroshock therapy to help her severe post-partum depression. This helped with the EPPD but created other issues as well.
My brother is an alcoholic. He has been sober for almost 14 months now. Which is great. But until very recently, he could not rub two nickles together and come out with a penny. I would help him out but he has been close to homeless several times now. And where he is currrently living would never pass any inspection for habitation. It is not bad but certain things make it so an occupancy permit could not be issued.
If a person gets to the age of elderly before becoming an addict -then there is an underlying cause. Perhaps senility setting in, illness she is self medicating, etc.
I agree with that line of thinking. However, the OP sounds like the addiction was an issue before becoming the age of elderly.
If a person gets to the age of elderly before becoming an addict -then there is an underlying cause. Perhaps senility setting in, illness she is self medicating, etc.
I agree with that line of thinking. However, the OP sounds like the addiction was an issue before becoming the age of elderly.
I would think a long term homeless addict would be dead by now.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
If a person gets to the age of elderly before becoming an addict -then there is an underlying cause. Perhaps senility setting in, illness she is self medicating, etc.
I know. but still, to be enabler, we can't do that. If they can afford it, rent the MIL a room or small apartment, get her into Sr housing. Can't be giving her money directly or by leaving the opportunity for her to steal. I would not let either of my parents be homeless, even if addicts, but I sure would not give them the cash for anything because you know where that cash will be spent.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
A lot of senior housing has rules that this woman may not be able to abide by. They should certainly try, but I doubt she would last long there. And senior housing isn't available everywhere - they may not have any available.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
if they can't care for themselves then it becomes my/our responsibility to do so--lord, they're family--can think of only one viable reason for CHOOSING to be homeless
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" the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. "--edmund burke
I would like to know what they consider "elderly." I've heard millenials call a 50 year old, elderly.
That being said, I thought it was good advice. I don't know there is much you can do for an addict, they have to be motivated. Assuring they have roof over their head isn't much motivation to get clean and stay clean. But it is his mother. Lock your stuff up and take a more active role in the help.
I've only known one person who chose to be homeless. He didn't want to be tied to any specific dwelling. He had the money to have a home but didn't want one. He died a few years back. I miss him.
I knew someone like that as well. Fear of commitment I suppose. His name currently escapes me. But he used to shower at the Y before he showed up at work and lived out of his car.
It isn't about "letting' an addict be homeless. They choose it through their behavior. And, if your mother is an addict, your primary obligation is to your own children first. You should'n't bankrupt yourself or your children's college fund for an addict parent
It isn't about "letting' an addict be homeless. They choose it through their behavior. And, if your mother is an addict, your primary obligation is to your own children first. You should'n't bankrupt yourself or your children's college fund for an addict parent
I agree, but this letter doesn't mention children.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
It isn't about "letting' an addict be homeless. They choose it through their behavior. And, if your mother is an addict, your primary obligation is to your own children first. You should'n't bankrupt yourself or your children's college fund for an addict parent
I agree, but this letter doesn't mention children.
OK. But neither should you bankrupt yourself for an addict as you have to take care of your own future. There is much you can do for someone who won't help themselves.
