DEAR CAROLYN: My husband has been asked to go on a mission trip. He has done this in the past and really enjoyed it. I have also, before we had kids, but I have not gone away overnight, ever, since having kids.
Carolyn Hax
He is really wanting to go and has asked me if I’d be OK with it. But I’m dreading the thought. It means I will be home all alone for a week with our five kids, one an infant. When he went before, we only had four kids, older-ish, and even then it was a really hard week for me.
Now I’m working more, we have a new baby who does NOT sleep, four other kids who are super active, going to school full time for my master’s and trying to juggle all of the schedules and find a sitter for while I’m at work.
Oh, p.s., nobody ever wants to baby-sit five kids except Grandma, who lives an hour away, although she is willing to drive up every day to watch them.
Just thinking about it now is making me exhausted. I will also admit I am just a tiny bit jealous because he gets to go away on these fun trips periodically and I never do because he couldn’t handle parenting by himself for a week and has no idea how hard it actually is.
Let’s go on our own mission to declare this statement all the varieties of bull cookies it is.
They’re his kids, too. In any kind of just world, he wouldn’t ask you to shoulder anything extra for him until he signed himself up for any family job you already do.
And he’d do it not just once and not just to buy himself a wanted trip, but to (1) Give you your first overnight away since childbirth!; (2) Give your kids the unspoken message that they’re as much his priority as they are yours; (3) Give your kids the unspoken message that taking responsibility is a parent’s job, not a mother’s; (4) Live and act in recognition of the fact that he is (pardon me) one falling piano away from being a single dad, since that awfulness would be orders of magnitude more awful if he arrived for it as unprepared as you say.
I embrace your wanting to make this work because it’s important to your husband. That’s the kind of gift-giving that elevates a life partnership above mere cohabitation and profit-sharing.
But if such sacrifice goes only one way, then it’s not giving of yourself anymore — it’s negating yourself. “Depriving him” of a week is trivial if your arrangements deny you parity, recognition or relief.
Only you two know the whole story, of course. So give the answer your whole story supports, yes or no, without guilt — and likewise ask for whatever you need.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I don't think he should go either. My DH used to go away on golf trips with his friends but that all stopped after the boys were born. For several years, the boys were sick. A lot. There were sleepless nights, ER visits, ped's visits, x-rays, nebulizers, allergist appts., pulmonologist appts., etc. He made sure he was home by 5:30 pm to assist with them while I made dinner, there was no way he would even consider taking a trip. I did take two trips to attend funerals for close family members, but one of my parents stayed behind and helped DH with the boys.
It sounds like this woman certainly has her hands full with 4 little ones plus an infant. While she may have bitten off more than she can chew, her DH certainly played his role in this as well.
At the very least, she should only ok it if he agrees to let her take a similar trip in the very near future. But really, it sounds like now is not a good time for either parent to leave voluntarily, maybe in a few years.
A mission is not a good reason to bail on your family. I have a hard time believing that God would take a man out of his home to preach to others when his own family needs his support. Begin it at home.
I think this is a bad time to go as well but she does need to start leaving the kids with him even for a couple of hours now and then. They will survive. If she died the father would have to take care of them
It sounds like she doesn't have a whole lot of help when he is there, so his being away shouldn't be that much different.
How old are the older-ish kids?
Why are they over booked and not helping at home?
This seems like a self imposed problem.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I am a little confused (what else is new?) The last time he went they had 4 kids - olderish. Now they have a baby and 4 super active kids. Are these the same kids or do they have foster children who change from time to time or what?
That aside, I do not think he should go with 5 kids in the house. They need a dad (or whatever he is) there.
Karl, sounds like there is a big gap between the 4 older kids and the baby. And by "super active" I take that as meaning involved in a lot of activities she has to drive them to and/or attend. Not exactly actively running around the house.
I stopped right there. "won't let me"?? What is she, his slave? She needs to woman-up and take her ovaries back (sorry, closest female equivalent I could think of to "man up and take his balls back").
Karl, sounds like there is a big gap between the 4 older kids and the baby. And by "super active" I take that as meaning involved in a lot of activities she has to drive them to and/or attend. Not exactly actively running around the house.
Oh come on, who in their right mind would have a baby if the other kids were much older now?
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Karl, sounds like there is a big gap between the 4 older kids and the baby. And by "super active" I take that as meaning involved in a lot of activities she has to drive them to and/or attend. Not exactly actively running around the house.
Oh come on, who in their right mind would have a baby if the other kids were much older now?
My youngest was a surprise baby and late in my life. it happens.
Karl, sounds like there is a big gap between the 4 older kids and the baby. And by "super active" I take that as meaning involved in a lot of activities she has to drive them to and/or attend. Not exactly actively running around the house.
Oh come on, who in their right mind would have a baby if the other kids were much older now?
Karl, sounds like there is a big gap between the 4 older kids and the baby. And by "super active" I take that as meaning involved in a lot of activities she has to drive them to and/or attend. Not exactly actively running around the house.
Oh come on, who in their right mind would have a baby if the other kids were much older now?
My youngest was a surprise baby and late in my life. it happens.
Cheerios, that was dig on me. My kids are 23 years apart!
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I have a friend at work who had a child every 10 years, give or take. Although she started young, she has 4. Her youngest is about 10 now. She's very tired.
When they are more than 6 years apart, you basically are having another 'only' kid. My three are great kids, but they rarely are able to really relate to each other.
it happens.
