DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, not long after I announced to my family that I was going to be married, my parents decided to divorce because Dad had been cheating on Mom. Because I allowed him to walk me down the aisle, she didn't attend my wedding. I was extremely hurt by it, but decided to forgive and forget. Unfortunately, my mother could not do that.
For the last six years, she has ignored my phone calls and text messages. I have sent cards and gifts for birthdays, Christmas and Mother's Day and received no acknowledgment (although she does generally send me a generic birthday or Christmas card).
We were very close before all this started, and I have tried reaching out to her in every way I know how. What makes this even more awkward is that she lives a stone's throw away, and my teenage daughter is close with her. If I'm outside when she drops my daughter off, she hides her face or pulls up in front of a big tree in my yard so she can't see me.
Cutting family out of her life is a pattern for her. My mother hasn't spoken to her own father in almost 50 years, and out of her six siblings, she speaks to only one. She cut her own mother out of her life for years until Grandma was on her deathbed.
With Mom's birthday coming up, I'm at the point where I think I'm done sending cards and gifts to someone who can't acknowledge me and blatantly hides from me. What do you think? -- CASTOFF IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CASTOFF: Sending the greeting cards is a minimal way to maintain contact, and you could continue doing it. But if you're really done, you're done.
She isn't against using mom for babysitting. I would have nipped this in the bud a long time ago. She would either at least say Hello and be respectful and cordial or I would not be dropping off my child. SHe is teaching her granddaughter to be disrespectful to mom. They don't have to be close, just polite.
She isn't against using mom for babysitting. I would have nipped this in the bud a long time ago. She would either at least say Hello and be respectful and cordial or I would not be dropping off my child. SHe is teaching her granddaughter to be disrespectful to mom. They don't have to be close, just polite.
Babysitting? A teen? Doubt she is being used as a babysitter, in fact she is being a good Mom by not making this her daughter's issue and encouraging the daughter to see GM.
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I would absolutely want her to have a relationship with GM. GM doesn't have to like mom. But, she must be polite. That would require a Hello and Good bye. That isnt' unreasonable and demonstrating continual disrespect isn't going to play out with with the grandchild in my opinion.
Kudos to Mom for encouraging her daughter to maintain a relationship with the GM. Shame on the GM (Mother) for continuing this power play and control issue. If I were the daughter of the GM, I would stop all cards, etc. Enough is enough now. The daughter is a grown woman and doesn't need to continue to seek her Mother's attention. The power play stops now and the daughter needs to do so.
My question is - has daughter tried apologizing? Daughter outright chose her cheating father over her mother as being an important part of her wedding. That had to hurt tremendously. While I'm sure it was very difficult to deal with, I don't think LW is telling us everything. The only reason I could see her letting her child go off with a woman that won't speak to her, and to keep reaching out over and over, is out of guilt.
Either way, she should have done something more proactive about this long ago.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Mom sounds like a piece of work. She's throwing away a relationship with her daughter because she chose to have her father walk her down the aisle, a very important (to her) tradition.
As for her daughter nurturing a relationship with her grandmother, "buyer beware". Grandma can turn on granddaughter on a dime, leaving a very hurt granddaughter.
I think it's too late to change that. Granddaughter is 16 now and the only thing you'd do by interfering at this point is alienate both of them instead of just one.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
When you have kids with someone, you're stuck with them. You have to expect the child to want both parents involved in the milestones.
Even I fully expect that some day, my ex will be invited to something.
The gma was stupid to refuse to go to her daughter's wedding. Gma chose that hill to die on.
The LW is not obligated to apologize for wanting her father there.
The LW is also allowing her daughter to continue her relationship with the Gma.
But the LW needs to understand her actions are her responsibility and so are the consequences of those actions.
This is stupid drama that should have been handled a lot better by everyone.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
And every time the daughter tries to reach out to her mother, the mother gets a smirk on her face "ha... she still wants to try to make up but I have the upper hand!" I wouldnt give her the satisfaction that I cared anymore.
This sounds WAY too much like a lot of Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings you read/hear about.
I agree with LL, there has to be more to the story. But the grandmother needs to move on, as well. For goodness sake, someone reach out and apologize! If you're rebuffed, so be it - at least you'll have tried.
