Dear Carolyn: My 11-year-old daughter is going through a phase right now of extreme, black-and-white thinking. Right is right and wrong is wrong. This is challenging sometimes.
My mother-in-law loves to host but it’s pretty obvious she buys entire meals prepackaged from a grocery store chain and passes them off as hers. The adults just pretend we don’t know.
Earlier this week, my sister-in-law brought this up in a joking way and she, my husband, and I had a laugh about it. Well, my daughter heard this and confronted us about Grandma’s cooking. We tried to explain to her that it’s a kindness not to say, “You didn’t take the garbage out so I saw the takeout containers.” My daughter replied with, “So when you told Grandma her potatoes tasted good it was a LIE?”
She is right, really. We all sort of lie, and so does Grandma.
My daughter told us in no uncertain terms that she will not pretend that Grandma cooked the meal. She is also rather frosty toward us for our willing participation in this, her word, charade, and asked, “What else has Grandma been lying about?”
My husband thinks we should just let this play out, and that our daughter will not be able to look her grandmother in the eye and actually say this stuff. I am almost positive our daughter will say this stuff, and maybe we should warn his mother. Any advice? — We All Sort of Lie
Dear We: Off the record, please don’t correct your future journalist/scientist/prosecutor too successfully.
On the record, the most important thing here is your daughter’s socialization. You can accomplish that whether you warn Grandma or not — because the consequences of not warning her just aren’t that dire, and because your mission is unchanged regardless. Your daughter has forced you to defend beliefs you probably haven’t examined for a long time, if ever, as kids do so mind-blowingly well.
So find a way to justify your approach to honesty that withstands scrutiny … or admit your daughter is right. “It’s a kindness” is fine as far as it goes, but where specifically are the lines between cruelty and kindness, and kindness and deceit?
ADVERTISING
Whether you tip off Grandma or let her startled face be part of your daughter’s education, the next dinner will be instructive for your daughter.
So, yeah, I’m giving you nothing. Tell us how it went!
Re: Potatoes: The problem isn’t Grandma’s cooking, it’s the catty and careless way the other adults mock her behind her back. — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: You’re right, of course, though I think it’s grayer than you suggest. Laughter can be affectionate, too.
Re: Potatoes: As I’ve explained to my own daughter, it is not “honesty” to express every stray thought (wow, you’re really fat; what’s that smell?), even if true. That’s what toddlers do. As we begin to grow up (yeah, I’d shamelessly play on her desire to be adult), we are more able to hold feelings, situations, and honesty in tension. A filter is not the same as being dishonest. Grandma knows she didn’t cook and so does everyone else, so you’re not “saving” anyone from anything by announcing it, you’re just creating hurt feelings. — Parent
Oh geez. So what. She serves Costco meals (or from wherever). And everyone eats it and pays compliments to the chef.
My aunt would do this with lasagne. She would serve stauffers and pass it off as her own. I guess the difference is we knew, she knew we knew, we complimented her, wink, and we'd all ask for her recipe. Stauffers became known as Aunt Jane's lasagne.
Suck it up and make nice. It's the social setting that's more important than which kitchen the meals were born.
I would tell my kid, grandma is serving you a meal. So, when goes to the effort to serve you a meal, no matter what it is, you compliment their efforts. Find something NICE to say. And, if you dont' have something nice to say, don't say. So, she doesnt have to say, 'these potatoes that you made are delicious". But, she can say, "these potatoes are delicious". She doesn't have to address whether grandma made it or not.
However, i would assume that grandma could chuckle and say oh yeah it's from Cosco as well.
Well, she's 11. I can kind of understand an 11 yr old not getting this. She just needs to be educated that's all.
She does need to be educated and best way is to give her a taste of her own medicine. Next time she wears something that is mismatched or such tell her how awful she looks followed up with, now how does that rude comment feel?
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I don't think she's a brat. I think she's been sent mixed messages. She's obviously been taught lying is bad and then she finds out grandma lies and the whole family goes along with it.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I don't think she's a brat. I think she's been sent mixed messages. She's obviously been taught lying is bad and then she finds out grandma lies and the whole family goes along with it.
I think LGS is right that is more about her age than anything else. I highly doubt that an 11 year old isn't already well aware of consideration for someone's feelings. Her behavior is more about rebelling against her elders, doing so through pointing when they are wrong.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
She seems like a late bloomer for the "just go along with it so feelings aren't hurt" talk. But better late than never.
Even at 8 (almost 9), I am teaching the boys to "act happy and grateful" over gifts or favors they receive, even if it's something they might not like. Case in point: The boys entered a raffle at the library for Star Wars prizes. #1 hates Star Wars, but entered anyway. He won. I told him the prize would be Star Wars related (he needed to go to library and pick it out), and if he didn't want what they offered, let his brother (who loves Star Wars) help him and to act happy that he won and appreciative of the prizes offered. I also revved him up to the fact that this was the second time they won a raffle they entered at the library and how lucky they are, with the promise to take them to Vegas when they turned 21. LOL
Well, she's 11. I can kind of understand an 11 yr old not getting this. She just needs to be educated that's all.
She does need to be educated and best way is to give her a taste of her own medicine. Next time she wears something that is mismatched or such tell her how awful she looks followed up with, now how does that rude comment feel?
I like this one!
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
And quite frankly, I think it's stupid if Grandma's feelings get hurt when she and everyone else knows she doesn't cook the food. There is nothing shameful in take-out. Pretending you cooked it, though, is a lie. And when the other adults humor that, they are supporting that lie. Grandma is fully aware she doesn't cook it, so if her feelings get hurt when she gets called out on it - that's ridiculous.
She may be embarrassed, but she should be.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I am not ready to declare an 11 yr old a manipulative brat. She is just getting to the age of really thinking and questioning. She has been taught that lying is wrong. And, now they go to grandma's and make a big false pretense out of dinner. Any normal kid her age is going to see that and not be able to wrap their heads around this until the nuances of life, family, and relationships are explained.
My mom wouldn't have some need for the family to "pretend". She would be like, "oh i picked up some supper at KFC', let's sit down and eat. It isn't even something that would be an issue. Or, if she had picked something up to serve as a convenience along with other homemade foods, and we said, love the potatoes, she would say, oh thanks, picked those up at the deli. Nobody would have to "pretend" that she spent hours making them. I really dont' understand this whole dynamic going on at. If someone serves you, you compliment and appreciate their efforts. There doesn't have to be any lying either way.
However, since the daughter tiptoes around grandma this way, then fine. Then this is an opportunity to educate her in the family dynamics. That the child just needs to learn to be say "Thank you for dinner" and that is not mannerly to quiz the host as to where it came from. That's fine.
But, she isn't a brat to see that "tell the truth, lie to grandma" is happening.
Well, she's 11. I can kind of understand an 11 yr old not getting this. She just needs to be educated that's all.
She does need to be educated and best way is to give her a taste of her own medicine. Next time she wears something that is mismatched or such tell her how awful she looks followed up with, now how does that rude comment feel?
Oh how I love this! I love this indeeeeeeed! And dont hold back either!
I wonder how old grandma is. If she's fragile because of age, I would tell my daughter to keep her mouth shut.
Mater of fact, I would tell her no matter what to keep her mouth shut. What are they supposed to say, 'Oh Grandma, these Costco Potatoes and Swanson Lasagna are amazing!". No, you say dinner was amazing. Thank you. That's not lying.
Would you be OK with your 11 year old telling her younger siblings that Santa isn't real? Because that's lying.
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
I think one can find something GOOD to say. Which is the point ,not who made dinner, or whatever. Someone is preparing you a meal, find something good to say about it. And, you don't even have to lie to find something good to say.
I wonder how old grandma is. If she's fragile because of age, I would tell my daughter to keep her mouth shut.
Mater of fact, I would tell her no matter what to keep her mouth shut. What are they supposed to say, 'Oh Grandma, these Costco Potatoes and Swanson Lasagna are amazing!". No, you say dinner was amazing. Thank you. That's not lying.
Would you be OK with your 11 year old telling her younger siblings that Santa isn't real? Because that's lying.
They need to say thank you for the meal, they do not need to be part of Grandma lying that she made it. Saying "thank you for dinner" is appropriate - expecting her to confirm a lie is not.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
