Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for six years. I am 32; he is 37. We were going to start trying to have a baby this year, but we can’t agree on child care.
Before we got married, we agreed that we would want our child to be cared for by a family member, or by one of us. We have no family nearby, are uncomfortable with leaving a baby with a stranger, and astounded at the cost of day care.
I always let my husband know that I wanted one of us to stay at home at least during infancy, if our budgets would allow. He agreed that this made sense and would be better for the children.
I don’t think he anticipated that I would become the breadwinner. I now earn well over twice what he makes.
I think it makes the most sense for him to take a break from his job and care for the children, since the cost of child care would absorb his salary.
I would have more to lose when it’s time to re-enter the workforce. My husband, on the other hand, could find the same type of job anytime.
My husband says that he would not enjoy taking care of children 24/7 and would feel unfulfilled. I understand these concerns but I’ve suggested several different options, such as me working 10-hour days so that I only work four days a week, giving him Fridays free. Or I could start work extra early and come home early. He didn’t like these suggestions, either.
I don’t feel comfortable trying to have babies without having resolved this issue. — Unsure
Dear Unsure: It would be great if you could see into the future and anticipate not only all of the variables, but also how you will feel about them, but families are not built from tidy blueprints, but by one (sometimes messy) arrangement at a time.
Keep in mind that the whole process — the trying to get pregnant, and the pregnancy — takes almost a year (as a best-case scenario). And during that year, you will both change in ways that you can’t anticipate.
You really shouldn’t make decisions like, “We won’t leave our baby with a stranger” until you have a baby and learn that, once you meet great caregivers, they cease being strangers, but become valuable partners. If you become pregnant, you and your husband will meet other expectant parents who will influence you and point you toward ideas and resources.
You seem to have a great career, and I hope that your company gives you ample parental leave time, because it is during this time that you will work some of this out.
It is extremely important that both parents feel that the work they’re doing is fulfilling. If your husband ends up not wanting to be a stay-at-home parent, and if his lower salary would pay for quality child care, then it’s not up to you to dictate his choices regarding his work. Mainly, you should both determine to stay flexible.
I applaud them for thinking things through before starting a family, but do agree that a baby changes everything...and a lot can happen between now and then.
She should be prepared to step down and allow her husband to provide for his family. It's nature.
Yep, nice to talk and plan in advance, but you really do need to have that baby before getting too detailed about who will care for it, etc. So many things happen every day that change our plans.....
But, if this letter were coming after the baby and it was about not being able to agree on childcare, wouldn't we all be like 'well, this should have been figured out before there was a baby..."?
A good point, Tignanello. Another one of these "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations. But all of life is like this and it is difficult to anticipate every problem, etc. Maybe they could discuss this "during the pregnancy" instead of before or after. This should not be such a big problem that they do not have a child or stop the pregnancy, etc. The husband would feel "unfulfilled" - since when does everyone have to feel fulfilled? Maybe I live too simple a life, but food, clothing, shelter, friends, and - if a child is in the cards- a child should satisfy everybody....
Cannot believe either of my parents felt fulfilled with what they were doing with their lives and that goes for my brother and his wife, too. Didn't think that way, I guess. Had happy times and sad times; ups and downs. Without blaming it on being bi-polar, etc. I know bi-polar is not mentioned in the letter, but I am just extrapolating from it.
Guess I just do not understand people any more....
Of course you should talk about it. But if you really think you can plan everything in life to the nth degree, you can't. He doesn't want to stay home. So trying to force him into her fantasy of how it should be isn't going to work. That's great that she makes significantly more. Well, if so, then she could consider working part time and do part time day care or something and/or maybe he could find different shifts to work so that one is coming home when the other is leaving. But, at 32, she might just argue herself right out of a baby if she isn't willing to be flexible.
It is good they are talking about it now. Otherwise you are going to have a fight later when the kid is 8 weeks old and mom has to go back to work.
If neither parent is going to step up to the plate, then the answer seems obvious. A daycare is the only option.
And I am still amazed that people write into advice columns on simple stuff like this. This one seems more of a 'please validate me and help me find the words to make my husband do what I want him to do."
