DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my sister mailed me a long letter detailing her resentment for me and our lack of closeness. She said she wanted to have a relationship. After reading it, I reached out to her and thanked her for her openness. I agreed that I, too, would like to be closer.
I am eight years older than she is, and we live in different states. Growing up, our mother didn't take time to foster our relationship. I'm now married and have a baby. She's going her way, too, beginning a new career.
Lately our relationship has become one-sided. I'm almost always the one to initiate a phone call or message, and when I do, she doesn't always respond. When we talk, I ask her about herself, and that seems to be the focus of conversation. Or we talk about my baby.
Our relationship doesn't feel genuine to me. I feel obligated to call her, but she doesn't reciprocate. Must I keep this up because we're family, or should I tell her how I feel in the hope that our relationship could become a two-way street? She's sensitive, and I'm worried that if I bring it up it will make things worse. -- STRUGGLING SISTER IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR STRUGGLING SISTER: It's all right to tell your sister that when she doesn't respond to your calls or messages, it's hurtful. But rather than say you feel the relationship has become one-sided, which could be interpreted as a criticism of her, explain that you realize both of you are busy people. Then suggest the two of you agree to schedule a call every month or so to catch up. If she truly wants the relationship she requested, it shouldn't be too much of a burden for her.
I don't think they need to have a conversation about it. Just let the relationship be what it is, cordial but distant
Actually, my first thought centered on the baby. First time mom? Probably drones on and on about the baby, most of did that with our firsts. Perhaps she did that and it turned her sister off?
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
It could be that both sisters are in different places in their lives. My sister was 10 years older then me and my brother is 7 years older then me. They had married and started families by the time I reached high school.
One is a wife and new mommy and the other just starting out.
Eh, I get annoyed when people complain about not keeping in touch. I always say the phone works both ways.
I say this to my mom whenever she whines that I don't keep in touch enough (usually by phone). So, my guess is that if she is not being called it is not because the phone doesn't work both ways. It is because the sister doesn't want to call her. Some people only need to be talked to infrequently. Some people have a shelf life.
I think that I would probably just stop calling and see how long it took her to call me. I'd send birthday cards, etc. to stay in touch, invite her to family events, but otherwise stop trying so hard.
After my father died, I worked hard at staying in contact with my step-mother and younger siblings. I always sent cards, Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, and made an effort to go visit them at least once a year. They didn't reciprocate. After DD13 was born, it was the last straw. I called and let them know she was born, and I didn't so much as get a card or a follow up phone call to see how we were doing. I just waited to see how long it would take for them to reach out. I'm still waiting.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Pfft. Sounds like something my sister would write about me.
Sorry sis, but we dont get along, we dont agree on anything, you irritate me on a constant basis with your drama, and then you get pissy when I call you on your BS... so yeah, there is a reason we are not close. Get over it.
