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Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Dear Abby: Husband wants to move after he agreed we wouldn't.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I'm with Abby. I'd like to know more about why she is so dead set against moving. Is it because her parents help a lot with the kids? His parents are awful? Why?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

If she made it clear prior to marrying, then she made that clear so he really has nothing to complain about and he knew that going in.
However, are there other ways to address the issue without moving? Can they find a way to spend more time in his hometown? Maybe purchase a camp there and go there on some long weekends and summer?
They have 3 boys who are already putting down roots where they are. So moving them doesn't sound ideal, however, people move all the time.
But if she goes along with it, is clear that she isn't going to be happy either. And living with an unhappy mother would be very hard on the kids. The kids are probably already used to dad pining away for his hometown.

On the other hand, it doesn't sound like either of them have made each other their priority in life. Maybe her family is overbearing and overinvolved in their relationship. Who knows? They are going to have to find some way to make this work for both of them.

Mary Zombie · Guru

She's really selfish. She needs to compromise and give his home town a try
It's childish to think you're never going to leave your home town. Your husband and children are your family

She may end up divorced if she doesn't put her marriage first

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Mary Zombie wrote:
She's really selfish. She needs to compromise and give his home town a try
It's childish to think you're never going to leave your home town. Your husband and children are your family

She may end up divorced if she doesn't put her marriage first

Divorced or a life of resentment. I agree she sounds selfish.

FNW · Guru

She does sound selfish, but he knew that going in. I, too, would like more information as to why she does not want to live near his family. At this point, I really do not understand the husband's desire to uproot his children either. I don't think that would be good for the boys.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

She admits to being selfish about it, but I think he's being selfish, too. Uprooting everyone b/c you are homesick is a bit much. They have a life where they are. I moved for my husband when we first married, but it would take a really good job opportunity for it to happen again b/c we have kids that are established here.

FNW · Guru

I asked DH if he wanted to live closer to his family several times over the years before we had children and he had no desire. That should have been my first clue. LOL

I asked DH if he wanted to move to California after the boys were born and he said no. We both have lived in our area over 20 years and this has become home. The boys would love to live in California, however. They want to be closer to their cousins.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

I wouldn't ever want to live near DH's parents, not ever. It has never come up so I'm hoping it will never be an issue.

There must be some reason she is so set against it.

Lindley · Guru

When My husband and I got married we moved from my hometown, state and moved to a real small town in the Midwest because that was where he was planning to move to be near his family and start a farm after he graduated college. It was something he was very excited to do even before we met. Of course I was all starry eyed and thought it would be a romantic version of the waltons and little house on the prairie. I do understand how the husband feels, but like me he knew from the start that his wife has no desire to move.

karl271 · Guru

Not so sure I would like to be held to promises I made 15 years ago. Things change. People change. Wish the OP had given a little more information about why she is so dead set against moving.

Ohfour · Hooker

karl271 wrote:
Not so sure I would like to be held to promises I made 15 years ago. Things change. People change. Wish the OP had given a little more information about why she is so dead set against moving.

I agree. Things change. I would like to know the boys' ages. That would definitely sway my opinion...

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

karl271 wrote:
Not so sure I would like to be held to promises I made 15 years ago. Things change. People change. Wish the OP had given a little more information about why she is so dead set against moving.

Like your wedding vows? Promises are meant to be kept when someone relies on them.

karl271 · Guru

Wedding vows equal promises?? Don't follow you on this one, LL. Wedding Vows are sacred, taken before God. Doubt promises can be stated to be the same...

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

In his defense, people change and are allowed to change their minds. There is no way when I got married that I had any idea how many children we were gonna have, where we would live, etc. I think the notion that you can figure out your entire married life before you get married is a bit silly.
Obviously, he is unhappy. So, having an unhappy spouse isn't helping anyone. I assume she wants to make him happy so I offered some ideas for a compromise. Is there a way to get more of what he wants without moving necessarily? A summer camp or more time spent in his hometown with some long weekends, holidays, etc.

backpacker365 · Newbie

My husband lives in a small town. We live in a very nice house but the whole small town thing does not work for me. There are no amenities! No decent restaurants, everything is a 30 minute drive - why would anyone choose to live here? It would be different if we were in the woods or by a creek - truly country. But we are surrounded by cornfields and the road in front of our house has cars that drive so fast its scary. At night onstead of the peaceful lights of the country - we have the lights of the interstate. Why???? Its not country!

I have made a case for moving to town til I am blue in the face but....if I cant get him actually on board there is no benefit. I dont want him to be miserable just so I can be happy, you know?

backpacker365 · Newbie

Although he has supported my making adjustments - I work a mile away instead of driving to town, etc.

When we retire we are moving to Wisconsin. We are talking about Warsau because its between our families and has amenities.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

karl271 wrote:
Wedding vows equal promises?? Don't follow you on this one, LL. Wedding Vows are sacred, taken before God. Doubt promises can be stated to be the same...

I didn't know promises had time limits. I don't make promises I don't intend to keep. Even if its 20 years. And making promises to get someone to marry you equals a vow in my book. Especially when it may have affected her decision to marry him.

burns07 · Guru

when we married it was because we wanted to be together--at first, we lived in the big city but then decided to move to mayberry--have been here ever since--regards the parents thing, has never been an issue for us--my home is not connected to any particular place in this life--my home is with her, wherever she happens to be--we have been looking at places abroad for a couple of years now and will ultimately settle far away from here--it's her choice as far as my wishes are concerned--am willing to try damn near anywhere that's stable culturally/politically

Mary Zombie · Guru

I think it's unreasonable to think nothing will change and someone won't ever change their mind. The reason she doesn't want to move doesn't even matter to me. She has gotten her way for 15 years. He has a right to be happy as well.
I still think she's supremely selfish and that kind of selfishness might end up making her single.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

There are lots of things people can change their mind about, but it seems like she made that a deal breaker when they got married, and he made that promise. Now, thinking he's got her b/c they have kids and have been together, he's trying to change what they agreed. It would be one thing if she was open to it, but she's obviously not.

What if this was about kids - she had said she never wanted any, and that was a condition of their marriage, and after getting married, he wanted to change the game and have kids? We've had that discussion before, and everyone pretty much said you knew going in, you don't get to change it. This is the same thing. He knew going in and she hasn't changed her mind.

So, he may have to choose between moving home and his wife. And his choice should be his wife if his vows mean anything.

FNW · Guru

I guess I just don't see it as black and white.

Forever Sunshine · Guru

Most things are never black and white. Life is almost always in the gray area. It's always a give and take. Things change, people change, minds change. It's life. Unfortunately, we just don't know enough about the LW's life to really assess it.

burns07 · Guru

like the song says, " men get lost sometimes as the years unfurl " and maybe that's what this is--have been in that place and it can be difficult--a persistent, diffuse longing for simpler times/places--she needs to listen carefully and try to be more understanding--he needs to articulate his motivations--depending on where he is emotionally, an ultimatum from her could be the end of their relationship--would not be surprising if it is

Mary Zombie · Guru

And by the same token she should chose her husband over living near her childhood home.
Since she took vows as well.

What if he's the main breadwinner and his job transfers him? She would divorce him instead of move?

A doctor I worked for ended up divorcing his wife because she wanted to move back to her hometown. He was the breadwinner and she was a SAHM. She ended up buying a house back home and told him she and the kids were
Moving with or without him. He never wanted to divorce but the relationship broke down after that
Understandably.
As a side note she ended up moving back here and is kind of obsessed with him years later and can't get over the divorce.
He's remarried and she refuses to acknowledge it and keeps trying to get him back. She's kind of crazy actuwlly

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Forever Sunshine wrote:
Most things are never black and white. Life is almost always in the gray area. It's always a give and take. Things change, people change, minds change. It's life. Unfortunately, we just don't know enough about the LW's life to really assess it.

Yes, things and minds change - but hers hasn't. Which was over something they agreed upon when they got married. Marriage is about mutual decisions - they made this decision together b/c he agreed to it when they got married. He doesn't get to singularly decide to change now.

What if she decided she wanted to move to Alaska? Does she get to decide that for the whole family? No, of course not.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Mary Zombie wrote:
And by the same token she should chose her husband over living near her childhood home.
Since she took vows as well.

What if he's the main breadwinner and his job transfers him? She would divorce him instead of move?

A doctor I worked for ended up divorcing his wife because she wanted to move back to her hometown. He was the breadwinner and she was a SAHM. She ended up buying a house back home and told him she and the kids were
Moving with or without him. He never wanted to divorce but the relationship broke down after that
Understandably.
As a side note she ended up moving back here and is kind of obsessed with him years later and can't get over the divorce.
He's remarried and she refuses to acknowledge it and keeps trying to get him back. She's kind of crazy actuwlly

But that is not what they agreed. They agreed when they got married they would live in her hometown. For him to change it after marrying her and having kids, when she is more dependent on him, is just wrong.

There is nothing that says this is about a job transfer or anything so that is absolutely irrelevant. Heck, part of her reason for not wanting to move could be less job opportunities, schools, anything.

NAOW · Vette's SS

I think everyone is entitled to change their mind. He did make a promise, but if my husband's feelings changed I would be open to reevaluating.

That said, I would not pack up my kids and move our whole life without a really good reason.

burns07 · Guru

Yes, things and minds change - but hers hasn't. Which was over something they agreed upon when they got married. Marriage is about mutual decisions - they made this decision together b/c he agreed to it when they got married. He doesn't get to singularly decide to change now.

What if she decided she wanted to move to Alaska? Does she get to decide that for the whole family? No, of course not.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

that's ridiculous--this is fifteen years along not six weeks after the honeymoon--neither party in a marriage relinquishes the right to pursue their individual happiness nor is forced to continue in a course that is making them unhappy--everyone(at least the humans)has their limits

Forever Sunshine · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Forever Sunshine wrote:
Most things are never black and white. Life is almost always in the gray area. It's always a give and take. Things change, people change, minds change. It's life. Unfortunately, we just don't know enough about the LW's life to really assess it.
Yes, things and minds change - but hers hasn't. Which was over something they agreed upon when they got married. Marriage is about mutual decisions - they made this decision together b/c he agreed to it when they got married. He doesn't get to singularly decide to change now.
What if she decided she wanted to move to Alaska? Does she get to decide that for the whole family? No, of course not.

I don't think, no, I know, according to the LW in the OP, he didn't make the decision to go to his hometown for the whole family. So, your saying, "she doesn't get to make the decision to move to Alaska for the whole family", is mute. Obviously he is trying to discuss it with her. But, according to you, from what I'm gathering of your posts, LL, it shouldn't even be open for discussing because it was a promise made 15 years ago when they got married?

-- Edited by Forever Sunshine on Wednesday 19th of July 2017 02:06:44 PM

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I kind of wonder if it was the wife who wanted to move and the DH who wanted to stay by his family if we would all see the same type of responses? Not say it would or wouldnt be, but would that color anyone's perception in a different way?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

The point should be that they work together so that they are BOTH happy. Not just her, not just him. Find a compromise. He isn't happy. He is telling her that. Don't most of you care if your husband is happy? Don't you want your husband to be happy? On the other hand, she is happy with the status quo and her kids have roots and community there. So, they are at an impasse. They need to work together.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Forever Sunshine wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Forever Sunshine wrote:
Most things are never black and white. Life is almost always in the gray area. It's always a give and take. Things change, people change, minds change. It's life. Unfortunately, we just don't know enough about the LW's life to really assess it.
Yes, things and minds change - but hers hasn't. Which was over something they agreed upon when they got married. Marriage is about mutual decisions - they made this decision together b/c he agreed to it when they got married. He doesn't get to singularly decide to change now.
What if she decided she wanted to move to Alaska? Does she get to decide that for the whole family? No, of course not.
I don't think, no, I know, according to the LW in the OP, he didn't make the decision to go to his hometown for the whole family. So, your saying, "she doesn't get to make the decision to move to Alaska for the whole family", is mute. Obviously he is trying to discuss it with her. But, according to you, from what I'm gathering of your posts, LL, it shouldn't even be open for discussing because it was a promise made 15 years ago when they got married?

-- Edited by Forever Sunshine on Wednesday 19th of July 2017 02:06:44 PM

Discussion? Of course. Communication is always important. But she made it clear before they got married that she never wanted to live in his hometown and he agreed. Her feelings haven't changed, so why are they now unimportant because time has passed? What difference does it make if 15 years has passed if it was clear and that was a condition to them getting married? Her feelings haven't changed and now they have 3 kids. If he isn't happy, it is NOT because of the location, and moving isn't going to solve that. They would just get there, he'd still be unhappy, and she'd be stuck somewhere she hates.

And there are absolutely places I would NOT move, especially with my kids, no matter how much my husband wanted to. And I'm certainly not unwillingly to re-locate, I've already done it once.

What I don't get is why "discussing" something seems to mean that discussion has to lead to him getting his way?

Mary Zombie · Guru

His first mistake was promising he'd never change his mind.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Mary Zombie wrote:
His first mistake was promising he'd never change his mind.

If you can't rely on the promises people make to get married, what kind of marriage is that?

Mary Zombie · Guru

Promises like wedding vows of course. It's not possible to predict the future So its foolish to promise you will never want to move. And IMO childish to expect that.
When you marry your spouse becomes your family and your home wherever the road leads you

FNW · Guru

Perhaps if they did a couple "family" vacations with his family he wouldn't be so hot to live closer to them.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Mary Zombie wrote:
Promises like wedding vows of course. It's not possible to predict the future So its foolish to promise you will never want to move. And IMO childish to expect that.
When you marry your spouse becomes your family and your home wherever the road leads you

But nothing is leading them there other than his selfish "homesickness". That's not a reason to break promises and uproot your family. It just isn't.

And if his "first mistake" was making that promise, then hers was believing him. But, who is in the wrong, the person that makes promises to get you to make a life altering decision and then breaks it, or the person who relied on the promise in making a life altering decision? The person who made the promise needs to keep it if at all possible when it affects other people.

-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Thursday 20th of July 2017 09:03:30 AM

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I see this thread as an example of what is wrong with society today. If you "change your mind" or your "feelings" change, then you get to break promises, change the lives of others, and selfishly do what you want. Promises mean nothing if you don't feel it.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I think you are kind of missing the point. They need to work TOGETHER so that they are BOTH happy.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I think you are kind of missing the point. They need to work TOGETHER so that they are BOTH happy.

No, I'm not missing the point. People on this thread are not giving a damn about her happiness. Giving in to him and moving to his hometown would not make them BOTH happy. She would not be happy there, and made that clear before they got married. Maybe his hometown is podunk, maybe his mother is a conniving bitch, maybe his buddies from back in the day make him do stupid things - whatever the reason, just giving in to his homesickness and moving there is not "working together".

Somehow, working together and discussion has equated to his getting his way because "she's had hers for 15 years". That's not discussion. That's not compromise.

And I doubt it would make him happy, either - nowhere does it say he is miserable, but if he is, when he has a family to love -moving home isn't going to magically make him happy. Your home is where you make it, and they have made theirs where they are.

You want to talk compromise - that would be vacationing there more as you said, or maybe moving a little closer, but really, what does that do but take them away from the home they have established?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

And i did not say anywhere that they should move. But having a "tough schit that's what u agreed to " approach doesn't lend itself to a happy marriage.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
And i did not say anywhere that they should move. But having a "tough schit that's what u agreed to " approach doesn't lend itself to a happy marriage.

So, what exactly is your suggestion, Gaga? Just keep talking about it even when her mind isn't going to change? You are not saying they should move, and you just want them to keep going over it? What, until he wears her down, or he gives up? That would drive me nuts, and certainly doesn't make for a happy marriage. Sometimes, you have to live with the choices you make, accept them, and learn to be happy with the decision. It's called being an adult.

Constantly harping on it after you've already discussed it and one is dead set against it does nothing but create more tension. For CHANGES in our life, I would never force something my husband is dead set against, and he wouldn't do that to me, either. Breaking your promises and forcing your spouse to move somewhere they don't want to doesn't lead to a happy marriage, either.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I gave my suggestions multiple times.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I gave my suggestions multiple times.

And your suggestions don't involve them moving, so I don't understand the argument about it.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Me either! Lol

Forever Sunshine · Guru

Seems to me the choices for him are 1) suck it up and deal with it, miserable or not and 2) divorce.

The wife, from the letter, is absolutely dead set against moving, which is pretty selfish in my opinion but that's me. I'd move in a heartbeat.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well why dont u move?

Forever Sunshine · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well why dont u move?

I did move and came back because DGD asked me to. She didn't handle it well when I moved. We are very close. She'd like to move too but we can't seem to get her dad to uproot. lol

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Forever Sunshine wrote:
Seems to me the choices for him are 1) suck it up and deal with it, miserable or not and 2) divorce.

The wife, from the letter, is absolutely dead set against moving, which is pretty selfish in my opinion but that's me. I'd move in a heartbeat.

If he's a man that loves his family, his only choice is #1. B/c I can tell you that he'd be leaving his kids behind. No judge would rule in his favor in terms of custody when he is divorcing to leave his wife and move home to mama, uprooting his children from the life they know. He'd lose custody, pay child support through the nose (3 kids), and possibly even alimony, depending on the state. The best interest of the children is stability - not uprooting them on a whim.