TOTALLY GEEKED!

Submitting one to another or something like that? Shouldn't both be doing what it takes To make the other happy?

The husband being unhappy is a valid reason to re evaluate the situation.
And if my husband after letting me have my way for 15 years were unhappy I would move. I wouldn't say ok well I'm divorcing you because you prooooomissseddddd and your wants and needs are not as important it's all about meeeee.

Just saying. It's a democracy not a dictatorship.

I see this thread as an example of what is wrong with society today.
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lord, another non sequitur--can you not understand that this has nothing to do with HER?--this is about HIM and how he's feeling NOW, not fifteen years ago--he hasn't given her any ultimatums, put his foot down, my way or else sort of nonsense--you want to infer all these nefarious intentions(controlling, abusive, etc) and not even consider his point of view, where he's at emotionally--a righteous man(and happen to be one)tries to move through this life without injuring those that he loves but all men(and women)have their limits--he may be there and has been unable to communicate this to his wife--he has fifteen years and three children under his belt (actually longer than that if they've been together since he was 22)and he's not threatening to leave her if they don't move, walked out on her, etc.

he's hurting inside but it doesn't automatically follow that he wants to hurt her, abandon her, control her, etc.--he needs to explain(evidently he hasn't)clearly to her WHY he's feeling this way(if he can)and she needs to LISTEN and try and UNDERSTAND--moving may not be the remedy for the situation at all--it may in fact be something entirely different--they need to help each other through this--righteous women(and am married to one)can look into their husband's hearts and see the truth and, by some miracle unknown as yet to me, fix the seemingly unfixable

have been there and know it for a fact

burns07 wrote:

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I see this thread as an example of what is wrong with society today.
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lord, another non sequitur--can you not understand that this has nothing to do with HER?--this is about HIM and how he's feeling NOW, not fifteen years ago--he hasn't given her any ultimatums, put his foot down, my way or else sort of nonsense--you want to infer all these nefarious intentions(controlling, abusive, etc) and not even consider his point of view, where he's at emotionally--a righteous man(and happen to be one)tries to move through this life without injuring those that he loves but all men(and women)have their limits--he may be there and has been unable to communicate this to his wife--he has fifteen years and three children under his belt (actually longer than that if they've been together since he was 22)and he's not threatening to leave her if they don't move, walked out on her, etc.

he's hurting inside but it doesn't automatically follow that he wants to hurt her, abandon her, control her, etc.--he needs to explain(evidently he hasn't)clearly to her WHY he's feeling this way(if he can)and she needs to LISTEN and try and UNDERSTAND--moving may not be the remedy for the situation at all--it may in fact be something entirely different--they need to help each other through this--righteous women(and am married to one)can look into their husband's hearts and see the truth and, by some miracle unknown as yet to me, fix the seemingly unfixable

have been there and know it for a fact

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 Great post, burns! Thanks

When you get dear abby letters, you have to go with the information provided. Obviously, if she's writing a letter, this is an ISSUE.

I can't believe it would be one - you don't keep harping on something your spouse is so dead set against, and that you've known they are dead set against since before you got married. And if he only talked about it once or twice, I doubt we'd be seeing a letter. I can't imagine my husband ever doing this to me.

And yes, I expect people to keep their word, whether it's 10 years, 15 years, or 50 years when it affects another person's life.

She says she has many reasons for not wanting to move. Yes, it would be nice to know what they are, but you don't get to assume they are frivolous.

You keep saying she needs to talk about moving. How many times? Does this have to be a weekly thing? And who says she hasn't? I mean, if she not going to change her mind, when does she get to be tired of talking about it and having her husband mope about it?

It's unrealistic to expect someone to never change or want different things.
I feel sorry for her husband

So only the wife gets to be happy? Oh ok lol

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mary Zombie wrote:

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It's unrealistic to expect someone to never change or want different things.
I feel sorry for her husband

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 When you are married, you don't get to just "want different things" that affects the lives of others without them agreeing to it.  There are 5 people in that family, and he's only thinking of himself.

 

I feel sorry for his family.

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You also agree to put each other above all others.  His family is right in front of him.  He needs to embrace that.  No you are not going to live with your parents all of your life.  Also, she needs to put him first and find some compromises that make him happy as well.  Is it possible to move his parents to their hometown?  That might be an option.

Move them there.

Well, that's the thing, isn't it? It just says he wants to move to his hometown, it doesn't say why. It also doesn't say why she is so against it. But the same could be said for why she doesn't want to move - her parents are where they live now. Maybe they need help. Maybe her kids are in special programs at their school, maybe the schools in his hometown suck, or the crime rate is ridiculous.

We could speculate all day long, but in the end it doesn't matter. But when it comes to compromises in marriage - you don't do things the other spouse is absolutely dead set against, especially when you knew it going in. That's not compromise, and it is not right to expect it to change just because time passes.

He's obviously in the midst of a midlife crisis. Maybe he needs to buy a motorcycle or Corvette or something.

Mary Zombie wrote:

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We only get the wife's side here. He may have a valid reason.
It's unfair to assume he's just having an is
Life crisis. Maybe he hates the town they live in, did it for her but he just can't take it any more
It could be anything.
It needs to be open for discussion.

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 As I said before, it's probably been discussed already, likely to death, otherwise why write to Abby?  

 

But if he hates where they live, and she hates his hometown, perhaps the answer is not to live in either.  But as someone who moved away from all their family, it sucks when it comes to never having family around to help with the kids.  That could be part of it, too.  Maybe his family wouldn't help, and hers does.  

OK - so let's say she's a shrieking harpy with a horrid family, and she spends all her free time leaving him home and going to the bars with her friends. Or hanging out with women that make her put them in ruinous debt as she tries to keep up with the Jones'. Then, I could see why he'd want to break his promise and move.

But, if this is just your average family with normal in-laws, friends and lifestyle, then I really can't feel for him. He got himself into it, and now it's established. Grow up and deal with it, dude.

burns07 wrote:

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Grow up and deal with it, dude.
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a familiar reply from your mother but not from your wife--you really don't understand the issue at all

if she follows that track her marriage will most likely be over

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 If her husband doesn't understand that running home to mommy won't fix whatever is wrong with his life, and doesn't care about his family's happiness in doing so - it's already over. 

Earlier in this thread I said I would never want to live by DH's parents and I wouldn't want to, but if it came to it I would have to because I love him enough to put up with them.

I think she is being unreasonable and of course people change after many years. I'm sure he didn't write it into his marriage vows.

As for moving kids around, people do it everyday and they seem to manage just fine in the long run.

I think she has issues in not wanting to move far from her parents. What a sad life it will be when her parents pass. On of my Bro's first wife was like this. Totally in love with bro, but after a year couldn't handle being 3 hours away from her parents and so divorced her love and moved back "home". Stupid, Obviously has mental issues as does the LW regardless of agreements made prior to marriage.

a rational person would at least be willing to listen to his reasons for how he's feeling and, especially if they loved one another, would be willing to move heaven and earth to discover a way where they can ALL be happy
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So burns, I know you love your wife. Would you ever ask her to do something life changing you know she would hate and would make her unhappy? I don't think you would.
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in answer to your question, don't know why i ever would--look at this rather as SHE asking ME to change something long-settled between us--at the very least would listen carefully and try hard to understand--respect her judgment and her intelligence and know that if she did ask me to change something like that, she'd have at least one or two very good reasons for doing so--ultimately though, her happiness and her life are more important to me than my own

change is uncomfortable for many people but it is an intrinsic element of growth, of new experience

backpacker365 wrote:

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LL where I am at is the stance that I am so unhappy living out in the country. So I sympathize with the husband. Do his needs trump mine? Doesnt it count that I have tried living in the country for 4 years and just hate it? This man has tried living in his wifes hometown for 15 years and just hates it - don't his feelings count?

But for us its complicated. We love our house and if we could pick it up and move it to town we would - but to buy something comparable would be very difficult (our house is unique)

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 It doesn't say he hates it. It says he's homesick.  That's not the same thing.  I get homesick on occasion, it doesn't mean I hate where I am now.

Sounds to me like the LW never cut the umbilical cord and that the parents are more important to her than her husband.

Good point, vette! Moving kids around can be good for them. It certainly can teach them that their world is bigger than just their hometown. If parents have done a good job grounding their children, moving can be an awesome experience.

Y'all are harping on the hubbs having issues when I think this LW has some attachment issues where her parents are concerned. Perhaps the husband is sick of playing second fiddle to them. Perhaps he knows and feels it would be good for her to spend time away and broaden her horizons so to speak.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Moving back is rarely as great as he would imagine it. And, his parents are aging and will be gone at some point. YOu have to build your life and family with your spouse. However, she needs to hear him and understand that maybe he wants to spend more time with them in some way and try to help him through that.

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 Exactly.  They have built a life together and now it's not enough for him.  That's a problem that uprooting his family and a change of scenery isn't going to fix. 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Moving back is rarely as great as he would imagine it. And, his parents are aging and will be gone at some point. YOu have to build your life and family with your spouse. However, she needs to hear him and understand that maybe he wants to spend more time with them in some way and try to help him through that.

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 Exactly.  They have built a life together and now it's not enough for him.  That's a problem that uprooting his family and a change of scenery isn't going to fix. 

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 I 100% agree with LL. This guy needs to spend more time making a home for his family where he is and less time whining about what he wishes he had. I wish I lived closer to my parents, but my job, my hisband's job and my family are here so I make the best of it. There is a point when you have to do what's best and not what you want. They are rarely the same.