Dear Amy: I am the mother of a 21-year-old girl and an 18-year-old boy. My problem is with my daughter. She treats me very disrespectfully.
She’ll tell me to “shut up” and calls me “stupid” or “dumb” if something doesn’t suit her or if she’s feeling stressed about school or work (she is a straight-A student working a summer internship with a major accounting firm).
Yesterday morning, she came into my bedroom (on the main floor), angry at me for turning off the air conditioner. Her room is on the second floor, and she said she was too hot to sleep. I explained that it was 60 degrees outside, and we didn’t need the air conditioner.
She said, “You’re so dumb; hot air rises. … What are you — stupid?”
When I try to address the behavior, she’ll mock me. I am at a loss on what to do.
My son doesn’t treat me this way and is very respectful and kind. How can two kids from the same family be so different?
My husband says I should ignore her and not do a thing for her — basically alienate her. This approach doesn’t feel right. What do you think? -- Frustrated Mom
Dear Mom: Your daughter seems to single you out for this disrespect, but you and your husband should present a united front in dealing with it. You two should be at the center of your family, and should be in basic agreement about what you will — and won’t — tolerate, otherwise she doesn’t have much incentive to change.
You three should meet privately to discuss her behavior. Ask her if she talks to her professors, mentors or co-workers this way. Then ask why she talks to you this way. Listen to her answer; if she doesn’t answer or shrugs this off, then let some uncomfortable silence hang in the room.
Tell her that she needs to behave differently. Don’t offer ultimatums (she’ll be forced to wonder about the possible consequences).
If this continues, then I agree with your husband — ignore her and do nothing for her until she figures out how to get back into her parents’ good graces. If her behavior deteriorates, the next step might be to tell her that she needs to find somewhere else to stay. Be calm, firm, in-charge and — when the time comes — forgiving.
-- Edited by Lady Gaga Snerd on Friday 21st of July 2017 08:03:14 AM
I have a feeling that this just didn't start overnight. It should have been nipped in the bud the very first time it happened. Daddy needs to set her straight on how to speak to her mother. If that doesn't work, don't let the door hit her in the rear as she leaves.
-- Edited by Domestic Engineer on Friday 21st of July 2017 09:24:23 AM
That was my thought as well....she probably has gotten away snippy comments all her life. I'm working with #1 on that. He has started getting "fresh" as we used to call it. Shutting that down now, and providing options for saying what he needs to, nicely.
yeah - mom, you reap what you sew. Obviously, you raised this brat allowing that. It should have been nipped in the bud years ago.
Now, this girl is an adult, and it's time for reality to hit- if she can't treat her mother respectfully in her own house, she needs to learn what it means to support herself and get out.
Both of them needed to be slapped a long damn time ago.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I wonder if the mother didn't go to college and the daughter is having a self superior attitude. Both parents need to set her down and tell her to straighten up or she can leave.
My grandmother (sign of the times) would have closed fist punched her. My mother (and I ) would pop her (back hand / 4 finger pop to the lips).
I have a feeling though that mommy allowed this since she was a child. She thought she would grow out of it, or that she could just work harder to be her friend and that it would resolve itself. Instead she has a lippy kid that has zero respect for mom.
Yea ... no. Not acceptable. I agree - this should've been dealt with years ago. Moving forward, both mom and dad need to make it clear that disrespect will not be tolerated, period.
