TOTALLY GEEKED!

Ugh. I don't know. I think there are certain places a child can go to with a date without chaperones. And places where they should be chaperoned. Since they really can't drive until 16, it's easy to say that would be the age to start, however, parents can drop off at movie theaters, parties, etc.

Here's the thing....my mother made such a big deal out of me being around boys (she was molested as a child) that I didn't want to bother bringing anyone around so I just met up with them. Some call it sneaking, but whatever. Sometimes they were just a friend, sometimes a love interest. Either way, it was not a good signal to give a boy, because I didn't always get the treatment a girl deserves.

That being said, I think the less of a big deal made about it the better. Why turn the opposite (or same if that's their desire) into the forbidden fruit? That just makes it more desirable and the kid will do it behind your back. So really, I think "dating" really should be a situation by situation, place by place, decision. Age wouldn't really factor into it myself.

LOL I didn't worry with DS only because he was a boy. But man! I have to think about it now with DD.I think a chaperone thing before 16 is good but I prefer no dates until at least 15 and do not like the idea of a 16YO boy driving her.

It differs with each child.

My main rule was, they earned their freedom by keeping my trust.

I met the date.

They only go where they have permission to go.

They break my trust, they lose their freedom.

Curfew was the same for all.  At 16, boy or girl, they had to be home 30 minutes after whatever they were doing ended, or whatever time I set at that time. 

Like if the movie was over at 10, they had to be home at 10:30.

School functions, 30 minutes after it ended.

 

My kids did have a curfew, school night 10:00 earlier when younger and 12:00 on weekends. If they went to the movies with their friends from Church during the summer it would be 45 mins after the movie ended to give them time to get home safely and later on prom night.

I don't think a hard and fast rule works b/c each kid is different. However, my thoughts are that 15 for group dates or drop offs and pick ups at the movies, and 16 for real dates.

I asked DD13 what she thought. She said 16.

He is coming over to the house. They are only allowed on the first floor. So, they are either in the living room, dining room or on the sunporch. Not much privacy.

Is she 15 or 16?

With my sons, it was so much different! Yes, i am a sexist blah blah. But, its a whole different ball game with girls!

Is he taking her out? Does he want to? Is he 17 and your daughter 15?

Too many kids "hang out" rather than date. That's kind of what I mean by not treating me the way a girl deserves. Hanging out, to me, occurs after a boy has been "courting" me for awhile. If all he has to do is show up at her house and flop, where's the incentive to take her to dinner, movie, stroll through a museum, etc. I know that sounds old fashioned, particularly these days, but I prefer if a boy makes effort. Kind of like your teddy bear and flowers comment. That's effort. Has he made any yet? Is there a way you can convey this to your DD without pushing her towards him?

I have been discussing "making efforts" with the boys since they were 4. LOL I want them to understand that if they like a girl, they need to make gestures. Not necessarily "grand", but just put forth effort.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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She will be 16 in Dec. Why is it different? Because i didn't know my sons even had girlfriends until one day i came home to see them snuggling on the couch with a girl i had never met! Lol

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 Well, that hardly seems fair.

 

I'm more in favor of "real" dating, as FNW talks about.  Just "hanging out" seems to create a lot of empty time to fill.  And fill with what? Hmmmm.  I'd rather they were out mini-golfing or watching a movie.  

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Life isnt fair. They were also both over 16.

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 You think. 

FNW wrote:

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Playing chess is fun, too. But I would like to see him make more of an effort. I do not think she is too young, but perhaps a double date with a friend?

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He took her to lunch at Starbucks on a Sat.  For a first date, i thought he should have showed up with a flower.  So, he has already lost points with me.

Not sure why sweet water was bleeped out.

I tried to be very careful about not giving my boys more freedom simply because they were boys. That makes zero sense to me.

And I'm sorry, but this isn't 1950 and Johnny is not going to show up with perfect clothes and gifts for his date.

When talking with your boys about dating, did you instruct them on bringing flowers to their dates? Did you teach them how to be the man you obviously want your daughter to have?

And don't take this the wrong way, but what has your daughter learned about how men should treat women from watching her dad? 

Perhaps, her dad could be the one to give the "expectations" talk.

I've taught my kids to be thoughtful and to act with intent. 

 

Another thing is 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I have often asked my kids if the person they are dating fits with the verse.

  Johnny is patient, Johnny is kind. Johnny does not envy, Johnny does not boast, Johnny is not proud. Johnny does not dishonor others, Johnny is not self-seeking, Johnny is not easily angered, Johnny keeps no record of wrongs. Johnny does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Johnny always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

well, has been a while since was a teenager--agree with girls that their age makes a difference, moreso than with boys--agree with making an effort--y'all would shake your heads at some of the shenanigans yours truly pulled in his youth to win a damsel's heart

lilyofcourse wrote:

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I tried to be very careful about not giving my boys more freedom simply because they were boys. That makes zero sense to me.

And I'm sorry, but this isn't 1950 and Johnny is not going to show up with perfect clothes and gifts for his date.

When talking with your boys about dating, did you instruct them on bringing flowers to their dates? Did you teach them how to be the man you obviously want your daughter to have?

And don't take this the wrong way, but what has your daughter learned about how men should treat women from watching her dad? 

Perhaps, her dad could be the one to give the "expectations" talk.

I've taught my kids to be thoughtful and to act with intent. 

 

Another thing is 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I have often asked my kids if the person they are dating fits with the verse.

  Johnny is patient, Johnny is kind. Johnny does not envy, Johnny does not boast, Johnny is not proud. Johnny does not dishonor others, Johnny is not self-seeking, Johnny is not easily angered, Johnny keeps no record of wrongs. Johnny does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Johnny always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

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Her dad brings me flowers.  He always had.  He buys her flowers too.  Her dad opens the door for me.  Her dad even pulls out a chair in a restaurant.  Yes, she has seen all of that.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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I tried to be very careful about not giving my boys more freedom simply because they were boys. That makes zero sense to me.

And I'm sorry, but this isn't 1950 and Johnny is not going to show up with perfect clothes and gifts for his date.

When talking with your boys about dating, did you instruct them on bringing flowers to their dates? Did you teach them how to be the man you obviously want your daughter to have?

And don't take this the wrong way, but what has your daughter learned about how men should treat women from watching her dad? 

Perhaps, her dad could be the one to give the "expectations" talk.

I've taught my kids to be thoughtful and to act with intent. 

 

Another thing is 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I have often asked my kids if the person they are dating fits with the verse.

  Johnny is patient, Johnny is kind. Johnny does not envy, Johnny does not boast, Johnny is not proud. Johnny does not dishonor others, Johnny is not self-seeking, Johnny is not easily angered, Johnny keeps no record of wrongs. Johnny does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Johnny always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

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Her dad brings me flowers.  He always had.  He buys her flowers too.  Her dad opens the door for me.  Her dad even pulls out a chair in a restaurant.  Yes, she has seen all of that.

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 That's great.

We learn about relationships by watching our parents.

 

lilyofcourse wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Her dad brings me flowers.  He always had.  He buys her flowers too.  Her dad opens the door for me.  Her dad even pulls out a chair in a restaurant.  Yes, she has seen all of that.

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 That's great.

We learn about relationships by watching our parents.

 

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 My DH is the same with flowers, cards, doors and etc.  That has actually made it more challenging for DD to find a guy.  She doesn't want to settle for anything less.  Finding a man with character in this day and time is more difficult than it would seem.  

I'm there with ya, lily! I never understood that either. My two brothers, while both older than me, had way more freedoms than I could even dream of having. It was so unfair . . . just cuz I'm a girl. But, I made up for it once I left the house. lol

I think if you do a good job instilling personal values, good morals, a strong sense of self worth, and a good dose of street smarts, then girls can be just fine.

You also have to do a good job teaching boys the same thing.

I have heard people say "it's the girl who gets pregnant" and use that as why boys have more freedom.

I think that's the wrong attitude.

I've taught my boys they are equally responsible. 

I've taught each of my kids they are the only ones responsible for them. They can't give the control of their life over to anyone else. 

 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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I understand wanting to treat the girls differently, but it just says you don't trust them as much as the boys. And, I think, it would lead to resentment, and resentment leads to rebellion.

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 Nope.  She knows that I trust her.  I don't trust boys.  

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 With that logic you should have kept your sons locked in their rooms and chained to their desks. The mothers of the girls in town appreciated your nonchalance I am sure.  

Lawyerlady wrote:

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I understand wanting to treat the girls differently, but it just says you don't trust them as much as the boys. And, I think, it would lead to resentment, and resentment leads to rebellion.

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 I can certainly attest to that. That's exactly how it played out with our family. I really did resent my Mom and brothers for their being able to do things she wouldn't allow me to do. What would be the harm in my going on a ski trip that both my brothers were on? I mean really. All I wanted to do was go skiing. 

Mellow Momma wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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I understand wanting to treat the girls differently, but it just says you don't trust them as much as the boys. And, I think, it would lead to resentment, and resentment leads to rebellion.

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 Nope.  She knows that I trust her.  I don't trust boys.  

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 With that logic you should have kept your sons locked in their rooms and chained to their desks. The mothers of the girls in town appreciated your nonchalance I am sure.  

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 I understand what you're saying Lindley. 

And it's what I was talking about.

If you are raising boys, but don't trust boys, why treat your son's differently than any other boy? 

Your boy is the one another girl's parents don't trust.

 

Lol! My son looked scary in High school, long hair, leather bracelets and a metal necklace and beard. Sweetest kid you would ever meet but since he was in a band that was the look he was going for. I wouldn't have blamed the girls parents for freaking out when he came to the door.