Dear Amy: About a year ago, I used one of those genetic testing services. The website shows other users who share genetics with you, and allows everyone to contact each other.
Recently, I got a message from another user (a woman in her 60s in another state), that showed we were a very close genetic match.
She emailed me, saying she was looking for information on her father, whom she had never met. She said her mother had a very brief relationship with a U.S. marine during the Korean War. It turned out he had probably used a fake name. They had no photos, and they were never able to track him down. Her mother later moved to the U.S.
The woman, "Janet," asked if it was possible if my grandfather (who is now dead) was her father. She knew very little except for what her mother (also now dead) had told her, including specific identifying physical characteristics. My grandfather was a Korean War veteran and had the exact characteristics she described (including a distinctive tattoo).
My grandfather would've been married to my grandmother (who is still alive) when "Janet" was been conceived. An uncle of mine was born a year before Janet.
I always saw my grandfather as a good, caring family man. I have not told anyone about this. I do not want to tarnish his memory, upset my grandmother, or change how my family views him, when he's not around to defend himself.
Janet would like to meet my aunts and uncles, but I have told her I am not comfortable giving her their contact information. She has recently started pleading with me, and I truly feel awful for not giving it to her.
What do I do here?
-- Torn
Dear Torn: One (perhaps unforeseen) aspect of using genetic testing is the way the results can open up confounding human dilemmas concerning long-buried family secrets. Recently, I was at a gathering where several people had used a genetic matching site -- and all of them noted shocking, unanticipated results, including being matched with (half) siblings they hadn't known about. And yet all reported that this ultimately was a positive experience.
In your case, "Janet" has already received useful genetic information. She now (quite understandably) wants more. You should at least answer any questions you're able to answer.
If you aren't willing to even ask your aunts and uncles if they would be open to contact with her, then she will have to find another conduit to them.
It would be best if your family was open to the idea that people are complicated, and don't always do the right thing -- but this is the fullness of the human experience, and ultimately this is something to explore and embrace, rather than deny.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Grandma has to be at least 80, right? Could she wait until Grandma died?
Or, just quietly tell the aunts and uncles. I mean, they might want to know they have a sibling. Let it be up to them whether to burden their mother with such information.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Grandma has to be at least 80, right? Could she wait until Grandma died?
Or, just quietly tell the aunts and uncles. I mean, they might want to know they have a sibling. Let it be up to them whether to burden their mother with such information.
I agree but also would be very careful about how much information is given to Janet. Can't put information out there and expect to be able to control who gets to see It
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Well, I don't think she has any obligation to do anything. Being a close match may or may not mean anything at all. The distinctive tattoo would seem to lend more credibility. However, honestly what is the big deal? The deed is long done so now it is what it is. I personally would want to know if I had another sibling. I would just be honest and tell the siblings and let them decide. Tell them about the genetic testing, the conversations with her, and give the sibs her number and they can choose to pursue that or not.
This is one reason I do not understand why someone would volunteer information that otherwise needs a subpoena to obtain.
As for the OP, I don't see any obligation to this unknown person.
I'd tell them no and then block every possible contact.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Genetic testing is not concrete proof of family relations. But I think she got herself into this and needs to tell the sibs and let them decide what they think they should do or want to do. But keep Grandma out of it!
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
It is the internet. How does she even know Janet exists?? Could be the beginning of some kind of scam. Was the genetic testing of Janet verified to be real or not? I would just ignore the whole thing, but then I do not like to get involved in anything without concrete proof....
