Dear Amy: The holiday season is already in full swing, and my husband and I are already arguing over what to do next year.
My mother-in-law has always hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas.
She is in her late 60s and has always said she loves to host — until now. She called my husband and dropped some strong hints that we should take over as the family hosts.
We don’t think any others in his large family would step up. Some come in from out of town or live in small apartments.
I would be willing to take over on the condition that we go to a restaurant. Everyone (quite a large group) would be welcome back at our place afterward for dessert/coffee/tea and conversation.
I grew up with the restaurant tradition and have a lot of nice memories of it. I also have three small children and a demanding job.
My husband does not like the restaurant idea at all. He has offered to “do everything,” but I know from experience that this won’t happen.
He will ask me a ton of questions about how to do every little thing. (He is a novice in the kitchen.)
Even with his help, it is just too much work for me to clean, cook and host such a large crowd. Catering the meal would be too expensive. Neither of us wants to ask guests to pay for food we serve in our home. A potluck won’t work because too many guests come from out of town. Do you think it is reasonable if each family or couple pays for themselves?
What do you think of my restaurant idea? — Anxious in Chicago
Dear Anxious: To me, your restaurant idea sounds less like Thanksgiving and more like … Thursday. But — I’m wondering how you landed with this burden, when your husband has already declared that he will “do everything.” He could practice doing everything by taking the lead for his mother at her house this Christmas. This means that he would do the food shopping, show up early, help set up, help to cook and serve the meal and stay late (along with his siblings) to clean and put away the good china.
If you had Thanksgiving dinner at your home next year, your husband would have a whole year to strategize, plan and learn to cook some of the dishes he wants to serve, and you would learn how to let him “do everything,” even if he does things differently than you would do.
What I’m suggesting is that you let him try this (because he wants to) and that you take on more of the role that men traditionally assume on Thanksgiving Day: Go on an outing with the kids in the morning, lend a hand if asked and sit back on the couch and enjoy a football game or a movie after the feast, while the menfolk do the dishes.
Honestly, I look at it as a labor of love for my family. Her husband would like that. No doubt the kids would like and enjoy having those memories in their own home. Accept that her husband won't help her. Ok. So, what? Do it anyway. Plan it in advance, don't go overboard with the menu and make a decent meal and be cheerful. Yeah, it's a lot of work. So what? You sacrifice for your family.
I've learned to do this, over the years. I can't spend 8 hours on my feet, in one day, anymore. So, I make most of my sides, and pies, ahead of time.
Her husband, could do this, too.
Since they have three little children...she could take the role of, entertaining the kids.
As for the folks coming in, from out of town.
Well, they could pick up some wine. Some soft drinks. An appetizer plate from Kroger, or wherever. A bag of ice. A gallon of ice cream, to go with the pie.
They could make this work, if they wanted to.
( I kind of get the feeling, that this LW, has never done diddly ****. And doesn't want to start now. Hence, her "let's eat at a restaurant" idea. Just my best guess.)
I mean, at some point, the baton is passed. And, I guess i consider it a privilege. Because you do it for a time, then you pass it to your DIL or daughter. So, it's once or twice a year. Rise to the challenge. Your meal does not have to be her meal. Buy premade pies or whatever. But, look at this as an opportunity to put YOUR signature on this family event.
Everyone just left our house after our Christmas party.
Once again, I did the lion's share of the cleaning, cooking, and I still have a sink full of dishes to wash.
I'm so tired and hurt so much I want to cry.
Mom takes all the glory.
I started telling everyone this is the last year I'm doing it.
These large events require more than shopping and one day of cooking.
LW doesn't want to do it, say that, and dont.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I mean, at some point, the baton is passed. And, I guess i consider it a privilege. Because you do it for a time, then you pass it to your DIL or daughter. So, it's once or twice a year. Rise to the challenge. Your meal does not have to be her meal. Buy premade pies or whatever. But, look at this as an opportunity to put YOUR signature on this family event.
I understand what you're saying, LGS.
I couldn't wait, to take over, after Wayne and I got married!
My Mom, and Wayne's Mom...were so happy, that someone was stepping up to the plate!
I just think, this Mom held on, a little to long. And then said, "I'm old...I'm done".
Well, there is a way to work it out. Delegate a bit. And, have a nice dinner, at home.
Everyone just left our house after our Christmas party.
Once again, I did the lion's share of the cleaning, cooking, and I still have a sink full of dishes to wash.
I'm so tired and hurt so much I want to cry.
Mom takes all the glory.
I started telling everyone this is the last year I'm doing it.
These large events require more than shopping and one day of cooking.
LW doesn't want to do it, say that, and dont.
But LW specifically said she grew up going to restaurants on holidays. And MIL is only in her 60's which makes LW and hubby in their 30's. I think she is lazy. She needs to make this a family thing, get everyone involved. She and hubby make the main dish and assign the others the side.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Ok, maybe she grew up going to restaurants. But what does she want for HER children and family. Maybe she enjoyed that. Ok then compromise. Eat Thanksgiving at home and go out for Easter or alternate years or whatever. But, don't be so resistant to at least giving this a go. Let it develop organically. Offer to do it next year. Then maybe someone else could step and they could alternate, whatever.
Everyone just left our house after our Christmas party.
Once again, I did the lion's share of the cleaning, cooking, and I still have a sink full of dishes to wash.
I'm so tired and hurt so much I want to cry.
Mom takes all the glory.
I started telling everyone this is the last year I'm doing it.
These large events require more than shopping and one day of cooking.
LW doesn't want to do it, say that, and dont.
But LW specifically said she grew up going to restaurants on holidays. And MIL is only in her 60's which makes LW and hubby in their 30's. I think she is lazy. She needs to make this a family thing, get everyone involved. She and hubby make the main dish and assign the others the side.
Well, that's pretty much what I said, up thread.
Get a little help. Make some sides, ahead of time.
It can be done, if you're motivated to do it.
(I don't think she is. She's looking for an out. JMHO.)
Everyone just left our house after our Christmas party.
Once again, I did the lion's share of the cleaning, cooking, and I still have a sink full of dishes to wash.
I'm so tired and hurt so much I want to cry.
Mom takes all the glory.
I started telling everyone this is the last year I'm doing it.
These large events require more than shopping and one day of cooking.
LW doesn't want to do it, say that, and dont.
But LW specifically said she grew up going to restaurants on holidays. And MIL is only in her 60's which makes LW and hubby in their 30's. I think she is lazy. She needs to make this a family thing, get everyone involved. She and hubby make the main dish and assign the others the side.
Well, that's pretty much what I said, up thread.
Get a little help. Make some sides, ahead of time.
It can be done, if you're motivated to do it.
(I don't think she is. She's looking for an out. JMHO.)
I find her complaint sad. I would love to host all family holiday get togethers. Have to wonder if there is an underlying reason why she is against it.
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Everyone just left our house after our Christmas party.
Once again, I did the lion's share of the cleaning, cooking, and I still have a sink full of dishes to wash.
I'm so tired and hurt so much I want to cry.
Mom takes all the glory.
I started telling everyone this is the last year I'm doing it.
These large events require more than shopping and one day of cooking.
LW doesn't want to do it, say that, and dont.
But LW specifically said she grew up going to restaurants on holidays. And MIL is only in her 60's which makes LW and hubby in their 30's. I think she is lazy. She needs to make this a family thing, get everyone involved. She and hubby make the main dish and assign the others the side.
Well, that's pretty much what I said, up thread.
Get a little help. Make some sides, ahead of time.
It can be done, if you're motivated to do it.
(I don't think she is. She's looking for an out. JMHO.)
I find her complaint sad. I would love to host all family holiday get togethers. Have to wonder if there is an underlying reason why she is against it.
My guess is, she has never had to host.
Her Mother in law, has always done it.
And, now, she is in panic mode.
I think she, and her husband, could do a nice job. (If they paid any attention to what Mom was dong, for all those years.)
And, you don't have to do everything from scratch, if that's not what you're used to.
Get some pies, from the bakery. Dinner rolls, too.
I don't fault her not wanting to host. It's a lot of work and stress that some people just aren't into. And I bet when it comes down to it her husband won't be doing everything.
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
Maybe she just doesn't have the space for a large gathering.
Maybe, with 3 small kids and a job, she knows she won't be able to get the cleaning done.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
It doesn't have to be perfect. This is an opportunity to serve your family, to teach your kids about that. Little kids can set tables, fill water glasses etc.
It doesn't have to be perfect. This is an opportunity to serve your family, to teach your kids about that. Little kids can set tables, fill water glasses etc.
"Everyone (quite a large group) would be
welcome back at our place afterward for
dessert/coffee/tea and conversation."
Hmmm. If she invited everyone back to
their home for dessert/coffee, etc. she
would have to do the same amount of
cleaning as if they hosted the entire meal.
And if they went out to a restaurant, who
would be responsible for paying the bill?
Individual checks? Oh the poor waitress!
And how could a restaurant be any less
expensive than catering?
Pot luck items that travel well: tossed
salad (no dressing, yet), rolls, wine,
soft drinks, anything that can be cooked
ahead of time in a disposable container.
I get the feeling LW's family never wanted
to host large gatherings, and she was more
than happy to have MIL do it all. You know
what? Take up Hubby's offer to "do it all",
and if it doesn't meet your standards, let
the pieces fall where they may. Plan your
menu, and have DH make one of the sides
every week, until he's done them all. He
may decide on a different menu! One
entrée, two sides, a salad, and dessert.
Done.
DH's family faced this after the matriarch died. Although, even then, everyone was responsible for providing some of the food. It's too much time and money for one person.
Now, they rent a hall, and people still bring food. They divvy up the cost per family and everyone pays a share.
I do not think it reasonable to just assume someone will take on the task of hosting traveling people for the holidays and enduring that expense alone.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Yes. But still itis intimidating if you have never done it. A wise older mil would understand that. Help create new traditions and help her dil to succeed in that.
It is intimidating for a young mother who has never done it. It would be nice if Mil offered to come over and help.
Yes I remember how nervous I was hosting a holiday meal the first time. I think it would help the new hostess a great deal for the mil to offer to help. Even if she offered to watch the kids so she can clean the house.
What is this "if she loved her family" crap? Sorry, but that's what it is.
Just because you don't want the burden of doing it, doesn't mean you don't love your family.
Sounds to me the hubs said yes and didn't really take her feelings into consideration.
What's wrong with going to a restaurant? So what if it's a party with a 100 tickets? It's a restaurant, they've done it before.
We host several large gatherings a year. One is usually over 100 people, the others are between 20 and 30 each time. It takes a lot of planning, preparations, time, effort and money, and that's before the work of the day of the party.
I can tell you, large gatherings are very stressful.
No. I don't blame someone at all if they don't want to do it.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Yes. But still itis intimidating if you have never done it. A wise older mil would understand that. Help create new traditions and help her dil to succeed in that.
Well, I had never done it.
Till I did. Over and over, again. For 37 years, and counting.
Keep making excuses for why she doesn't want to do it.
Her children, will never know, what a nice Thanksgiving , or Christmas dinner, at home, is all about.
And, if her husband doesn't pitch in, and help. Shame on him!
Nothing better than the smell of turkey roasting in the oven. I host a Christmas eve bash every year. I make a pot of chili, meat balls, ****tail sausages wrapped in bacon, shrimp etc..... I still get nervous.
Sorry but I call BS on the "if you love your family" crap. She does not want to, she does not have to. Maybe she sucks at cooking, maybe she help her mother growing up and hated it. Maybe she just want a relaxing holiday herself. Unless her husband wants to do all the before cleaning, prep, cooking and clean up after. And maybe it is a cost factor. Who really knows? But to shame and guilt a person because "family"? That is BS and wrong.
Absolutely nothing's no wrong with going to a restaurant for the holidays. My grandparents did it for years. We still spent quality time together. DH and I still do it with MIL. I love to cook and it is my love language. But sometimes, I let others do it. Why not a restaurant?
And I have had plenty of very nice holiday dinners at restaurants. We usually all went back to the house to hang and spend quality time without the hassle of cooking and cleaning.
Sorry but I call BS on the "if you love your family" crap. She does not want to, she does not have to. Maybe she sucks at cooking, maybe she help her mother growing up and hated it. Maybe she just want a relaxing holiday herself. Unless her husband wants to do all the before cleaning, prep, cooking and clean up after. And maybe it is a cost factor. Who really knows? But to shame and guilt a person because "family"? That is BS and wrong.
Absolutely nothing's no wrong with going to a restaurant for the holidays. My grandparents did it for years. We still spent quality time together. DH and I still do it with MIL. I love to cook and it is my love language. But sometimes, I let others do it. Why not a restaurant?
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
I keep company no back to this. To me, it equates to all the "if you loved me". Like a boy tells a girl in order for sex, or ExW used to guilt Dss into doing whatever she wanted. If you loved me, you would not want to live with your dad or you would do better in school.
"If you loved" is the biggest guilt trip for what ever reason, it is saying prove you love me.
If the husband loved his wife, he would have talked to her first instead of volunteering. He would have listened.
It's time for the whole family to step up if Mom can't do it alone. It's sounds like all of them have been doing nothing, and that would not sit well with me. It's a family gathering, and the whole family should be involved.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Nobody HAS to do anything. She doesn't HAVE to do it. And, I don't see anywhere where her husband said, "if you loved me you would do this". He spoke to what he prefers. But, i can't imagine expecting people to pay who are coming over for dinner.
Nobody HAS to do anything. She doesn't HAVE to do it. And, I don't see anywhere where her husband said, "if you loved me you would do this". He spoke to what he prefers. But, i can't imagine expecting people to pay who are coming over for dinner.
We entertain a lot and I do the lions share mainly because I have a vision and am picky. And I always make too much food. But our guests appreciate the huge doggy bags lol. By xmas I’m spent so we have a simple meal like rib roast, ham and a couple sides. Appetizers are cheese and cracker type stuff. And we chill 😀 It is a lot of work hosting and I’m wiped afterwards but I love it 😀
-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Sunday 17th of December 2017 09:13:10 AM
I do Thanksgiving. But it's just us and my parents. In the past it's also been SIL & MIL who stayed with us. It still takes organization and hard work. It's fun, but exhausting.
I do pool parties, too. I prep the sides in the morning, and marinate the meat, set up a table with plates, utensils, etc. DH throw the meat on the grill and gets all the credit. We laugh.
In the past mom did Christmas Eve and I hosted Christmas. They would come in morning and have a nice breakfast, we'd munch on snacks for lunch, and I'd prepare a dinner feast. This year I want to do something different. After I left Cali and while my parents were still out there, the big family parties with aunts/uncles/cousins stopped. Cousins started their own families and did their own thing. So my parents would go to dinner Christmas Eve and host Christmas Day for my brother and a few cousins who were available. I loved going out to dinner Christmas Eve, and I hate the idea of mom having to cook. So this year we're going out (I'm amazed with how many restaurants in the area are open that night). We'll go to church, then dinner. Then back to our house for cake, although I have a feeling no one will be hungry, it will be more for singing happy birthday to mom. Then Christmas Day my mom will host an early dinner. I guess since I do the summer parties and Thanksgiving, I want a break from it all.
As for the Gal in question I wound send invites to the restaurant and let the chips fall where they may
I don’t think her husband should try and force it on her
If they do host I would let him do it all and not step in.
But I wouldn’t refuse to host
I would’ve expect more help if I didn’t feel like it if DH wanted to host though
Or Honey baked Ham and Boston market Babay!
That said we are having about ten people this year for xmas including my in laws (MIL,FIL, SIL and BIL) and friends We’re doing a simple menu with prime rib roast, ham , cheesy mashed potatoes casserole, green beans and savory bread pudding with brie and spinache....couple easy desserts like berry dumpbcake etc.... The sides I can do the day before and just a charcuterie platter for snacks. For xmas morning just a bagel bar with all the trimmings.
I’m making seafood creole xmas eve and we’re just relaxing. I’m wore out from thanksgiving and the xmas party lol
I’m looking forward to it and I’m letting DH help more lol
-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Monday 18th of December 2017 04:08:37 PM
We are having shrimp ****tail and cheese and crackers and olives for an appetizer.
Dinner will be ham and yeast rolls, Gs famous mashed potatoes, Mac n cheese, and grilled asparagus. Maybe deviled eggs. And not sure about dessert...
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
As for the Gal in question I wound send invites to the restaurant and let the chips fall where they may I don’t think her husband should try and force it on her If they do host I would let him do it all and not step in.
But I wouldn’t refuse to host I would’ve expect more help if I didn’t feel like it if DH wanted to host though Or Honey baked Ham and Boston market Babay!
I don't know. To just let him do it and not help or step in seems pretty petty.
You all come over. We will lounge in our jammies!
I don’t know LGS. I think hosting for the holidays is something both partners should agree on. If he tried to force it on her she shouldn’t feel bad about not helping
There’s nothing wrong with going out. Not everyone enjoys entertaining
I know what you are saying. But, seems like everyone in life is always keeping a scorecard now, I did X and you should do Y, etc. Sometimes one person does more work at one thing that the other on certain things. But, if she hasn't done it yet, how does she know she might not enjoy it?
There is nothing wrong in going out, however her husband does not wish to go out and eat. So, they need to find something that works for all of them. There are lot of options. MIL could offer to come help. She could offer to do it one year, then it become someone else's turn and the can alternate, etc. There are a lot of ways to approach this besides this all or nothing thinking.
