DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced for 15 years. Dad is remarried; my mother lives alone. My brother and I alternate holidays every year, and this year he was supposed to host our mother. Instead, he just informed me he has decided to invite our father and his wife to dinner, leaving our mother no place to go.
I would love to invite her to my in-laws' house, but my husband doesn't want her to come. When I told him he could take the kids to his family's house, he got very upset and told me I should consider him and our children first, before my mother.
So, what should I do? Should I leave my mom home alone on Christmas, or stay with her so she's not alone? -- WORRIED ABOUT MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR WORRIED: Has your brother told your mother he won't be celebrating Christmas with her? If he hasn't, he should let her know now. Because your husband refuses to share Christmas with your mother, I assume their relationship is strained. If that's the case, it may be time for her to start mending fences.
As to whether you should sacrifice Christmas with your husband and children to be with her, I'm not sure you should. Your mother would be wise to learn to be more independent than she appears to be, and a way of doing that would be to start making plans of her own. If there is a church celebration, or an opportunity to volunteer in your community, suggest she investigate it. Also, consider seeing her on Christmas Eve, or for brunch or for lunch if she can't join you for dinner.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
No one wants to be around my mother either. But we do it. Because she is my mother. I cannot even imagine G telling me she wasn't allowed to be somewhere...
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I have to wonder, too, about why husband doesn't want his MIL to join them. We don't care for our step-MIL, but if DH wanted them to come down, I'd hold my nose, grit my teeth, bite my tongue and oblige. Maybe. LOL Thankfully, we're on the same page with that one. And they have her family and SIL and each other so they aren't alone.
Lots of people go to their own families for a while on holidays. I don't see it as shunning her husband and kids. Why can't they spend an hour or two with mom then go to the other grandmother's?
People make things way to complicated.
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What, if anything, in your Mom's life has changed
in the past year? Or what has changed in your
brother's life? And how long has brother been
married? Is his wife unhappy with MIL?
There are way too many questions about this
equation to give any meaningful insight.
And ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY her hubby and
children should come first. Since LW's hubby
does not want to include LW's mom in his family's
celebration, I think the problem lies with the Mom.
And you know what? Life doesn't stop with not
being invited to someone else's celebrations.
Why not find a homeless shelter, and volunteer
to serve Christmas Eve dinner, or breakfast, or
brunch, or dinner. GIVE a little of yourself.
Maybe the mom is totally at fault. If so, someone in the family should at least go point out the behaviors that bother them, and maybe she could learn to be on her best behavior at least for some holiday dinners, etc.
Or, is mom in failing health ,starting in the throes of dementia and they don't want to be bothered? Has her personality changed in recent years indicating a problem? The notions of "honoring your mother and father" have also seen to fallen by the wayside as well.
This reminds me of Call on Dr Laura the other day. The caller was like the Mom. She claimed to have no idea why her family didn’t didnt want her around. Dr Laura has no patience for that and says people are lying when they say they have no idea why
I tend to agree with her. I too will like
Like to read why her DH doesn’t want her around. I also agree your spouse and children com
First though why can’t they see her xmas eve like someone else mentioned? Weird
I think I will be furious if all of a sudden my husband would refuse to include my mother. I would like to know why all of a sudden everyone decided to exclude her.
I think I will be furious if all of a sudden my husband would refuse to include my mother. I would like to know why all of a sudden everyone decided to exclude her.
I think the one I'd be scorched at would be my brother.
Thanks a lot, dude, for bailing on having Mom over, at the last minute!
(I do, like most of you, wonder what's up with Mom, that folks don't seem to want her around anymore.)
I do wonder if she is getting old with maybe dementia and don't want to deal with it due to personality changes, if that is the case then I would be upset. Of course we are all speculating the reasons why the mom was left out. It would hurt me to the core if my family cut me out of the family celebrations.
I think I will be furious if all of a sudden my husband would refuse to include my mother. I would like to know why all of a sudden everyone decided to exclude her.
I think the one I'd be scorched at would be my brother.
Thanks a lot, dude, for bailing on having Mom over, at the last minute!
(I do, like most of you, wonder what's up with Mom, that folks don't seem to want her around anymore.)
Bolded. The jerk.
We will ALL get old. We will ALL get cranky. Get over it, because it will happen to you eventually.
IMHO, the whole family sounds dysfunctional. Who bails on a parent so close to the holidays? Brats, that's who.
They are setting such fine examples for their own kids too.
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Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
I do wonder if she is getting old with maybe dementia and don't want to deal with it due to personality changes, if that is the case then I would be upset. Of course we are all speculating the reasons why the mom was left out. It would hurt me to the core if my family cut me out of the family celebrations.
Sometimes people are not very understanding of frailities either. The Bible says "do not despise your mother when she is old". I think that is important advice.
The LW should be with her husband and children. However, these adults are sending a message to their OWN children. Nobody really wants to be bothered with grandma. Maybe she has issues. But, the kids are also taking note of how they treat their parents.
The LW should be with her husband and children. However, these adults are sending a message to their OWN children. Nobody really wants to be bothered with grandma. Maybe she has issues. But, the kids are also taking note of how they treat their parents.
So 100%.
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DH's mother was not particularly pleasant to be around after his dad died. She was very depressed and miserable over the holidays. However, we still went down to see her. Yes, it would have been nice if she could have set her pain aside and just try to enjoy her grandchildren, but she could not.
I feel like they edit a lot out...and we are left to read between the lines.
What we do know, from the letter is:
Dad has remarried.
Mom has been alone, for the past 15 years, since they divorced.
Maybe, Mom is bitter, about the divorce. (He moved on, and has a wife. She is alone.)
For whatever reason. Again, we can only guess. The letter doesn't give us enough information.
(Did Dad leave Mom, for the second wife? We don't know.)
I can only guess, that the Mom, Dad, and new wife...don't get along.
And that's why, the brother, won't host them both, at the same time.
And, that's a darn shame.
Again, I'm only guessing.
But, if brother has been hosting his Mom, every other year. That probably means, that they go to his wife's family, on the off years.
And, for whatever reason, he wants to have Christmas, with his Dad.
(At the last minute, which was an a$$hole thing to do. But...I'm just thinking out loud...trying to figure this out.)
Play along...and add your own ideas.
This kind of makes sense, to me.
And, if I'm right, it's a shame.
Get along, and spend time with your children, during the holidays. Don't be bitter, after 15 years, and get left out.
(Again, just a guess. What do you Geeks think?)
Exactly. My Ex was a horrible, horrible person. But we can actually be together for birthdays and holidays. Hell, we even went on vacation together one time (it was horrible, but I did it for the kids...although it won't happen again...) People have to get OVER that crap. It makes it so hard for the kids and grandkids.
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