Hi, Carolyn: A good friend of 20 years – we met in high school – got engaged last fall and asked me to be in her wedding. I eagerly accepted. She is getting married next summer.
We met up a few weeks ago and she said they’re not inviting kids to their wedding. I am newly pregnant and I also have a toddler.
No problem at all, toddlers don’t belong at weddings. At the time, I didn’t realize that she also meant newborns. After a very uncomfortable conversation and some thinking on my part, I decided to bow out as a bridesmaid, because she said I would not be able to bring my baby to the “getting ready” portion of the day, or the ceremony or reception. The baby will be around 10 weeks at that time and need to nurse every three hours. My husband and I will be guests, and my mom will watch my toddler and baby.
During the conversation, she kept saying that she hoped there were no hurt feelings. I tried to be gracious, but to be honest, I am very hurt. I feel like she is choosing a vision of a child-free day over our 20-year friendship. I can’t help but feel like this is the end of our friendship.
I’m mourning the loss but also know it doesn’t have to end. Any tips to help me get over this hurdle?
– Brides and Babies Don’t Mix
Well, she could say you’re choosing your vision of a child-ful day over your 20-year friendship.
I’m saying this despite being more sympathetic to your position than to hers; a newborn can fit in to a wedding quite easily and non-disruptively by not ever actually being at the wedding, per se, if you have support in the form of a child-minder like your mom. A sitter can keep the baby out of the party but close enough for you to nurse. Churches typically have side rooms your mother could use during the ceremony, and for the reception, any place that’s comfortable and within a 5- or 10-minute drive would do.
And, spending hours away from a nursing baby is just a non-starter unless you’re able to pump and the baby is comfortable taking food from a bottle, which isn’t information you’ll be able to get and count on until the event is upon you.
But, this is not stuff people commonly know unless they’ve lived it in some way. Much more common is for people to have been at a service or reception where a crying baby has made his or her misery known to all.
So, please consider forgiving your old friend. Treat this as her making the best decision she can, for her, given what she knows.
Or, as her making a decision under the influence of weddingitis. That’s pretty common, too.
And forgive her in advance in the event she has her own newborn someday and has a miracle conversion to your viewpoint as soon as the diaper is on the other butt. If you will.
-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Monday 5th of March 2018 11:13:30 AM
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
The wedding day is about the wedding. Having a newborn there all day makes it about the baby.
I agree that she could have mom bring the baby at convenient times and she can step out to breastfeed, but expecting to have a baby on her hip the whole day when there are pictures to be taken, and everything else a wedding entails is a bit much.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I agree. Babies and kids are cute until they are not.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
My first wedding was a "no children, please" wedding. My marriage to DH was a inclusive wedding. Nothing screams "fresh starts" like children. But each wedding and preference is different, so if bride says "no children" then don't take it personal and find a sitter. Or stay home.
The signature says it all - brides and
babies don't mix.
And perhaps the bride & groom made the
decision to have a child-free ceremony and
reception because they have other friends
who have children that would definitely
create a disturbance.
Perhaps the friend could ask the bride if a work-around could be had. The baby is at the venue but not the ceremony, reception, etc. That way, the friend could still be a bridesmaid and still nurse her baby. I think this would respect the wishes of the bride and also allow for the friend to nurse when needed.
If the bride lets the baby in, other people would probably be miffed that their kids couldn't come.
Exactly this which is why the only kids invited were our own and the cousins. I lined up babysitting for anyone who wanted/needed it. No one took me up on it. The opinion was "heck no! we want to enjoy ourselves"
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Perhaps the friend could ask the bride if a work-around could be had. The baby is at the venue but not the ceremony, reception, etc. That way, the friend could still be a bridesmaid and still nurse her baby. I think this would respect the wishes of the bride and also allow for the friend to nurse when needed.
Many new mothers I work with return to work within a couple of months and they pump. Baby still gets the benefits of breast milk and also get used to a bottle.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Perhaps the friend could ask the bride if a work-around could be had. The baby is at the venue but not the ceremony, reception, etc. That way, the friend could still be a bridesmaid and still nurse her baby. I think this would respect the wishes of the bride and also allow for the friend to nurse when needed.
Many new mothers I work with return to work within a couple of months and they pump. Baby still gets the benefits of breast milk and also get used to a bottle.
Not every baby will take to a bottle is what I'm given to understand based on the mom groups I'm on.
I have no experience with such a situation. DS drank out of any bottle you gave him.
Perhaps the friend could ask the bride if a work-around could be had. The baby is at the venue but not the ceremony, reception, etc. That way, the friend could still be a bridesmaid and still nurse her baby. I think this would respect the wishes of the bride and also allow for the friend to nurse when needed.
Many new mothers I work with return to work within a couple of months and they pump. Baby still gets the benefits of breast milk and also get used to a bottle.
Not every baby will take to a bottle is what I'm given to understand based on the mom groups I'm on.
I have no experience with such a situation. DS drank out of any bottle you gave him.
Any baby hungry enough will eventually take a bottle if that is what is offered.
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Perhaps the friend could ask the bride if a work-around could be had. The baby is at the venue but not the ceremony, reception, etc. That way, the friend could still be a bridesmaid and still nurse her baby. I think this would respect the wishes of the bride and also allow for the friend to nurse when needed.
Many new mothers I work with return to work within a couple of months and they pump. Baby still gets the benefits of breast milk and also get used to a bottle.
Not every baby will take to a bottle is what I'm given to understand based on the mom groups I'm on.
I have no experience with such a situation. DS drank out of any bottle you gave him.
Any baby hungry enough will eventually take a bottle if that is what is offered.
Good to know. Some of the moms on the moms group make it seem as if some babies will never ever take a bottle. I've always wondered about that but never bothered to ask.
Perhaps the friend could ask the bride if a work-around could be had. The baby is at the venue but not the ceremony, reception, etc. That way, the friend could still be a bridesmaid and still nurse her baby. I think this would respect the wishes of the bride and also allow for the friend to nurse when needed.
Many new mothers I work with return to work within a couple of months and they pump. Baby still gets the benefits of breast milk and also get used to a bottle.
Not every baby will take to a bottle is what I'm given to understand based on the mom groups I'm on.
I have no experience with such a situation. DS drank out of any bottle you gave him.
Any baby hungry enough will eventually take a bottle if that is what is offered.
Eventually. DS refused to take a bottle for days. Wound up hospitalized. He had to wean himself. It was NOT as simple as being hungry.
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
I know the big best shiny thing is for babies to breast feed.
But, honestly, when mine would not, and could not, I was relieved.
I hear stories and think, man, I'm so glad I didn't have to do that.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I wanted to breastfeed but my supply never went up even though my milk came in. DS latched perfectly but never got enough to fill his tummy. We supplemented with formula in the hospital and went to 100% formula by the 2 week mark.
I developed an infection in my breasts when Caitlyn was born. Incredibly high fever, my milk soured. I didnt even know that was possible. By week 3, she was on formula.
Jesse never learned to latch on.
Aaron latched immediately after birth, but he had issues with the valve at the top of his stomach and it caused severe reflux. It fed him only an ounce every 2 hours, burping between every other swallow. No way I could breast feed him and take care of my other 2.
That was the longest 6 months of my life.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Perhaps the friend could ask the bride if a work-around could be had. The baby is at the venue but not the ceremony, reception, etc. That way, the friend could still be a bridesmaid and still nurse her baby. I think this would respect the wishes of the bride and also allow for the friend to nurse when needed.
Many new mothers I work with return to work within a couple of months and they pump. Baby still gets the benefits of breast milk and also get used to a bottle.
Not every baby will take to a bottle is what I'm given to understand based on the mom groups I'm on.
I have no experience with such a situation. DS drank out of any bottle you gave him.
Any baby hungry enough will eventually take a bottle if that is what is offered.
Eventually. DS refused to take a bottle for days. Wound up hospitalized. He had to wean himself. It was NOT as simple as being hungry.
Yes. Plus, a new mom worried about her baby starving all day isn't going to be much fun to anyone.
I think she made the right choice. Bow out of the all day festivities and get a sitter for only a few hours for the actual wedding/reception.
Perhaps the friend could ask the bride if a work-around could be had. The baby is at the venue but not the ceremony, reception, etc. That way, the friend could still be a bridesmaid and still nurse her baby. I think this would respect the wishes of the bride and also allow for the friend to nurse when needed.
Many new mothers I work with return to work within a couple of months and they pump. Baby still gets the benefits of breast milk and also get used to a bottle.
Not every baby will take to a bottle is what I'm given to understand based on the mom groups I'm on.
I have no experience with such a situation. DS drank out of any bottle you gave him.
Any baby hungry enough will eventually take a bottle if that is what is offered.
Eventually. DS refused to take a bottle for days. Wound up hospitalized. He had to wean himself. It was NOT as simple as being hungry.
If the OP's baby is like this then she shouldn't go to the wedding. Point is the baby isn't even born and the LW has no idea what life will be like until right before the wedding. She should plan to be a guest but not an attendant.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I think they both need to compromise. She cant' expect a 10 week old to not be there for the entire day. The baby needs to nurse and if someone was along to tend the baby, then they can have their fun and the baby should be given to mom at intervals for nursing. Not sure what the big deal is to have her nurse the baby while they are getting dressed or whatever. But, at the ceremony, then yes, the baby can remain with someone in another room and not at the actual ceremony.
When I was a kid, no one would even think of not inviting the kids to a wedding. That didn't happen until I was an adult. Years ago, a wedding wasn't just about "the wedding". It was about the families sharing in the joy of the union and since kids are a part of that, they were never excluded and a good time was always had by all. But, back then, children were actually disciplined and not as unruly as most are today. The first time and every time as an adult I was invited to a wedding that excluded children also excluded me. Weddings are not about the wedding and should never be.
One of our guests brought her newborn to our reception. (It was family only at the wedding, and the reception was held the following day for friends and family). I gave her the guest room to do her nursing, and she held the baby most of the time. I never heard a peep out of her and if she did cry, she was drowned out by sounds of laughter and talking by the other guests.
That being said, when I was younger and more uptight about these things I did not want children at my wedding. I cringed at other weddings when flower girls or ring bearers threw tantrums in the course of their wedding duties. I rolled my eyes if a youngster yelled "ewwww!" when the bride & groom kissed. I didn't appreciate children out on the dance floor "groovin'" when I was trying to enjoy my meal.
As I have gotten older I enjoy seeing children at weddings. Even my unruly cousins did fine at weddings. And if they were brats, no one noticed because they were too busy enjoying themselves.
Seriously, if a baby crying or toddler tantrum can ruin a wedding then it wasn't much fun to begin with. At least that's how I feel today.
I can't remember where I read the story (maybe one of those advice columns) about a woman who was invited to a child-free wedding, but she said the only people she would let watch her child would be at the wedding. She took the child anyway and when those same people (who she said were the only ones she trusted offered to watch the child) offered to take the child out of the room when he became fussy, give the parents a break so they could socialize/dance etc., she refused to let them. Writers said it was a pass agg move on the mothers part because she was mad at the bride.
