Dear Carolyn: My parents (mom and stepdad) are in their 70s, retired, healthy, and doing well financially. They spend their money on traveling the globe and constantly remodeling their new Florida McMansion. That’s fine. They can spend their money on whatever makes them happy.
They weren’t the most caring parents. They did provide what they thought they should, but anything extra – school activities, extra clothing, hobbies, cars, etc. - my siblings and I were expected to take care of on our own. And we were expected to move out at 18. Again, that’s fine. We are very independent.
My sister had joint-replacement surgery and has high medical bills. I am going through a legal fight with a previous employer, am unemployed for the first time in my life (I’ve had a job since I was 14), and legal bills are eating my 401k. Our parents know the details. We’re not asking for any help.
But I don’t want to get on the phone with my mom and have to hear all the issues of remodeling rooms that looked perfectly fine when I visited a year ago. Plus they don’t even ask how things are going with their children and grandchildren. It’s all talk about superficial things and how awesome they are doing.
There are other old issues stemming from some childhood abuse and all the divorces, but my mom is in complete denial about that.
I don’t want to talk to them anymore. I want to tell them that since they choose to live (what I consider) selfishly, they should not expect me to just smile and nod.
But we are made to feel guilty if we don’t call as often as my mom thinks we should.
Do I just ghost my own parents? Seems no matter what I do, they’ll think I’m awful and wrong.
– Hate the Smile and Nod
Is that the worst that could happen, though? That parents you think are awful and wrong think you’re awful and wrong?
Plus, if you’re not on the phone with them, then it’s an awful-and-wrong falling in a forest. Who’s to say it even happened.
But let’s back up for a second. You’ve presented this as a two-item menu: either endure your mom’s affluenza, or stop calling your parents.
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There’s a middle choice, though: truth. “Mom, [sister] and I are buried in legal and medical bills. I can’t sympathize over expensive renovations.”
She won’t respond well to that, right? So have this handy: “OK then. Let’s talk another time.” [click] This middle is where you set the agenda to your emotional limits, making time to converse with people – but not to be anyone’s audience. Draw this line case-by-case, whenever and wherever you need.
To back up even further: It’s hard for anyone to rewrite the emotional terms of a long relationship. It’s harder still when the old terms are unhealthy and lifelong. You mention “childhood abuse and all the divorces” as a tangent, but how is that not central?
To have kids fend for themselves on the material margins is a valid doctrine; to do so emotionally is an abdication of parental duty.
Some therapists will charge on a sliding scale, so consider looking for a good one near you. Your parents’ legacy might run deeper than you know.
Meh. If she started in with her remodeling and travel bragging, I would end the call. Not hang up, but come up with a reason to end the call. Or no reason at all. "Glad it's all working out for you. Gotta run! Good luck with the reno (or trip planning). Talk soon!"
I will agree it appears to be more here than financial bragging/burdens. The LW's attitude towards her mother might be skewed currently because of his/her legal problems and financial problems. Or it could be that mom was a selfish beotch who never provided any emotional stability growing up. Given the comment about all the divorces, etc., I'm guessing it was the latter.
The OP sounds a bit entitled. "Oh, that's fine'. When she really means it's not fine and she wants a handout. She said her parents know the details. Maybe some of the details are their own fault such as the legal issue. Why should they pay for that?
I have found that when someone's life is going to hell in a hand basket, they become resentful against those whose lives are going well. It's human nature I suppose. Not everyone is happy for others. Sure, mom should be able to brag.
Personally, I love to hear other people's successes and happiness. Even during times when my life was anything but.....I like to live vicariously that way! LOL But I think I would tread lightly around those experiencing difficulties. Probably because I have seen my own mother offend others in this manner.
Yes of course. I understand what you are saying. But on the other hand, one does want to talk about one's own life as well. I mean of course there is a balance there. One shouldn't be "look how great and awesome my life is" all the time and on the other hand, someone going through harder times cannot expect others to never mention any of the joys in their lives either. Both people need to give a bit on each side.
