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Lawyerlady


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Is it ok for my husband to stay home and take care of me?
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Dear E. Jean: I am not a traditional woman. I like being the breadwinner and go-getter in our marriage. I make a very generous salary and take pleasure in my career, and I realize that my dilemma is a privileged one, E. Jean, but I struggle with feeling that I always “wear the pants.” A man taking care of me turns me on.

My husband is kind, generous, loyal, tender-hearted, and quite handsome. But he is also timid and not one to speak up or act quickly.

He’s good at what he does, but unlike me, he’s not career driven. He comes home from work feeling demoralized and burned-out, and he lives for the weekends. His financial contribution is such that it doesn’t really affect the quality of our lives.

We’ve now moved to our first home and started household projects, and my days off are absorbed with chores! I’m not doing the things that bring me pleasure and fulfillment. We don’t want kids and prefer the company of our dogs. I know my husband would love to not work, but I have always felt that would be extravagant and even demasculinizing in a childless household. But as I continue to spend my days off doing mindless tasks, I’m tempted to consider an arrangement where he does not work but maintains the household. We’ve talked about it. He likes the idea, but is it too risky, given my struggle with feeling like the pants wearer? What do you think?

-Mrs. Pants

MRS. PANTS! YOU GENIUS! I love you! I love your idea! I love your husband! I love your dogs! I love your pants! After 25 years of letters from women who squander their talents scrubbing spaghetti sauce off the sofa because-and excuse me, I’m going to italicize the hell out of this-men can’t run the world unless women are there to soothe and feed them, you send a letter asking if you should run the world and allow your man to soothe and feed you (and “maintain the household”).

Yes. Do it. It will be great, fantastic, and challenging, and I have no doubt that both of you will be the happiest of mortals. But I warn you, Pants, old girl: Write down every one of your expectations on paper and together discuss each item, or you’ll be disappointed. He’s probably a cool guy and extremely attached to you, but he’ll want to pursue his own projects much of the time-sculpting, building furniture, discovering new asteroids, whatever-and if he’s not constantly walking the dogs, planting the herbaceous border around the garden, mopping the floor, and using an Hermès scarf to tie you to the shower rod for a night of passionate sex following a five-course dinner, I don’t want you questioning if you’re being taken care of. So get things straight from the get-go.

P.S.: If he’s a musician and is talking about “forming a band,” forget it.



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LawyerLady

 

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I prefer the traditional roles in my marriage but different strokes for different folks. If it works, it works.

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Lawyerlady


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Yes, on the one hand, I do, too. BUT, if I loved my job and made plenty of money, wouldn't it be nice to have everything done all the time?

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Lawyerlady wrote:

Yes, on the one hand, I do, too. BUT, if I loved my job and made plenty of money, wouldn't it be nice to have everything done all the time?

Yeah!  As long as the either party didn't grow to resent it.



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karl271


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Doesn't sound to me like the husband is doing very much to help now if she is overwhelmed with chores on the weekend. I wonder what makes her think he would do any more if he quit his job and stayed home....

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lilyofcourse


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If it makes them happy, and their relationship grows from this arrangement, then so be it.

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Lindley


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karl271 wrote:

Doesn't sound to me like the husband is doing very much to help now if she is overwhelmed with chores on the weekend. I wonder what makes her think he would do any more if he quit his job and stayed home....

  That's what I was thinking.



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chef


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I would've advised to have sitdown with her hubby and thoroughly discuss this insofar as if he's going to be ok with her being the breadwinner. Wouldn't want problems down the line if he feels emasculated because he's a househusband.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Well, it's not gonna be all sunshine and roses either way. If he stays home, he may feel a bit bothered by that. She may feel a bit bothered by that. She might be resentful of having to go to work when he doesn't. He may feel resentful by having more household chores on his plate. If she makes that much money, why isn't she just hiring a housekeeper instead?

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lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

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If he's not pulling his weight, why keep him around?

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karl271


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Lily, because he is "kind, generous, loyal, tender-hearted and quite handsome" Sounds like a nice dog would fill the bill - except for generous, maybe.

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I know it wouldn't fly for me.

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Lawyerlady


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Where does it say he doesn't help around the house now? They are both working now, so only have the weekends to do stuff. My husband and I both work and he does chores at home - he vacuums, does dishes, takes out the garbage, helps the kids with homework, fixes stuff and I still have tons of household stuff to do all the time on the weekend.

The assumption that he is unhelpful is unfounded based upon that letter.

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LawyerLady

 

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Neither DH or I would have a problem with this idea. IMHO, why not? If she has the financial means, go for it.

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TrudyML


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GG is at home. Installing cabinets, cleaning, food shopping, cooks dinner every night. He doesn't need to work. I walked in last night from the hospital. Chili, garlic bread. I do the laundry. I was the floors Saturday morning. He knows that is my time to think, plan out my week.

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Frozen Sucks!

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TrudyML wrote:

GG is at home. Installing cabinets, cleaning, food shopping, cooks dinner every night. He doesn't need to work. I walked in last night from the hospital. Chili, garlic bread. I do the laundry. I was the floors Saturday morning. He knows that is my time to think, plan out my week.

 Can I steal GG?



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TrudyML


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Everyone needs GG. He is off buying treats for the office here. I walk in with treats every other dayhere. He irons everything. Everyone in the condo calls on him. Clogged pipe? GG. Locked out? GG. Sit with the little kid? GG.

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I think that is the difference. He doesn't need to work. And he's handy. Gotta love a man who can fix things!

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TrudyML


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Yeah, He made his $$. Dr. of Engineering. He also manages all his properties. And helps out another landlord a lot.

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Frozen Sucks!

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TrudyML wrote:

Yeah, He made his $$. Dr. of Engineering. He also manages all his properties. And helps out another landlord a lot.

 



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Lindley


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You have a good one trudy

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I think if people could just step back a little, relax and enjoy life. Work together. If life is more pleasant for both with a spouse home and its affordable then do that.

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Southern_Belle


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Some of our female surgeons have stay at home husbands. They really make life easier, especially with kids.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I think that having 2 people both working full time just makes family life hard. I mean, that is just my opinion. Having someone working part time even is helpful. There are a lot of day to day things that need done. It's just tiring. And, when you are both working, then I think there is tendency to eat out more and other things which increase your expenses so you are not necessarily farther ahead.


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Vette


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I think that having 2 people both working full time just makes family life hard. I mean, that is just my opinion. Having someone working part time even is helpful. There are a lot of day to day things that need done. It's just tiring. And, when you are both working, then I think there is tendency to eat out more and other things which increase your expenses so you are not necessarily farther ahead.

 I concur with this. DH and I both work 50-60 hours a week and it shows. Sometimes resentment builds over who feels like they are doing more of the chores at home. And we DO eat out or get take out a lot. Not good for our wallets, or our pant sizes. I would love to be able to work only part time.



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